Does living together have to be one of the elements of a good long term relationship?

[wileycoyote]

Would be interested to hear views / experience /pros and cons....

Are you asking if it is possible to have a relationship without living together? I think you can - as long as it is what you both want. If one is reluctant and the other is keen, it is a recipe for disaster.

I know of two couples in long term relationships (ten years plus) that do not live together. Although they spend the majority of their evenings as a couple, they have solo nights too. In both cases, it has been where both partners have previous relationships/marital breakdown and been on borderline financial ruin, which understandably shapes what you do next and all parties have families. It seems to work for the people I know.

No. Plenty of people have outstanding long-term relationships without living together.

Both partners did not desire living together, for various reasons.

You don't have to live together to have a good relationship.

Me and DH were 'together' but in different cities (and sometimes countries) for about 7 years before we got married. We didn't actually live together until a good 6 months after we were married.

We're still married another 7 years on so it's obviously not done us any harm.

I would say that it wouldn't work so well if either of you are 'high maintenance' ie require a text or phone call every half an hour assuring you of your partner's undying love.

In a word, NO.

Plenty of people have good relationships who live apart.

I also think that living with someone without firm commitment can bring problems of its own and as I do not believe for one second that everybody who cohabits with a partner is firmly committed, that's a lot of people out there with problems.

When living together without there being firm commitment from the very beginning, a lot of people get married because they might as well and not out of any true feelings of deep commitment.

Moving in can be the ruination of a good relationship.

Don't move in on a casual basis. Be seriously committed first (this may or not mean marriage-but marriage is usually best for legal reasons), the acceptance of casual cohabitation as a social norm has been good in some ways but not others.
It's very, very hard living with someone you are not 100% into.

That's the best advice I can offer.

Thanks for your replies. I have come out of a long term relationship where we lived together and one of the major problems was my tidyness/ his untidynes. It was by no means the only factor in the breakdown of the relationship., but it was a major point of friction, and I ended up doing all the housework because I had the lower tolerence for mess, which caused major resentment. Also, I was taliking to a friend last night and we were wondering if familiarity often leads to a lack of appreciation and taking each other for granted etc..

Also, to give a bit more backstory I'm currently seeing someone and I'm not sure whether he would ever want to get involved with my kids on an intimate level, and wondering if that is/ should be a dealbreaker, or could it work?

it would be for me.
I cannot see how anyone could love me entirely and yet not my children.

But no i don't think you have to live together in order to have a full relationship. I work by the rule of if its working for you then why change it just because it isn't "normal"

Living with DP has been the best thing I have ever done, it has made me unbelievably happy, calm, content and excited about every morning I wake up. I wouldn't change it for the world or go back for anything.

BUT

I am very sure that this is partly because we're in love but a lot to do with the fact we're both pretty easy going, we have the exact same tastes in food, tv, life, what to do with our time etc, similar sleeping paterns, we like each others friends, he has no irritating habits and does most of the cleaning/cooking.... so it's easy. I think living together could easily accentuate the bad as well as the good.

I have no desire to ever live with anyone again but I wouldn't say no to a close long-term relationship (I'm happily dating at the moment). I've been married and also co-habited and neither of these things hold any appeal.

I value my independence so much now and love my own space and having a man in it 24/7 would be bad for my mental health. OP, as for your man not wanting to get involved with your DC I think that's an entirely different issue. If you wanted to live with him and you felt this wasn't mutual because he didn't want to be with your children, then that's a problem.

Yes, I can imagine that it could accentuate the good and bad.

I haven't really had to think about him being involved with the children much yet as it is early days (6 months) and I am cautious about involving them anyway in case it doesn't last, and we are fine as a little family unit as we are and I don't want to upset that.

However, I'm not sure he is really cut out for family life. Nor am I to be honest but that's another story and I do my best!!

I'm just wondering what other peoples experiences are of non-standard relationships, because in my marriage I kind of bought the living together, get married have kids thing without really considering it/alternatives.

Well, Katharine Hepburn once said 'Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." ? element of truth?

The kids thing can be a deal breaker though - I guess their age is a factor here though. If it's toddlers and they're with you all the time, I'm not sure how that would work, if it's teenagers and you have a lot of your own space, then maybe you stand a chance.

He doesn't have to be a parent (indeed, they probably already have a dad? I don't know if you are single or co-parenting), but I think he would have to be nice and build some sort of rapport. They are a part of your life. The ironing pile, is not.

Hi Karen, thanks for your thoughtful response. My kids are 4 and 5 and the little one has ASD! They do have a dad who has them in my house once a week overnight because he can't be bothered to find himself somewhere to live or can't get it together, I'm not sure which.

He comes here and I spend the night out and come back the following afternoon. We have been doing that for a year now and we have been separated for two years so I am hoping he will get his own place soon that he can have the kids. As far as co-parenting goes I suspect he really just comes here mainly to do a load of washing and eat my food. He has never shown much interest in them.

Anyway, I get to spend fantastic grown up time with this new guy once or twice a week and it is all lovely, but not sure if the worlds will ever collide/merge. He has met the kids and is obviously nice to them when he sees them, but it tends to be fairly brief and formal as he arrives when they are going to bed and generally leaves in the morning early for work when he stays here during the week.

He has a family of his own and sees his own kids, but they live a distance away.

Well many people in long term relationships spend periods of time apart from 1 scale to another even when living together. I guess it would have its up's & downs the same.

It does really come down to the couple involved & what works for you etc.

Life's a box of chocolates Grin

I take it all back.

DPs away for work together and it's wonderful - I have loudish music he dislikes on and am getting so much more research done. Maybe co-habiting isn't the dream.

*today

i like that quote karenwalker. it reminds me of Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton's clever arrangement: two terraced houses with an adjoining walk way/ door and separate bedrooms (due to his snoring i believe). now THAT is what i would like would but could never ever afford....

Yes OiVaVoi, that sounds excellent..

Ive dated someone with kids and have made it clear i dont want to be involved with them. It might sound harsh , but ive got my own family , i wanted to spend time with him , not his children , my own are enough.

Mmm, that's interesting dignified. As long as everyone is happy with whatever the arrangement is. Does your bloke mind?

Happiest blonde. Hope you are enjoying the loud music!!

He does actually , because he would like more and would perhaps eventually like to move in together ect. I wouldnt rule it out completeley but for now im happy having an adult relationship that doesnt involve kids , and by that i mean neither mine or his.

I feel ive spent years arsing about with kids , i dont want to spend my weekend in the park and witnessing tantrums and everything else that goes with it. Its nice to just have an adult thing thats just sort of mine. Im nice to them when i see them , and vice versa , but i dont want to be involved with them , theyve got a mum , i dont want to babysit them or be in that sort of role , and to some extent that would be expected of me.

I might feel differantly in time , but i honestly cannot imagine myself playing happy familys with someone elses kids , i am honestly glad that mine are older now and ive finally got a bit of freedom , im not willing to give it up .

I agree, although my kids are younger than yours that's EXACTLY how I feel dignified. So I'm not alone. Phew! Things may change in the future but I'm kidded out and he has his own kids already!

I think , at the moment , i have the best of both worlds , i get to spend adult time with him which is a welcome break from kids , and also get to enjoy my own time with my family and freinds ect. I know he is always available if i need help with something and hes very supportive , but hes not in my face .

At the minuite , i dont want to spend sundays in the park with a bunch of kids , id rather be shagging all day .

Excellent! Me too!