family problem - any advice?

[ginnyjeans]

My brother has been married for 25 years this year. He used to be a great, fun person, devoted to my mom. They hadn't been married quite a year and we moved out to SA where my sister was living. We are all back in the Uk now since 1993, and since that time life has been a rollercoaster with my brother. Basically they have no friends outside of the marriage, no children and she is nice to your face and horrible behind your back. (I am the much younger sister - he is nearly 14 years older than me). My older sister (older than by brother) thinks his wife has been jealous of me, although I can't think why because I don't have a relationship with him.

It's a long story but he seems to be very jealous of anyone's perceived 'success'. If you even tell him about a nice holiday you are going on he asks you why you want to go there as 'it's rubbish'. He is sarcastic, nasty and what upsets me more, is that he has been really awful with our parents, who are now elderly and really don't need to be treated that way.

He constantly lies and there are periods of literally a few years where we won't speak at all. He hardly knows my DD - or even my sisters kids who are now adults themselves. I know it's not just me as he falls out with my sister the same way, friends he has had and hasn't seen my mom and dad for 2 years.

Recently, he told us he had a brain tumour (explains things - you would think ). Well, because of all the previous lying, none of us believed him!! How awful is that! Well, it seems he does have a tumour, or a cyst, which is extremely slow growing, does not cause death and he had optional treatment to remove it. Wouldn't tell my mom what hospital he was being treated in (btw, his wife never once contacted any member of our family). But he is telling people it is serious and that he is really ill and people we know are approaching my mom to that effect and upsetting her (she has just turned 78 my dad is nearly 80).

My mom is so stressed over the situation and I think he just bloody needs telling. I don't have a relationship with him anyway - should I just tell him? Or do we just continue with this oddball who causes everyone stress and pretend like nothing is going on? I would love for us to be close but we are not. And we just let him get away with all of his lies because it's so shocking.

Anyone have any similar experience or any advice?

Could that cyst or tumour - which is it? - have affected his behaviour?

Can you pin down his change in behaviour since 1993 exactly? Did anything else happen around that time?

Was he married before 1993? Was his wife nice to his family?

I'm just wondering because to me his behaviour doesn't indicate someone who would respond well to some "bloody telling".

Are you certain there is nothing else that could contribute to his behaviour? Is he depressed, for example? Is his marriage strong and supportive?

If I were you I would reassure your mum that it isnt life threatening, he ISNT at deaths door, and people who are approaching her are meaning well but havent been told the full story, so she neednt get stressed or worried.

If he hasnt seen your parents for a couple of years, I am sure they are under no illusion that he is a self centred selfish git, but as he is their son, they probably find it very hard to accept. Most parents do.

The best thing is to concentrate on your parents, make sure they are fully aware that he is exagerating his illness to some people, and that you have checked and know he definately isnt as ill as they might be being led to believe.

I would just let your brother and his wife get on with their own odd little lives. I think you have to accept that you arent close, and from the sounds of it, that is no great loss, because he really doesnt sound like the sort of person you would choose as a friend.

Winkywinkola - he came out for a holiday to SA with his wife and she was a nightmare and he told my mom he was at his wits end and she was 'ungrateful'. Once we returned to the UK he was awful. I was only 17 and was supposed to stay with them while my parents sold their house in SA and after two weeks had to leave, it was awful. He seemed to have a lot of anger towards my mom and they both would really have a go about my parents. I don't see what they go on about as my parents have done everything for their kids, even for him.

He did have a car accident when he was 21 (he was driving) in SA (we lived out there twice...) and his best friend was killed. It wasn't his fault it was the fault of a drunk driver.

The reason I feel like 'bloody telling him' is that he behaves like a spoilt brat, with everything having to be about him instead of a man of nearly 50.

We have looked up details about the cyst he has and it's benign, extremely slow growing, people can live their whole lives with them. I just feel bad for my mom as she gets really upset.

My Dad is not his natural father but adopted him and my sister as their own dad left when my mom was pregnant with my brother. Their natural father never saw them. My mom did everything for them.

His wife is very odd and from a strange family. She talks badly about us behind our back but to our faces is as nice as pie. Sigh. It all sounds crazy when I type it!

But yes, squeakytoy, I guess just reassure my folks and let sleeping dogs lie. Prob wouldn't make any difference anyway. Families hey!