Lost in the Jungle there's a lot to assimilate in your posts but my first impression is that the gender politics are hugely relevant here, as they are in many affairs.
If we can deal with the affair first, let me tell you what I think. I don't doubt for a moment that the OW pursued a relationship with your H. The notion that women don't pursue affairs with men is archaic and from a feminist perspective, there is no reason why we should expect better behaviour from women than men. I don't disbelieve that she pursued very hard either. What I disagree with however is that your H didn't notice that she was interested and in a short space of time, did nothing to actively encourage her interest.
Even if she physically jumped on him and tried to kiss him, a man who was not interested in having an affair and who was truly shocked by her actions would have recoiled on the spot and told her to get off. I think you also need to see that when he described that phone call with you and the joke you made about not missing him, he is effectively telling you that his next actions were punitive. He decided to buy condoms and sleep with the OW. I doubt that there is any link at all between the two events, but I've heard more versions than I could shake a stick at, of this "you made me do it" story.
I profoundly disagree that men and women have different morals or sex drives, although I regret that some men never grow out of the socialisation to accept sex more or less whenever it is offered. I also profoundly disagree with the adage that men need sex to feel loved and women need love to want sex, but agree that this is how men and women are conditioned in our society, until they grow up and start to challenge those very confining roles.
Thankfully, lots of women don't need to feel loved and adored to enjoy sex and lots of men don't need lots of sex to feel loved and adored, either.
I do think that sex and fidelity are often used as a means of enacting power and control in a relationship, by both genders.
From how you've described your relationship, it seems you have very strong ideas about male and female roles and have a tendency to make very sweeping generalisations about "male and female" traits and skills.
From the way you describe your relationship, it sounds as though your H as a person is a procrastinator with big ideas but a lack of motivation and hard work. You describe him as a great Dad and perhaps he came into his own as a SAHP. The fact that you disliked your job isn't his fault, but like many men who work while their spouse is a SAHP, you wished that you could spend more time with your child. You say you resented that and by inference, blamed your H for that.
When you moved to your current country, it seems that this parenting arrangement was reversed more to what you appeared to want; you as a SAHP and your H working and providing. But yet again, it sounds like his individual traits of being very passive, lazy and de-motivated came to the fore again and no work was forthcoming. This then led to your renewed resentment.
When there is huge simmering resentment in a relationship, it often manifests itself in the sexual relationship. It sounds as though your lack of respect for your H led to you not wanting sex and moreover, to you not wanting any physical affection at all or to offer expressions of love. This was perhaps an area of life you felt you could control and you used it to punish your H for his shortcomings.
This is where it matters not a jot whether you are male and female. If a man was feeling resentful of his partner for any reason, lost respect for her and stopped telling her he loved her, said he found her unattractive and stopped being affectionate and sexual, it would hurt - it would hurt terribly. Your H wasn't feeling hurt because he was a man, but because he was a human being.
Meanwhile, by using your romantic and sexual relationship to punish your H, you ended up punishing yourself, since I can't imagine you wanted a life without affection and good sex?
When this happens, both parties end up being punished when the answer is often to come to the table and speak honestly about their expectations of eachother. Perhaps your H didn't want to be the breadwinner and a businessman? Perhaps he just didn't tell you that? Perhaps you could have brokered a compromise whereby you both worked and shared the parenting? Perhaps he could have stopped being like a rebellious child and you could have stopped being the critical parent?
As for the affair, I think this has got nothing to do with his gender and everything to do with his personality and state of mind prior to his infidelity. I suspect part of his motive for this was punitive, but that will probably take him a long while to admit. The clues are all there though and especially in his reference to the phone call you had.
I completely disbelieve the idea that he wasn't aware of this woman's intentions until she "jumped him" but can see what the pay-off for him of not admitting prior knowledge. If he admitted that, he would also have had to admit that he didn't swerve the temptation and instead chose to feed it (see my earlier post). I also think he would have had sex regardless of your phone call and I think the reason he kept going back for more was because he was, like millions of people before him, caught up and captivated by a sexual and romantic adventure.
If you wouldn't have done the same, it's got nothing to do with you being a woman. It's because of your personal barriers to infidelity and nothing else. Women do not behave better than men and we shouldn't expect ourselves to.
Not all men will be unfaithful and not all men will take up the opportunity of unexpected sex. It's doing an enormous disservice to men to imply that they would.
Better I think to bring this back to the personal and realise that people make these kinds of mistakes. Infidelity is practised by all sorts of men and women. All that separates them is their personal vulnerability to infidelity and opportunity.
The challenge you have is to see this as simply an extension of what was already there in your H. A childish man who resented taking responsibility for much in life, a man who chose an affair to stick his tongue out at you and punish you, a man who lied like a child does when found out for a misdemeanour and a man who I've got no doubt is lying still.
I cannot stress enough to you that it matters not about the state of your relationship, you are not responsible for his infidelity. You were jointly responsible for the problems in your marriage and the pernicious parent-child dynamic that pervaded it, but were not responsible for your H's behaviour.
If he regrets this and most importantly starts telling the truth and owning his own behaviour and responsibility for every action and faces up to the other behaviours that we can see here so obviously and are like a blueprint for future infidelity (lack of responsibility, childishness, passive-aggressive ways of dealing with grievances) then there is hope.
Equally, you need perhaps to reflect on your own views and behaviours and the expectations you seem to have about men, their roles and their "inabilities" and expect more in some areas and less in others.