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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DV, drugs and now infidelity

22 replies

theoffsiderule · 13/03/2011 21:55

This is likely to be long, so apologies in advance.

My P and I have been together for just over 2 years. We have an 8 month old DS. In November, P had what he terms 'a brainstorm' and hit me while I was holding DS (he had been drinking and couldn't cope with DS crying in the middle of the night). Police were called, he was arrested, DS and I removed ourselves to my parents' for a week and things seemed to be getting better. My parents both agreed that he would not do something like that again, I definitely think that was a one off, so I was prepared (as our relationship was otherwise fine) to forgive and try again.

In December, P had been on a night out and I came downstairs to find him chopping up cocaine at the kitchen table while DS and I were upstairs. I won't pretend that before we were TTC, I didn't indulge occasionally, but I will never ever again take any sort of drug - and P knew I had a hardline stance on anything being brought into the house - I have enforced this since I knew I was pregnant and he has been compliant, even kicking friends out who had tried while I was pregnant (I was not at home when this happened). He reassured me that he would not do it again and I trusted him.

Last night, P went out with friends and stayed at his parents' who are away (as DS and I have not been well, I asked him to stay there if he was going to be wrecked and late). He came back this morning, sheepish and hungover. Admitted he had kissed an old flame as he was so drunk. I have kicked him out. I will not tolerate any sort of infidelity for reasons I won't go into. I can't trust him any more. It's my opinion that he behaves like a teenager, drinks too much every night, doesn't want to grow up and all these incidents are just pointing to the fact that he can't face up to his responsibilities.

So here I am, looking like a mug (this happened in front of all of our friends, none of whom did anything to stop it, so not sure they are really friends of mine), faced with the fact that I probably should have got out of this before we had a baby (not that I would change my beautiful, amazing DS for anything, I am so happy to have him) and trying to extricate myself from a relationship, house we own together and move DS and me back to the place I am from as we live in P's hometown.

Am I doing the right thing? I think it's 3 strikes and he's out - first the hitting, then the drugs and now this. Is it worth trying to work on a relationship with someone who seems determined to push me to the limits of what I can endure?

OP posts:

merrywidow · 13/03/2011 21:59

Violence, drugs, alcohol and women.

Run woman, run....

Mamaz0n · 13/03/2011 21:59

You had every right to leave after any one of these incidents. after all 3 you should absolutly leave.

Yanbu in the slightest to wantto return to your home town.

I am however shocked at your parents instructing you to return to a man that had hit you. but iguess different generations and all that.

mumtoone · 13/03/2011 21:59

I think you've come to your own conclusion on this which seems quite fair from what you've written. If I was you I would get out now.

FunnysInTheGarden · 13/03/2011 22:00

He sounds like a bit of a dick TBH. How old are you both? Is it something he will grow out of? Generally how is your relationship?

CarGirl · 13/03/2011 22:00

You've only been together 2 years, this relationship isn't going anywhere!

molemesseskilledIpom · 13/03/2011 22:01

Bloody hell OP.

For what it is worth I do think you are doing the right thing in getting out of the relationship.

I'll tell you something else as well, hats off to you for giving it everything you have in making the relationship work despite what everyone else can see and have been telling you. That must have been bloody hard.

I hope things are better for you in the future.

Original poster

theoffsiderule · 13/03/2011 22:06

I am 32, he is 30. So you would have thought he might have grown out of this by now.

I am feeling like I am doing the right thing. Thank you all for your comments.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 13/03/2011 22:08

if you stay, you are a mug

is there anything else to say ?

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/03/2011 22:12

My DH has friends who cheat on their wives. Over and over again. I think it's like a dog who's been blooded tbh.

You are doing the right thing, what if he bought drugs to your house and your baby got hold of them.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 22:12

There is no mileage in this relationship at all because this man doesnt have any respect for you.

I admire your courage and think you are doing the right thing! :)

Original poster

theoffsiderule · 13/03/2011 22:17

Squeakytoy, I absolutely agree, he has no respect for me. Things seemed to be great recently, my parents were here and commented on how good things were between us last week. However, I do think that P is an alcoholic, I have thought that for a while and I don't want my son to grow up with a man like that. My real dad (when I refer to parents, I mean mum and stepdad) is an alcoholic and the last thing I want is for my own DS to have to go through what my DB and I did - and still do - with him.

OP posts:

FunnysInTheGarden · 13/03/2011 22:18

yes theoffside he should have grown out of this by now. You need to think seriously about your relationship. It sounds like he has no respect for you at all.

