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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

coping with the anger of infidelity

36 replies

cakesaway · 12/03/2011 20:34

I posted a thread before xmas on how I was struggling to cope with my husbands infidelity in relation to xmas and all that it entails. Mumsnetters were fantastic in their support and advice and it helped a great deal.Three months on and I still have so much anger I don't know what to do with myself. The problem being that the woman in question turns up to my husbands work events knowing that I will be there and effectively rubbing my nose in it. It is a public space and she cannot be banned.
After the last incident I emailed her to ask her to respect the situation and the relationship. She has blatently ignored this and continues to make her presence felt. I am angry, vengeful and also afraid (she is a bit of a bunny boiler)! What can I do with my anger ??? Should I take further action ?

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 12/03/2011 22:35

Can you link to your other thread to give us some context?

sufficient · 12/03/2011 23:25

How is your H reacting to this?

Aislingorla · 12/03/2011 23:57

What does she do? Try to talk to you or/and your husband?
I am often in the same situation (work socials that we're all invited to) I go, depending on the size of the venue. My husband and I ignore her (as he does in work, luckily she works on a different floor to him, but seems to 'pop' down throughout the day to chat with her new' friend whose desk is beside my H's !)

Original poster

cakesaway · 13/03/2011 06:56

I don't know how to link to the other thread? Just search in my name I guess. My H thinks im overreacting and that we need to move on - very easy words to say but life isn't like that. He can't confront her as he is afraid it will jepordise his job as she may make it public ( I don't want him to lose his job).
She doesn't try to talk to either of us (as far as I know) but makes her presence known. One part of me wants to rise above it and not let her 'win' - the other part literally wants to kill her. Maybe I should get some counselling. the anger just eats me up inside then I take it out on him.
I'm worried about further contact with her as she is very unstable and I fear for the safety of my family - I just hate him for inflicting this on us!

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 13/03/2011 07:19

cakes - go to the other thread, copy the web address and paste it into a message here. If you click the "convert links automatically" box at the bottom of the message space, this will make it clickable to readers.

I would say (having limited information) that he needs to find another job. It is incredibly short sighted of him to say that you should move on. Has he had counselling to deal with his issues?

Aislingorla · 13/03/2011 11:33

But she has not won, you have! Of course she makes her presence known, so does my H's ex ow, by laughing hysterically and talking very intimately for long periods with men (mainly married/attached ones). She is sad.
If it really upsets you to see her, just don't go to the events.
Last weekend I decided not to go to an event I knew she would be at, telling my H to go if he wanted to and he decided to stay in and cook a nice meal for us instead.
I still have my 'angry outbursts' triggered by small things, they are becoming less angry and shorter lived! We are 21 months on from discovery.

Aislingorla · 13/03/2011 11:37

PS; I have never spoken to or have any contact with 'her', believing firmly that to completely ignore someone is the highest insult.

Original poster

cakesaway · 13/03/2011 11:52

Hi Aislingorla - you seem to be coping extremely well and maybe I will too in time. I think you are right about ignoring her and this is what I need to do. I can't not go to events - partly because im expected to and partly as I want to.
I was coping much better - Xmas was hard - wedding anniversary got completely ignored by us both and im dreading my birthday which will be a year since it happened ( the week of my 40th!)He just seems to think im doing this deliberately to hurt him. Not true - I still hurt so much - I pretty much had a breakdown when i found out and never got angry/slapped him etc. Not that im saying this is right but I want to be shown how precious our marriage is to him - I want to be won back - wooed - yes he makes more effort with family life and the kids but not with us. It all feels fake sometimes and i just want to get out.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/03/2011 13:00

Cakes then the OW isn't the problem, your husband is. And always was. It should never have been you asking her to keep her distance, it should have been him. And if he has done nothing to woo you back and make you feel loved, then he shouldn't be there.

garlicbutter · 13/03/2011 15:01

Oh, dear, cakes, I was hoping this wouldn't be the case. If H isn't treating you like a goddess at these events, no wonder you feel discombobulated around XOW.

Sort him out.

waterrat · 13/03/2011 15:10

Oh cakes, the OW is not the problem. As WWIFN says, the problem is your husband. If your husband was fully supporting you at these events, you would not mind that she was there - you would just be strong together. The person who betrayed you is HIM, not her.

I know it's easier to blame an outsider, but I think that if your relationship was strong enough you would not feel threatened by her.

Forget her and concentrate on him, seriously. If he is not doing enough to make you feel loved that is not her fault.

I can see why you do it, but you shouldn't be emailing her. She is not the person who committed to you. You need your husband to be backing you up here - she is probably a silly cow - but nevertheless, you shouldn't need to contact her and ask her to respect your relationship - it is your husband who needs to do that.

He thinks you are doing it to hurt him? Is he mad? He sounds very selfish and self absorbed. Please take a step back and see that the OW is not the problem here.

It sounds like your H has not committed to you and the recovery process - until he does, you are simply misdirecting your anger at her.

