Showdown with DP this evening- advice needed please

[chosenonesparklyglitterybow]

I've just had some excellent advise from a friend in RL and was hoping for some more perspective. Re partner of 6 months don't live together, but in love and had committed to a future together. I have snooped on his mobile ( I know this is totally out of order and have apologised and admitted this was wrong) as I had a strong feeling that he was lying to me about his ex. I was right.

Nothing sexual or anything like that I honestly believe, but they are still very close and he clearly depends on her a lot. It was always weird and we'd talked about it a lot and I thought I was ok with it. It turns out whilst his car was broken down he was asking her for lifts from work and to pick him up from the garage etc, offering to get her something for doing him a favour ...nothing shocking but he bare faced lied to me about it...'She has never picked me up from work' ...'the only time she picked me up was the time you know about etc' I knew he was lying so gave him a chance to be honest or I was off.

He was visibly hurt and angry and asked me to go. I walked away thinking he's let all that happen when he knows he's lying- twat!! I then text him owning up to the snooping and apologising- Just a reply to say he'd ring me tomorrow (today) and he loves me... nothing all night!! today ive had an apology and an excuse about how he didn't want me worrying about her and he wants it work etc he loves me so much

RL friend thinks he's too wrapped up with his ex and wants to still depend on her and maybe her him etc... if so thats up to him but thats not acceptable to me. I am livid that he would not back down yesterday and continued lying- surely i can never trust him. the trouble is I do love him and wanted to give it a go but I think it looks like I need to walk away with my head held high or is there anyway to work through this?

How long ago did they finish? If there wasn't a huge gap between them finishing and you getting together it could be that he is not really over her. She may not want to be with him but clearly enjoys the attention otherwise she would just tell him to bog off when he asked for lifts etc.

Your friend is right IMO, he needs to choose. In your position I would be making it clear that he is with me and 100% honest and committed or split up. She is his past and needs to stay there. You are worth more than this, relationships can be difficult enough without exes hanging around muddying the water.

I don't think this relationship is going anywhere. You percieve him as potentially unfaithful and hung up on his XP, he percieves you as snoopy and controlling. You've only been with him for 6 months, you don't live together and you don't have DC, best to move on.

I think a lot will depend on how long they were together, how and why they split? and how longa go that wsa.

they split well over a year before I met him but she was the dumper and he the dumpee. He was very down about it after. I don't think he realises that he's still hung up her tbh and god knows what she thinks, maybe she feels guilty about leaving him- but none of thats my concern I have my own ex in the background and my DC and career keeping me busy/stressed enough... probably best to let him go and not get hung up on the 'what ifs'

You don't need a showdown, you just need to move on. Six months can feel like a long time when you're in love, but if it did for him too, he would be further on from his ex than he is.

I wasted three years, THREE YEARS of my life on a guy like this. I sensed all wasn't over and should have listened to my inner voice. He wasn't cheating, not physically, but he was still relying on her for some sort of friendship that excluded me. I wasn't even in love with the guy, just really perplexed by it all. Final straw was went I camped out in bushes to catch him out!

I just needed absolute proof of his lies, got it finally, then moved on. For gods sake don't do what I did. That's three years I'll never get back.

A liar, especially at the honeymoon stage, not a good bet. Atall.