I'm just so bloody lonely.....

[nikki1978]

I feel like I have fallen into a pit of sadness recently and I can't get out. I am ok at weekends generally but during the week I feel so low. The anxiety I was feeling for the last couple of months has disappeared and now I am just sad. I have suffered from this and the anxiety in the past but it was about 3 years ago and I was living far away from all my friends. Since then I have moved back to my hometown and for the last 2.5 years was feeling very good but now things are slipping back.

I have two kids (6 and 4) and I work 2 days a week. The three days I don't work are spent ferrying them back and forth from school and nursery and cleaning/tidying the house. When I work I am generally in an office by myself for 8 hours a day - it is a very small company (just me and my boss and he is out a lot). I have some good friends but they either work or live a good 30-60 mins drive away and since we all have kids the school hours etc get in the way of us meeting up so we only do so once every couple of months for dinner or drinks.

I am not really friends with any of the school mums. I am a bit shy with new people and never know what to say and I know that can come across and arrogance sometimes. Noone really talks to me although I have been trying recently to strike up more conversations. I think now we are halfway into the second year and they all have their little groups and best mates I have missed the boat really. They will chat to me but I don't really see it becoming much more than small talk with anyone. I do have a son in the nursery so I will make more effort when he starts in Sept.

DH works long hours (gets up at 5.30 and is back at about 7pm). He is trying very hard to get somewhere in his career to get more money so we can buy a house and I do support that. It does mean that he is out of the house for a long time and even when he is here he often has lots of phonecalls and emails to do. He is leaving on a business trip this weekend - going to California for 9 days with 3 work mates. They will be working every day so I shouldn't be envious really but he just sent me a link to the hotel they are staying at and it looks amazing. I hate being in the house alone with the kids too so have that to contend with for over a week.

I feel a lot of pressure to keep the house clean as we rent it off my parents while we pay off our debt (which should be paid off at the end of this year) and the rent is ridiculously low. It is a big house though (4 bedrooms, 2 reception rooms, office, conservatory, utility and two bathrooms) so it seems almost impossible to keep it as perfect as my parents expect (they always kept it immaculate). They hardly ever say anything but I know what they expect to be honest and they are here every week to see the children.

I have also put on 3 stone after losing 4 stone 3 years ago and feel rubbish about myself but lack much motivation to deal with it as I am a terrible emotional eater.

I am usually quite a positive person and can pull myself out of lows like this by making plans. But at the moment I feel like nothing can make me feel better. I am honestly not depressed, just very blue :(

I feel like I have noone to talk to except my therapist who I see once a week. DH always feels so responsible for my happiness and gets frustrated if he can't solve things immediately. I hate to talk to him about feeling like this to be honest. And with my friends I rarely see them so want to enjoy myself for a bit when I see them - not rabbit on about how sad I feel. Plus I think I sound pathetic tbh.

Not sure what I am asking here. Feel a bit better letting it all out though.

Thanks for reading - if you made it this far ;)

nikki, the overriding sense I get from reading your post is of isolation. You sound so lonely. Having young kids is such hard work, and can be very lonely, lacking in stimulating adult company.

You talk of falling into a pit of sadness. I would urge you to go back to the gp. Have you thought of keeping a diary of your emotions for a few weeks, just to see if there is an identifiable pattern?

sod the housework. if your parents are due a visit, then have a blitz - otherwise, keep downstairs (& upstarirs bathroom if appropriate) reasonably clean and tidy.

If you hate being in the hosue with the kids, then don't. go out! the weather is getting better - go to the park, feed the duckies, let them run around until they're exhausted. how about inviting some friends over with their children on a friday night - have a mass sleep-over that includes adults. :)

when DCs are at school/nursery - go for a run. you'll lose weight and get an endorphin buzz :) try couch to 5k - really easy programme - even if you can barely walk for 20 minutes straight at the beginning - you'll find your fitness level improving dramatically and quickly and you'll start to feel better about yourself.

Do you live in a town? is there a running club? ask them if they have any mums with primary age children and buddy-up for a run? could you put up an ad in a super-market/library/sports shop for a running buddy?

I'm sorry you feel so low OP. :) and i know exactly what it feels like to feel this lonely. :)

Oh Nikki, poor you. I really agree with Snapespeare about the running - it will get you out of the house, help you lose weight, and give you a buzz. Plus it really is a way to meet people, and going running with someone is really easy, you can chat for a bit or not, so it doesn't matter if you're shy.

The other thing I would try to do is go and see one of your good friends for the day with your 4 year old, or invite them to you. Then you have a whole day of activity, and it doesn't matter if it's an hour's drive each way. Gives you a bit of structure and something to look forward to.

And please realise that a LOT of people are lonely - it isn't something about you, and you're not alone!

There is some good advice here already. There is a thread in chat called "bored and lonely" (much more fun than it sounds!!) as there quite a few of us who are feeling like this, have a look and you might find there's someone near you on there.

I think the hardest thing if you're feeling down though, is to actually get yourself motivated enough to organise things. I used to feel like this when my children were small (now 14 and 8). I'm not good at making friends, but gradually have found one or two people who I can at least have a coffee with while the children play etc. You could try finding some new company via {whispers quietly} Netmums - by befriending someone new to your area you'll be helping them and it will give you something to do, even if it's only the once.

