How do you split up when you are married, own a house together and have children - seems impossible

[ijudge]

DH and I just can't seem to fix our problems and I think it's reaching the end of our relationship.

We have a 3yo and a 4 months old. I have no where to go. My mum is in sheltered accommodation, my dad passed away and I have no brother or sisters. I have a couple of friends but none I could move in with.

He point blank refuses to leaves, and even if he did he would be asking to come back all the time, getting nasty etc - He would never really go IYSWIM.

Living with him whilst not actually in a relationship would be hell.

Where do you go from here?

bump

Sounds awful. See a solicitor. I think he'll change his mind about going when you have found out the fullest extent of your (and more important, the kids') rights. Don't try to work this out with him alone, you've reached deadlock. If your family will support, then utilise that too. He can leave with his sports bag, you cannot.

Plan. Get a job, look at rental prices, confide in a friend for support.
Financial independence is key.

I have a PT job, am on maternity leave atm.

go to a solicitor and seek proper advice. see in what circumstances you could have him removed

sell the house. then rent

I had to sell the house out from under XH before he would move. I won't pretend it's easy but it can be done.

Citizens Advice have some very good guidance on the 'net. I'd read up on that for starters.

I see a lot of divorces at the moment where people are living in the same house right up until the financial settlement is agreed (often months and months after the actual divorce is through). It is a nightmare.

You need to go and see a solicitor. Choose one who is a member of Resolution - they are specialist family solicitors.

Best of luck.

This gives you a calculator to help you work out what, if any, state help you would be entitled to after a split. A lot depends on your savings, income and other assests. I also second the advice about a solicitor. Members ofwww.resolution.org.uk/this aim to work towards the least acrimonious process and outcome. It is worth considering mediation to cut your costs. If your GP is sympathetic, see if you can get a short-course of counselling to help you think it all out with a neutral third party. I also saw an independent financial advisor on the advice of my solicitor.

If you have queries about the legal side of things Resolution over on the legal boards has been helpful to me.

Perhaps when you have more information you will feel more able to act.

Good luck

Bugger! Stoopid Sunday morning fog-brain. Sorry about that second link

Another vote for seeing a solicitor. The police can make him leave the house if you decide that this is it and you are going to throw him out but he refuses to go or behaves in a verbally abusive, physically abusive or intimidating way.

Jesus christ, what a lot of misinformed opinions.

Look, assuming your DH is not beating the crap out of you then he's just as entitled to stay in the house as you are.

Those who say you have rights to throw him out are either assuming a lot or have no clue.

You need to see a solicitor to protect your interests but the bottom line is that the family home is just as much his as it is yours.....until otherwise decided by the courts.

If it's just arguing etc then its highly unlikely the police will remove him from his own home.

You also should find out what benefits you would be entitled to.

OP has been advised to see:

• a solicitor
• Citizen's Advice
• a GP

In what way does this sort of advice constitute "misinformed opinions"?

Careful you don't bash your agenda on the way out, eh?

I suspect NiceGuy is referring to comments like "he can leave with his sports bag, you cannot". Its a bit harsh to assume that OPs H is behaving badly or does not want to live with his children. Where is that stated by the OP? A lot of fathers might react badly to that suggestion.

ijudge its a very difficult situation that many people here have been through. You would not be the first to have a very young baby and want to give up on a relationship. Have you spoken to your HV about how you feel and what sort of support you are getting?

My advice is to talk to your H again and try to come to an agreement about what should happen. Its a terrible situation for him too and maybe he can't face living without his wife and young children four months after his baby was born. But over time if things do not improve you might both be able to find a way forward. Good luck and take care.

You could try Relate for some joint counselling, OP. They are not there to 'save' marriages which aren't working unless both parties are clear that this is what they want and are prepared, both of them, to do the work necessary to improve things.

What have you tried so far which hasn't fixed the problems? Is the nastiness you refer to a part of the problems you refer to?

In the meantime I agree with the other posters about Citizens advice etc. Don't know your financial situation but you may qualify for legal aid where there is property and young children and a low income, although the law is changing again to make legal aid in divorce more difficult.

You sound quite isolated, OP. But it seems to me that you could be even more isolated in an unhappy and potentially toxic relationship which could ultimately begin to have a negative effect on your kids.

Take it from me. there is nothing, absolutely nothing, worse than staying because you're too afraid of going.

YOu said it yourself - "Living with him whilst not actually in a relationship would be hell". You would be in a relationship with him - and it would be a hellish one for all of you.