Not sure if this is the right topic but here goes nothing....narcissistic mother anyone?

[GlynisIsFixed]

I've been lurking and reading almost all the links and threads about narcissistic parents (well mothers in particular) and really feel I have one

I've found reading this really useful but sad at the same time.

I almost have a feeling of 'mourning' for the mother I wanted but now realise I have, if that makes sense?

Is it possible to foster an arms-length relationship with a NP?

I had some counselling almost 20 years ago with reference to our relationship. Maybe I need some more?

Sorry if this is in the wrong topic heading, if MNers think it is, I'll ask for it to be moved.

Thanks for reading

This is the right place. Stately homes threads are useful too.

I have a cluster B "mother" and have cut all contact with her, and unfortunately my sisters too, as they are caught up in the strange family dynamic.

I was their scapegoat.

Some people have managed to maintain relationships of sorts with these people. I couldn't. The grief I feel, as well as the relief at being out of that insanity, can sometimes be overwhelming. I had inner child therapy on the nhs, which was extaordinary. John Bradshaw's book "Homecoming" is amazing too.

Knowledge is power. If you know what they're doing, when they're doing it, it makes it easier.

I wish Grace was still around, she was an amazing source of wisdom and support.

Thank you for your reply, I was trying to not 'refresh' every 3 seconds....the feeling of rejection was becoming all too familiar

I've developed a very 'water off a ducks back' attitude to many things in life, but nothing hurts like a good old 'narc attack' does it?

YKWIM, that half an hour afterwards when it dawns on you you've been 'had' again?

I'm 'lucky' I suppose that I have siblings to share the 'scapegoatness' with, but it doesn't make it any better to be honest. What makes it really fucked up though is the 'Golden Child' in our family also suffers appalling mental health, so I feel like a right bitch at times. Maybe I am, but it's how I've learnt to cope.

My BIL is a narcissist and I have arrived at the conclusion that the inlaws are narcissists as well. They have certainly enabled him to the nth degree and narcs certainly need enablers!. BIL no longer speaks to either his brother or myself (thank goodness!) through his own choice. He no longer celebrates Christmas or his birthday either; he is a very dysfunctional man at heart.

Some publications you may find useful to read:-Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown

If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward

Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golumb

Hi Glynis, I have lurked on the npd threads. I always knew my Mum wasn't quite like other Mums but until she left halfway through the week when I had just had my pfb, as she wasn't welcome in her words I finally realised.

I always feel like I am on edge with her and obviously didn't play the game as I had just had a baby so didn't make her the priority. I'm visiting her next week for two nights but she hasn't seen ds since Nov , blew me out at Christmas because she didn't feel up to socializing!

I am not going to fall out with her, or question why she acts like this , she is completely selfish but I don't want to cut her off completely as then I would feel bad. I however expect nothing from her and live my life knowing I have no family that I can rely on. We text each other a lot and I call her but she NEVER picks up the phone so I know if I didn't call we would never speak for months on end.

Having my own child has also made me realise how weird she is as well.
I read your link and saw a few familiar things so thanks for that.

I think what you say Mirabelle about having your own child has been the 'wake up' for me also.

I have much older children, and the youngest of those is the same age as my DD is now when I had the counselling. (19 yr age gap)

I think as my sons grew older I also gained confidence in my own parenting skills and judgement, I've had a bit of a ropey start to this year (not linked to her) but I think I've let my guard down and she's weedled herself in again.

Thanks for the reading list, Atilla have you read all of those yourself or have they been recommended to you? Are there any you have found particularly helpful at all?

Glynis it must be hard when life is rubbish it's only natural to turn to your Mum isn't it. A few years ago that's what I naturally did but now I do not bother her with my troubles but I do know if desperate I probably would turn to her.

I don't know about you but my Mother seems to like me more when my life is a disaster , now that I am happily married with a baby I seem to annoy her more than ever. When I had worrying medical issues immediately after childbirth and dh called to tell her this and that she was a grandma, she did not answer.

I spoke to her later, but she was more concerned about how worried I had made her, not for my welfare . I read that on a link on here and that's when I realised, everything is about HER.

I've dipped into "Toxic parents" but the rest have been recommended by others.

My mum has 'confessed' to needing to be needed, she can only be there if you're in dire need. Thing is, if you ask her for help there are so many conditions attached it really is better to carry on without her.

And she really isn't interested. At all

What's happened to Grace?

hello Glynis

There are a few of us on here with narcs for mothers. I have been having psychotherapy for just over a year, and it is now beginning to really help.

I see my mother as she is very elderly and I feel it is my duty to see it out to the end. Since I had my light-bulb moment about my family around four years ago it has got easier.

Still now though I wish it would all go away come back normal, but it won't, so I just have to get on with it.

There are some good websites which I have found very helpful, just google NPD and narcissistic mothers. I find that reading them and then going back to them even months later is helpful, as different things seem to jump out at me as time goes on.

It is so difficult to describe what these people are like, so I find it useful to post and talk to others who understand the difficulties.

I am very, very lucky that my children seem to be ok. It was touch and go with one of them, but I think I left my narc exH in the nick of time.

Just keep posting. There are sadly many of us who understand.