FunnysInTheGarden · 13/03/2011 22:20

snap re the no respect thing and an alcoholic? It just gets better.......

perfumedlife · 13/03/2011 23:12

I think you were ttc way too soon to be honest, albeit with a lovely ds now that of course you don't regret. It's perhaps not long enough to really know the making of the man. And boy does he fall short.

I agree with you, leaving is the best thing for you and your ds, and at least you know you gave it several chances.

With regard to his infidelity, I'm not sure why you feel it was up to your friends to try to stop him cheating. It is his responsibility alone. Granted if he hadn't fessed up, it would be respectful of the friends to alert you. But perhaps they threatened to, hence his admission?

rosabelrain · 14/03/2011 11:35

your story could have been me 5 yrs ago. i stayed with the drug taking, adulterer and now we have three wonderful dc's but a truly horrible and toxic relationship which i am currently extracating my self from. if i were to do it over again i would have left him before dc 2 and 3 came along. i love my children but our destructive relationship has damaged us all so much.

i dont know all the in's and outs of your situation but i would definatly get some advise about your options. i stayed because i was scared of being alone, but i wish to god i'd lift him years ago.

all love and courage to you x

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 14/03/2011 11:46

It's definitely time to leave. When you are happy and settled without this knob in your home you might actually feel inclined to seek out the OW and, er, buy her a large drink. Because by kissing your H and therefore giving you the strength and motivation to bin him, she has done you a massive favour.

welshbyrd · 14/03/2011 17:00

Buying a house together, having a baby, DV, drugs and another woman, is a lot to cram into 2 years. My advice, Run for the hills [or your hometown]

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/03/2011 17:12

Life is not some kind of Relationship Bingo. Any ONE of these things you have described is a DEALBREAKER in it's own right.

You don't have to put up with any of it.

You need to use whatever of these heinous acts against you and your family that you most resonate with, hang onto it for dear life and use it to give you the strength and the courage to go through with kicking his sorry arse from here to Timbuktoo.

Although what the poor people of Timbuktoo have done to deserve a twat like him is beyond me.

Whatever is the biggest wrong, use it to give you strength. anytime you feel yourself weakening, grab one of the equally foul wrongs to give you the strength to carry on.

Seriously, you have to get away from him, life couldn't ever be worse without him than with someone as low as him.

That OW did you a favour. Get your DC away from this man. Good luck and let us know how we can help keep you strong?

Meggles76 · 14/03/2011 19:28

He is a 30 year old man with a partner and child. He is behaving like a 20 year old with no responsibilities.

DV - while you were holding DS - what will be different next time you are holding him and he is crying?

DRUGS - and babies / children never ever mix. There are of course the risks of drugs and paraphernalia in the home, the problem of other drug users coming to your home who can be unpredictable when under the influence and the impact that his drug misuse has on his parenting abilities.

INFIDELITY - you said that, quite rightly, this is something that you will not tolerate.

Pack your bags, get DS and go to your parents. From there you can work out where you go from here.

Original poster

theoffsiderule · 16/03/2011 09:09

Thanks again everyone. In the interests of clarity, I have known him for 6 years and shared a flat for 2 before we "officially" got together 2+ years ago, so it wasn't the rush job it appears to be from my OP...

I have spoken to my solicitor; thankfully we signed a tenants in common contract so I own the lion's share of the house when it is sold. Journey home is booked for the weekend and my lovely mum has been looking for jobs I can apply for.

He has decided to stop drinking in a effort to get me to stay, but this betrayal was the final straw in a catalogue of disasters and I don't really care - it will be lovely for his next partner to have a sober man, I wasn't so fortunate.

His parents have taken him in - it stuns me that they haven't ever communicated with me to express their feelings about what their son has done to me and his son. Though, I suppose the fact that when he hit me, they arrived round my house, screaming at me from the street that getting their son arrested would result in my son being taken into care says it all.

Turns out that 2 of his mates saw him getting cosy with his ex and did actually have a word with him after he had kissed her, warning that they would get their wives to tell me - which is why he owned up. So, I take it back about being stunned that nobody in a room full of people who have known me for years would intervene. They did and I am grateful to them for it.

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/03/2011 13:10

Well done love, pat yourself on the back!

You have made the right decision. He's just made excuses for his piss poor behaviour, and tbh, drinking is only one area of his crappy life that is a non-negotiable.

Ignore his parents, they clearly are not going to be any part of the solution, they are as deluded and mis-informed as he is. Well shot of the lot of them.

HUGS

perfumedlife · 16/03/2011 13:25

Thought as much. Please don't rely on friends keeping you in the loop as much as you do your own intuition though. It's a small lesson for the future, your partners previous behaviour was enough to give you a clue.

You sound very together, and your mum is being great. I wish you all the very best, things will definately be on the up, just by leaving him and his selfish ways. Keep us posted

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