Really worried about my neice

[Pffft]

This may be a long one, I have name changed(not because any of you will necessarily know my normal 'name' but because it's a 'name' I use all over the internet and I don't really want my personal life made public)

Right...My neice,out of the blue, asked if she could come and live with me about 8 months ago. My initial response was'hell no!' My sister, her mum, is 10 years older than me and moved to Ireland when I was about 11, so contact with her and her family has been sporadic. I would say I had met my neice about 7 or 8 times until the point that she asked if she could come and live with me.

Whilst I was considering her request she sent me an email saying that she was moving to England, but would be moving to stay with friends on the south coast (I live in the midlands). I have to admit to feeling relieved.

Fast forward a couple of months and I get a phone call from her, begging me to let her stay. She is intelligant and articulate and claimed that she really wanted to move to me as there was better job prospects. I thought about it, and eventually agreed.

I redecorated my spare bedroom for her, bought her a bed and a wardrobe, new bedding, and did everything i could to make her feel at home (I am a single parent).

As soon as she moved in I suspected she had other motives. It became clear very quickly that the real reason she had wanted to move here was because she had met someone on the internet. I wasn't hugely happy with this, but supported her and took time off work to take her to the job centre, to a local training centre etc. I asked friends if they knew of any jobs for her, checked the local press etc. She has never made ANY attempts to find work.

She is the laziest person I have ever met. I have to nag her weekly to have a bath (I gave up once and after 4 weeks she smelt so bad that I insisted). When she first moved in I showed her where the washing basket was and said that if she put her dirty washing in there I'd do it. I have not washed ANY of her clothes (including underwear) for over 6 weeks now.

Right, to the crux of it. Just after Xmas i confronted her over her lack of hygiene and the fact that she seems to have very little respect for me or my home. It was at this point that she admitted she was pregnant. I have to confess that I did read her the riot act a bit. I was so cross that she had been so stupid (and she was stupid, she was regularly having sex and using no contraceptive). We discussed her options and she said that she could not consider termination and that she would be keeping the baby.

I have told her in no uncertain terms that I can not have a newborn baby in the house but that I would support her in finding somewhere to live and with sorting out furniture for her and the baby. She said that she felt this would help her 'sort herself out'(?)

Fast forward again to now. She still doesnt bathe, she does nothing around the house, she has just come into a bit of money (about £200) and has spent all of it on getting stoned, going clubbing with her mates and paying for a flight home - not to see her family but to go out for a weekender with some friends).

I am so worried about this baby. She has referred to it as 'the fucking brat' she has no maternal instincts towards it. She has not concept of basic personal hygiene or the harm that she is doing to it by taking drugs and drinking.

I suppose what i'm asking is, what can I do? I am brutally honest with her. I have talked to her repeatedly about all of the issues. I have told her that if she continually stinks like she does (she also claims she doesn't use deodorant because of all the chemicals - she doesnt see the irony of that statement and blowing all her dole on weed) then eventually, with her increased contact with health professionals someone will say something. Will they though? Will anyone notice? Don't know what I want people to say really, just wanted to get it all down.

btw I don't understand how she can "desperately want" the baby whilst also referring to it as "the fucking brat". she sounds chaotic to say the least. you have my sympathies. I think you have no duty towards your niece, but you do need to stay involved to ensure that the baby is protected.

Thank you all. You have clarified what i need to do in my mind. She goes home next Thursday for 10 days, I will use that time to pack her belongings. She has an appointment with the homeless on 30th March so I will tell her that she IS leaving on that date, no compromises.

I will also talk to my friend in SS as you're right, she isn't capable of looking after a baby. I suspect that if the lack of personal hygiene is picked up by her MW/Dr, she will explain it away as depression (She uses this line a lot - claims that she is depressed - I know she isn't she's just a lazy fecker) - however lack of personal hygiene can be explained by this and I suspect that they would take her reasoning at face value. She is very capable of 'saying the right thing' if you see what i mean.

Thank you all again

also, don't get confused between what IS and what ISN'T your problem, this is how it all started.

your daughter is your only 'problem' she comes first, everything & everyone else comes nowhere.You have to deal with her happiness and wellbeing immediately.

this grown woman, her living arrangements, her addictions, her pregnancy, her money & social issues are NOT your problem, you need to firmly ignore. Not up to you to raise anything with SS, her sister, or to go running round in any way after her ever again. It stops.

change the locks change the locks change the locks

Second what everyone else says. Get her out now, she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet she is 20, a woman, not some 14 year old girl.

I think someone said futher back that SS/Authorities will not help her out properly when they see you doing everything for her.

You can stil be concerned for her and thebaby, just not when in your house. And if she doesn't want you involved if you throw her out then she is an ungrateful thing who will learn the hard way.

Good luck!

What everyone else has said.
And as your sister, her mother, doesn't seem that worried, then you certainly shouldn't be.
And I also echo what everyone has said about changing the locks, not wanting to be alarmist, but I wouldn't feel secure about who else might have a key...

How about phoning her family ahead of time, and make sure once she's there, she stays there? (And don't tell her before she's there, leave it for them to tell her. Least they could do, you've been doing their job all this time.)

Have a go, anyway. It will save you having the responsibility of blowing the whistle/arguing the case with SS. As someone else said on here, if you keep on caring for her, they'll probably do absolutely nothing to help, they're overstretched.

I think her parents should take more responsibility.

Just because her mother doesn't care about daughter and the baby, doesn't mean no-one should care, Nanny0gg.

I still think SS should be informed. I'd hate to be that baby.

I'm not clear what her mother has to say about all this. Have you been keeping her posted? I would definitely wait until your neice arrives back home then ring them and tell them she is not to return. I think you should discuss your concerns with her mother.

To 'help her' in the best possible way, I would either, Phone or write a letter to the housing/doctors or sw & explain the sittuation & tell them that after all this she needs to be re-located with support, say you give them a week? tell her that you are doing this regardless of her unwillingness to change or compromise (she has 1 week to comply with your help or its finished ie out with her bags). I see that you have been doing everything logical to help her make it on her own = this isn't working. If you are able to within this 1 week deadline help her to go through the motions with the relevant people then you will have done everything possible.
Its up to her now realy you have to make it clear the ball is in her court, if she bucks up her ideas & puts the same effort in to her own life as you have been doing for her then just maybe you will be there to help her along with the new place & baby in the future. Otherwise she is on her own.
Tough love eh.
I take my hat of you, there aren't many people in the world like you & she is so lucky to have you.
My brother is very similair to this & even 40 years later he is still the same, only difference is he makes his own mess & we no longer bail him out. He survives all the same.