Original poster

cakesaway · 13/03/2011 17:14

Hi I think you are all right - My anger is misdirected. I will talk to him tonight - really talk - I think the reason I haven't is that im afraid. Will let you all know how it went in the morning - thankyou. :(

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 13/03/2011 17:56

Yes, good luck cakes. X

Original poster

cakesaway · 15/03/2011 06:15

Well we talked and the situation has eased a little. He assures me that he has mailed the OW and that, although he can't stop her attending public events, he will stand by me.
the severity of the situation was diminished by him being quite ill - I don't think we are finished with this yet.
Thanks for all your support.

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 15/03/2011 07:37

Cakes - you need to see a copy of this e-mail. Really. There is no privacy here. He has betrayed you and you deserve to have everything out in the open.

He needs to accept that it will be a while before you can take his word for anything again.

Has he talked about getting another job? It really sounds like he has made no effort to reassure you, or win you back, or make it up to you.

Original poster

cakesaway · 14/05/2011 18:43

Now i've been told he wants some space - he is moving out for a while - he is having a breakdown. It's all him,him,him. Surely when you've betrayed your wife and you want to make a go of it you make some effort?? No - the past few months have got progressively worse with him alienating me both emotionally and physically. I've continually tried to talk to him but all he says is that he doesn't know whats wrong with him. What do I do ? Stand by him in case he really is ill or get angry as I'm starting to look like a complete fool. And all the while I have three kids to raise (they still have no idea).I have a job, a family to look after and a husband who doesn't know what he wants. any advice would be gratefully received...

OP posts:

lazarusb · 14/05/2011 19:00

I would concentrate on you and your dcs. This sounds hard but I don't think he's in any way committed or interested in working on your relationship. Give him space, encourage him to have some counselling but use this time to work out if you would be happier on your own. Put yourself first, work out what you want.

HerHissyness · 14/05/2011 19:05

Doesn't sound like he broke it off with the OW tbh.. or may have rekindled.

Look after yourself cakesaway.

atswimtwolengths · 14/05/2011 19:28

Oh I wish you'd been the one to tell him you needed some space and for him to move out.

Let him go without complaint. Organise times when he can see the children - try to make it so that they're picked up from your mum's house, if she lives nearby. Otherwise keep communication to a minimum - meet him on the doorstep with the kids all read and waiting.

I'm so sorry; I've been in this position and it's very, very painful, but the pain does fade, believe me.

Smum99 · 15/05/2011 15:46

How are you doing? What support do you have in around you? I think you have been in a really difficult situation and your H isn't being completely honest.

apprenticemum · 15/05/2011 16:09

Hey cakes, you are doing just great but you must get a bit of professional counselling for yourself. I was not a great one for that sort of thing but have to say how brilliant it is for sorting the situation out in the head. I was truly astonished at some of the issues it threw up and I eventually became far more focused. Although they say nothing, the children will pick up on your befuddlement as mine did. Only after the counselling did she tell me how frightened she was at my behavior which made me feel terrible since I thought I was papering over the cracks quite well. There is nothing you can do for DH but plenty you can do for yourself and lets face it, if you are going to be left running the home, you are the most important person to take care of now. Good luck. x

AnyFucker · 15/05/2011 17:43

Let him go, seriously

Don't try and convince him to stay

when you say he is "ill" what do you mean ? Is he having a very convenient bout of depression/can't see the point in life? The cure for that was never to shag another woman, so no real sympathy due him for that one.

look after yourself and dc's now and take no responsibility for his issues or let him tell you that you "drove him away"

I think he was waiting for you to give him an "excuse" to bail, because he was too weak to end it himself

I also feel he is still seeing the OW (or some other silly bint has taken over that particular vacancy)

Original poster

cakesaway · 15/05/2011 17:50

thanks apprenticemum yes I am seeking counselling for me. I am very aware of the kids and am hoping they know nothing but they are giving me lots more hugs so perhaps they do. I am taking him to the doctors in the morning as I'm certain it's clinical depression after much advice from others. Ive sorted him out a b and b which now he says he doesn't need. It's like im on a roundabout that i can't get off and keeps spinning in opposite ways. I can't keep food down and am jittery all the time. Only so much I can cope with. He insists he doesn't feel 'the same' about me yet still reaches for comfort hugs.im torn between feeling furious for being treated this way and worrying for his sanity..

OP posts:

countingto10 · 15/05/2011 18:31

Cakesaway, he needs to take himself to the doctors and arrange his own accommodation. You need to stop "controlling" and to step away from HIS dramas.

If there is one thing I learnt from my DH's affair is that I had to stop trying to control him (and everything else and take care of myself.

FWIW I think your H is still having a lot of contact with/seeing OW (why else would she continue to "torment" you ).

Your H maybe having some sort of breakdown/midlife crisis but he has to sort himself out and not at the expense of you and your family.

Any signs of depression/breakdown before the start of the affair or has this just happened upon discovery ?

carlywurly · 15/05/2011 19:13

Totally agree with counting. Are you going in to the appointment with him? Do you feel you need to hear it from the doctor yourself? Be aware your H might not be honest if you're there.

I would, painful though it might be, put thoughts of him as much to the side as possible and look after yourself and your dc's. Don't feel guilty, like others, I would not be at all surprised to find out he's still seeing OW, and possibly even staying with her during his time out.

I'd think about taking some legal advice so you know where you stand. Really sorry you're going through this.

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