Hi Glynis, like you I have been lurking on these threads - I think I read one about do you actually like your parents and it struck a chord with me, I read the website and think there is a possibility my mother is a narcissist.

The key is everything is about HER. Prime example was when pregnant she kept saying she was going to come and stay with me for a week because it was her 'prerogative' to look after her daughter. She totally fed off the drama that was me having high bp after 36 weeks and being monitored in hospital and being all concerned when I know she was waltzing into work and telling everyone. She then told me it was all my fault because I worked for too long and I was doing too much with things that involved my husband's family and I put on too much weight. I could probably keep going!

Just wanted to kind of admit to it in a way, I am just starting to understand the behaviour and all the crap I've put up since forever really.

Summer , such a similar situation to me. When pregnant last year I had to go to hospital to be monitored, dh worked away all week so had to ring her as I was vunerable and upset worrying about baby. Seemed so concerned played the perfect Mum but she has made no effort to see my ds for months and put us off visiting her when we visited other family nearby.

It's so hard to accept they don't care, not like they should, not when I see the way dhs parents are with him.

Hi all

Yes, the realisation is pretty gutting isn't it?

Mum is very active in her local church, she seems to bend over backwards for parrishoners, but can hardly spare a half hour for her family. In fact she invites me up for lunch - I take the half hour bus journey, she gives me a sandwich then tells me she's got to go out visiting an hour after I've arrived.

It's also very difficult to talk about to some people as it feels like a character assassination at times.

How does anyones DP (if you have one) or close friends see your NP?

My DH has a narc bro

My mum stayed for a week (longest week of my life) after having my first baby (by C-section). She made me one cup of tea and that was the sum total of her help. It was a total light-bulb moment as for the first 28yrs of my life I had always seen my Mum as a tad odd but becoming a mother signaled to me that there was something seriously wrong with her personality.

Unless someone has good experience of dealing with a Narc it is impossible for them to comprehend. Being raised my my mum was like death by a thousand cuts.

Hi Glynis

My mum goes through phases of being narcissistic so I know just how you feel.

I found it really helpful to read the Toxic Parents book. Apart from the lightbulb 'it's not just me and I'm not an insane piece of shit!' moment, it gives you strategies for standing your ground and stating your needs in a non-confrontational way.

This was a real breakthrough for me - that I was actually 'allowed' needs. We have a pretty good relationship now, but it was awful for years. Like I say, she wasn't an extreme case but I still find it incredibly hard not to put her wishes as priority because that's the way it always was.

But from my point of view - and everyone's will be different - things have got better.

I was trying to work out where to put this, and this seems to be the perfect thread...my mum's 80th is coming up and she rang to say that, at the family party she wants all the family- my DP, and children, ranging from 22 to 27 years old, to do a recitation/sing a song/ etc. I said yes, but then, when the phone was down, thought WTF - why can't she just be happy with us all getting together. Is it unreasonable of her to expect us to do this?
Oh yes, the rest of the conversation was to say that they weren't giving them birthday money any more as they don't write thank-you letters. Again, that's OK, but they never remember their birthdays anyway...

just marking my place , have just finished reading
when you and your mother can't be friends and will i ever be good enough healing the daughters of narcisstic mothers .
for the first time in 40 years and years , i've suddenly realised it wasn't my fault . as i read them the quotes could have come from my mother and myself . feeling very sad at the moment all the years of not understanding why she seemed to hate me and trying to please her for nothing etc and sad for the relationship i see other mothers and daughters have .
i was also the scapegoat and it really hurts to see her lavishing attenton on my dsis and her family but ignoring mine .

Sonearsofar , no it's not unreasonable to be happy with a get together without everyone performing.

Oldmrsanxious , it's so hard isn't it? Perhaps I should buy one of these books? I googled psychotherapy earlier, but don't see how I could attend as have baby and no childcare. Must be awful being made to be the scapegoat, although I can't fully understand that dynamic as I am an only child.

Hi there, my mum was a narc, too, which we realised after she died. It was pointed out to me my a doctor friend of the family. I have since been able to grieve for the mother I wish I'd had, rather than the evil woman I was forced to grow up with.

I can also recommend the books mentioned by Attila- I found them very helpful, as well as some cognitive behavioural therapy which I had to dig in my heels to get through the NHS as I wanted one on one sessions.

It helps me very much to read these threads as it's not something that friends with parents who don't have this condition can ever really understand.

My way of coping with narc mum when she was alive was to live in a different country, which we initially moved to for work, but quickly realised this was the best way getting out of it. A phone call every few months kept her happy- she didn't care anyway.

I still have low self esteem and periodically get depressed- as do my siblings. But it's getting easier- just being aware of the crapness of my upbringing makes me determined to try not to pass too much of it onto my kids.

sonearsofar

I was brought up as a 'performer' . We all were, sent to dancing/music/singing lessons and were routinely paraded in the manner of Von Trapp family singers. Lots of kids would have loved that, especially as at the height of 'Fame' fever we were well ahead in the stakes, but the reality was horrendous.

It's no good to be seen as an accessory - especially if your mother shouted at you for not giving your all and having no self confidence............

On the subject of 'leaving' your mother, mine refused to help my sister move house, to her dream 'forever' house as she 'didn't understand why she should help sis leave her '