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Original poster

'D'H refusing to move out AND refusing to pay anything towards house

13 replies

CallyJade · 11/03/2011 17:23

I'm a regular lurker and occasional poster and I could really do with some ideas on how to deal or cope with this situation.

H and I split up at Christmas, he is a "functional alcoholic" and I couldn't stand the emotional abuse, the unreasonable behaviour and sheer isolation that the condition brings with it any longer. I couldn't have any friends around for fear of him getting verbally abusive, he spent his life sat in front of the tv or pc and wasn't interested in doing anything with me or our DDs.

Since we've split up, he tries not to drink in the house, he goes to his brothers and drinks there instead, once a week. He is calling himself a "recovering alcoholic".

We have 3 DDs, they are 21, 20 and 17. All of them still live at home. One is hoping to get a shared ownership place later this year. One moved out and then has moved back in again after splitting with her BF and cannot afford to move out again as she is on trainee wages. The youngest is still at school.

None of them want to live with their Dad, and I couldn't leave them here anyway because of his abusive behaviour when drunk.

H told me at Christmas that he knew his behaviour has been unreasonable and that he would move out. Between then and now his Mum died so for obvious reasons I haven't pushed it. He is due to get an inheritance from this.

Ten days ago, he told me he wasn't going to move out because it would be financial suicide - why should he pay lots of money anywhere else when he could pay half the mortgage here for peanuts? So I worked out a fair amount to pay me - I really couldn't have been more fair - and gave it him to look at. I took on all the bills at the end of January as I thought he was leaving. He has not paid a penny towards food, mortgage or bills since 1st February.

Today he has finally told me he has no intention of paying me anything.

What the hell do I do now?

House is in joint names. We earn the same. I can't afford to go and take the kids although i can afford to stay here and pay for everything.

OP posts:

HecateTheCrone · 11/03/2011 17:34

1 - stay where you are and pay for everything and have him freeloading

2 - move out and leave him to it, take the 17yr old and tell the two adult children that you have that you are not in the financial position to keep them and they will have to pay their way

3 - see a solicitor and see what your legal options are

(4 - kill him and bury him in the back garden)

squeakytoy · 11/03/2011 17:36

your two oldest are adults, and no longer your responsibility, if they come with you, they should be paying a good whack of the rent and bills anyway..

Original poster

CallyJade · 11/03/2011 17:45

Ok, should have clarified. Oldest two pay rent - DD1 has saved a fair deposit towards the flat she hopes to get but because of various reasons, she didn't get one on the last "phase" and now needs a bigger deposit to get one this time. She's working three jobs to do this. DD2 is a trainee, she also pays rent but doesn't earn much. If I take more off her she could not afford to get to work.

I need what they pay me in rent. If we all move rent will be more than mortgage here and so couldn't do anyhow.

And seriously, would you move out and leave your kids with someone who yells and smashes things? However old they are? At least if I'm here that anger is directed at me.

I like option 4 so far... :)

OP posts:

RubyFakeNails · 11/03/2011 17:47

I would see a solicitor, if you can afford to stay and pay for everything just focus on how to get him out. You can pursue a financial contribution from him at a later date.

Try to persuade him you will accept him not paying money if he just leaves. Hassle him, men tend to give in for a quiet life. Would he respond to you going a bit nuclear and chucking his things out or just saying fuck off in no uncertain terms? Mention the cost of divorce etc, say you will go down that route if he doesn't leave. See a solicitor definitely but maybe don't tell him, I'd try an get someone recommended.

Sorry your going through this must feel horrible that he's there and you wish he wasn't, unfortunately I normally have the problem of making them stay so not too sure how much help my advice will be.

Rubes x

LadyBiscuit · 11/03/2011 17:48

I think 3. Start divorce proceedings, citing unreasonable behaviour.

HecateTheCrone · 11/03/2011 17:49

what you don't want to do, is end up saddled with a mortgage default debt.

I think that if you divorce him, you can force the house to be sold. See a solicitor.

You could then rent something with your half.

MigratingCoconuts · 11/03/2011 17:56

...or I can lend you a spade?

RubyFakeNails · 11/03/2011 18:00

by the sound of it, everybody would believe an alcohol related 'accident'

fuzzywuzzy · 11/03/2011 18:09

If he starts smashing thigns and 'directing' his anger at you, call the police!

If he is being physically abusive, call thep olice and get a restraining order against him.

But mainly consult CAB or a soicitor to see if you can get him out of the house, and I'd personally begin divorce proceedings, but then my tolerance level for anything approaching abusive behaviour is very low these days!

Underachieving · 12/03/2011 12:26

Do youknow what, sometimes there is no more room for reasonable. Sometimes it's last straw time.

You could change the locks, put his stuff in bin bags on the drive and call the police if he takes issue with it. Yes, you really could.

Ok so there's then going to be a divorce and fallout about who gets to keep the house and blah blah blah, but he's a self confessed alchie, he's abusive and all three of your children will vouch for that, you've got care of at least one school-aged child and you can afford the upkeep of the house but he can't. What do you think is gonna happen in the divorce, coz I'm thinking the outcome looks pretty predictable to me.

If it's last straw time it's last straw time. If you throw the man out and he refuses to leave the property and gets abusive (even if "only" verbal) then it is a breach of the peace and the police can remove him. They will too if you tell them how he's been terrorising you. That he is a joint owner of the house wont factor on thier radar. You see there is the law and there is the Law. Civil law is a piffling nuissance to a copper but Real Law, with actual crimnal offences, well that's what they go to work for. Breach of the peace is real law.

If I were you I'd check this with a good divorce solicitor first. You might be interested in an organisation called Rights Of Women or another called Community Legal Advice.

Move NOW proposed cuts to legal aid funding from April means you'd be a fool to delay it.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2011 12:40

Put a lock on the fridge and give your kids the combination or key.

Ditto the pantry/larder.

If he goes crazy at that, ring the police and let them know he's abusive and refuses to leave - get the kids to vouch for that.

Apply for divorce.

scurryfunge · 12/03/2011 12:51

Catalogue all incidents of violence and apply for an injunction to keep him away from you.

wellwisher · 12/03/2011 15:31

Does your H have a job, OP?

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