How to change the default childcarer/housework assumption?

[notremotelyintofootie]

Hi, I have posted about various issues I have with dh and i am leaving my options open etc but there is this one issue that causes so much stress and I would really appreciate any practical advice or your experiences on how to resolve this... The scenario is;

DH has a full time job, shifts that vary but 35 hours a week when he is expected to be at work, no opportunity to home work as it's hands on care. Travel is approx 30-40 mins walk or 20 mins bus each way...

DW is contracted to do a minimum 35 hours a week but the timing is flexible to an extent and some can be done at home if given peace ad quiet to do it, various meetings and training sessions here and there that dw is expected to attend. Travel to workplace 20-30 mins walk, 10 min bus. DW paid quarterly bursary which with tax position is the equivalent to DH's salary.

I am DW btw....

During pregnancy it was agreed that dh would look after dd when not at work so that dw could work and thus reduce the need for childcare, no family nearby so formal childcare is only option. Dw took 6 months out and since dd was 4 months old has supposedly back qt work full time, the problem is dh often moans he ia too tired before or after shifts, only wants to do a few hour when it suits him and doesn't come straight back after early shifts so dw cannot work then, on days off ge insists he needs to rest or that we should do things together and so dw again has limited time to work....
And yet, it is assumed that dw is always there to look after dd (now 15 months) for all dh's shifts, trips to pub, chill out time... Also dw ends up doing 90-95% of housework as dh is too tired/doesn't have time etc...

After much hassle I managed to get dd into nursery 3 afternoon a week but this is not enough but whenever I say about more sessions I am told we can't afford it! Its true we are skint but if I don't do my hours we risk losing half our income!

How can I really effectively challenge this assumption that I am always the default carer/housekeeper without too much of a fallout?

Can you work away from home (at your workplace?) for specified times so that Dh has to care for dd and you have no distractions?

My dh seems to view my job as a hobby too btw (I put this down to his Mother not working). He knows we need my income but some neanderthal part of him wants to believe that only he is bringing home the bacon.

I have my desk at uni (I am a funded phd student in my last year... Ironically when completed I should be able to earn around £10k more than dh..) but its getting him to agree to getvoytvof bed before 10 (-at the earliest as he starts work at 2) or to simply be there for dd, she wakes at 6:30ish and I would love to go to work 8-8:30 butvhw physically won't take over.... Or moans that I have tonbe back by xx tine so he can get ready for work, usually wants me back by 12 so he cab have lunch and get ready to start at 2!

He is taking the piss.

The only way you can challenge this is to sit down with him and ask him why he thinks he is more entitled to leisure time than you are, and why he is not enabling you to work, at a time when jobs are things that people need to hang on to. Also why he thinks he is more tired than you and why he has the right to be let off the shit work of the house.

Don't let him fob you off. He is cheating you. If he is a decent man, he'll be ashamed of himself for having fallen so quickly and easily into the old entitled way of seeing himself. If he is a prick, he'll tell you you're nagging.

Schedule your hours, plan them a week or preferably 2 in advance. Make a chart/plan, sit down with dh, and list who is working when. Have a column for "working" and a column for "looking after dd" and make sure he realises that while you're working he is doing childcare.

When you are working at home, work in a room with the door shut.

You also need to list the household jobs and split them up between you. You always clean the bathroom, he does all the hoovering, that kind of thing. Don't split it up so that you each do half the hoovering - cos then he won't do his. And try to give him jobs that will bother him if they don't get done.

If you sit and list it all out like this, he can't say "I'm too tired" - well he can, but you can point out that you are both doing exactly the same amount, and you're tired too, and what is his solution?

If he complains, suggest that you give up work. Start planning the budget there and then, looking at what you'll have to give up (eg trips to the pub).

Aah I see. Def don't do any work from home then. List it all out. All the hours available in the week, and what needs to fit in.

If he wants a 2-hour lunch break, you get one too.
If you do a 6:30 start one day, he does the next.

If it's all in black and white in front of him and he moans it is too much, you can tell him it is too much for you, too.

Set regular work hours and do them at your workplace or the library - not in a childcarer setting. You could tell DH that work has mentioned it and you now need to work set hours?
During these set times he needs to be looking after DCs.

With the housework, could you each have certain jobs to do, divided up so its 50-50?

Change the assumption in yourself that it is even remotely acceptable for him to treat you as his skivvy.

Tell him to get the fuck up and deal with his child when he's responsible for her.

Tell him to fuck off when he wants you home so he can have lunch. He can arrange lunch for both if them like parents all over the worl every day.

Tell him to get his shirking arse the fuck home when he's supposed to be minding his child. How dare he just not bother showing up like some teenager.

Make it absoluty crystal clear to him in words of one syllable that either he pulls his weight like a man or he can fuck off back to his mother's like a little boy.

Why on earth do you put up with being treated as second best to someone so clearly lacking in the fundamentals of adulthood.

Isn't he ashamed of being such a loser?

Do you fancy him? He sounds deeply unsexy with his whiny sense of entitlement.

Thanks everyone, I am doing an assertiveness workshop on Monday afternoon so will use that and the advice you have all given me next week to start making a change!

Make a list of everything you do, he does, what hours you need to work, how much leisure time you both get etc.
Then when he can see it in black and white ask him to give you a good reason why it is fair that you get treated like a skivy.
Ask him why he wants to be so unfair and nasty to his wife by not doing his fair share.
Ask him why he thinks that you deserve less time to do the things you need (work) and want ( do you have any hobbies/time out for yourself?)
Ask him what it is that he does so much more than you, that he can justify treating you like a 2nd class citizen.
Ask him why does he not love and care about his wife, because loving husbands do not treat their wifes unfairly.

I feel that he will not see this than anything other than nagging, i hope i am wrong.