Trying to love

[BrowneSugar]

I don't even know where to start really.

I've been with my husband for 10yr, married for eight and 3 kids under ten.

My issue mainly is I don't know how to love him anymore (my fault). I'm not very good at expressing myself and not confrontational at all. All the time he's done or said something that hurts me, I bottle it. I leave the room/house and go cry in private. He basically accused me of getting us into debt and basically said I should not spend money without consulting him first because I'm not bringing in any money (at uni doing full time degree). I can't get past the way he basically lectured and laid down the law and spoke to me like I was his child. I did bring it up with him (a week later) when I'd calmed down and he minimised the whole issue and basically made me look like a drama queen. I tried to explain to him that I didn't like the WAY he spoke to me but he made it all about money, again.

Another ME issue, I was 19 when I got with him and he was 28. Now I'm 29 and started uni and I have changed as a person especially with the course I'm taking which requires a lot of self-analysis and I'm really discovering myself. There are many elements of our relationship I let him control and get away with because of my lack of confrontation but now I realise this and it's eating away at me.

For the past year or so I've found it difficult to get turned on so have always made an effort to flirt with him and be suggestive and try different things. This is not helped by the fact that he drinks almost every night and consequently can't get a decent erection.But since the argument and other things a couple of months ago, I have no desire for him to even come near me. He leaves me to initiate things so there's been no action for a while now.

I don't know how to talk to him without it looking like I'm giving altimatums or threatening him. I just don't know how to love him with all the resentment I feel.

I feel ill when he says 'I love you'. I don't want to leave him but I don't want to stay with him either.

Help me to help myself.

You are going to have to get a lot more confrontational, it will feel very difficult, and will either result in an improved relationship or a split.

I think it can be easy for relationships to get into an unhealthy balance of power because one party does not like confrontation. Bit by bit the other assumes too much control. You have noticed this now: he may not have. You need to rebalance things.

I haven't tried counselling myself, but I suspect it would be useful to have a third party in the room. Can you suggest this to him?

The other thing you can do is write him a letter. Easier to get things out. Try to include some understanding for him: this may feel like a bolt out of the blue if you have never complained before.

If you do get him to fully understand this and he continues to bully you then you have a different situation on your hands, but you will only find out when you have got that understanding.

Good luck.