This time of year, it is really easy to feel down and fed up. The days are grey, its still not nice enough to spend too much time in the garden, the sun is still hibernating...

Give it a few weeks and it will brighten up, and you can get out and about, and dont worry about your parents, I am sure they are not going around looking for dust. They know its a family home with kids in it, and wont expect it to stay like a show home!

Do you have a dog? If not, perhaps think about getting one, because dog walking is a fantastic way to meet new people.. even if they just become people you say hello to, or just have a mutual dog related conversation as you pass in the park, it is a break from the monotony. You might even be able to take the dog into work with you!

Where are you based Nikki?

Nikki, the running idea is good - I'd really recommend British Military Fitness, have a look at their website. They are all over the place and it's very sociable - people are all levels of fitness and they have social cups of tea after the runs etc....even without making new friends, its just a laugh and nice to be out with new people.

re. tidying the house - do you think you are being too hard on yourself here? would your parents really want you feeling like this? Why not have a chat with them and explain that you are feeling under pressure and you are going to take a bit of a step back from constant house work.

What about a yoga class? and - maybe this sounds bonkers, but what about putting a notice up nearby asking if other mums want to meet for coffee? Or starting a yoga group in one of your houses? ie. get a group of about 5 together and get an instructor in....that would be something to get you chatting to the other mums.

A friend recently introduced me to vision boards - its a bit hippyish but fun. Get a big piece of paper, stick it on the wall and write all the ideas you have/ things you would like to do one day on it - and cut pictures from magazines to liven it up. ie. pictures of people sailing/ windsurfing/ running - groups of friends. to help yourself feel positive and know that you can change your life if you aren't enjoying it.

Think of courses, things you would like to learn, and make some longer distance plans with your mates. what about getting your good friends together with all the kids and having a camping weekend? or going to a festival?

what do you like doing Nikki? what did you like doing before you had DCs? :)

Thanks everyone. I did do some running and like the idea of finding someone to exercise with - just a bit concerned that most people run faster than me. I am a 12 minute mile kinda girl . I did BMF last year but it is quite expensive so I had to stop.

Sadly we can't have a dog in this house as my parents hate animals and wouldn't allow it. Maybe when we get our own place.

I am not one for sitting back and saying poor me, I like to try and get myself out of a situation so I will take some of your ideas on board. As I say I am generally ok at weekends as DH is about and I try to make plans to see friends a fair bit. I just hate the weekdays so much. I am thinking about asking my boss for a transfer of office as there is another part of our company across the road with lots of fun people and the cost to get me a PC there wouldn't be high.

I would really like to meet some new friends though. All the friends I have now are from my teens/early 20's which is pretty sad! There is a nice group of us though so I can't complain. I just need more company than I have tbh.

I am based in Croydon, Surrey

Um what do I like doing?.....

Well I had my first DC at 25 and before that was out drinking, travelling and having fun with friends. I never really got into anything in particular tbh.

I would like to learn how to cook and dressmaking.

I am not that far from Croydon waves

i'm not that far from croydon either. :) i'm in brom. :)

Hello :-) Where are you squeaky toy? I had some weird notion that I was the only person around here on mums net. No one else looks like mums netters. Not that have any idea of what one looks like

I don't know what your favourite emotional food is, but if it's sugar then omg that messes with your mood big time. Plus as squeaky toy said, at this time of year moods can be low (though picking up with the spring! ). I can relate to the overeating and have a good book - Why Can't I Stop Eating, which kind of knocks me into realising what I'm doing to myself when I get into the demon sugar.

I also really focus on getting any kind of exercise when my mood starts to slip. Walk, don't drive if I can. Cycle to work. Basically anything as long as I'm moving. It makes a huge difference - I'm not particularly aware of a buzz, it just keeps me from scraping along the floor emotionally.

I agree that a lot of what you are facing is isolation. Definitely get transferred over the road! It will make so much difference just having that human contact and chit-chat about nothing even if it doesn't lead on iyswim. I'm an empty nester and struggling with it. I work p/t in a good job but I'm looking for a cafe/bar job to top up not only finances but social contact. Too much time on your own isn't good for anybody imo.

Good luck - it looks like you've got a lot of potential in your situation re making a fresh start with playground friends when your LO starts school later in the year. Plus a supportive, if often absent, husband; plus transfer over the road. Your parents sound a bit of a strain though - can you have a blitz before they're due to come round? Or, better, get a cleaner in!

Nikki, I am quite near Epsom. I can see the Ikea towers from my Sainsburys car park though!

So what if your parents expect the house immaculate (and are you sure that they really do expect that of you?)? So long as it's habitable and hygenic and you're not breaking things, that's good enough. They are not likely to evict you for a sticky floor and dust are they? When you move out it can be blitzed by a professional cleaning company if necessary.

It's really important to have company, if you could be getting out of the house to do something rather than be stuck in it cleaning, that's far more important for you right now.

I live in Croydon. Would be happy to meet up with you. PM if you wish.
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