Intimacy issues

[StickThemWithThePointyEnd]

This is difficult for me, so please bear with me.

By the way, my husband works 48 hours a week from home, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and on maternity leave from a part-time job, and we have a 19 month old DC.

So, I have intimacy issues following months of sexual abuse as a teenager.
I had counselling and therapy. Things have improved, and I am now able to actually have sex without crying, and even enjoy it, though not always.

The thing is, I never really feel like having sex. I never really have done. Maybe once or twice, not counting the first few months after first meeting my husband 6 1/2 years ago. If I feel the need, there are always simpler ways (in my head) to sort that out.
I love my husband a lot, and the poor guy has tried all sorts to make me feel more relaxed, comfortable or in the mood for things.
We've tried things together, but these only seem to be temporary fixes, and, if we don't maintain them, everything quickly goes back to something like a 2-monthly schedule.

There is always the thought in the back of my head that he is only showing me affection because he wants to use me for sex. I know that he's not using me as such and just wants to be close to me, but maybe because I don't get the same sort of enjoyment out of sex, that thought never quite goes away. Even when he tells me I look good I can't help but wonder if he's just saying it because he wants to have sex.
I enjoy the affection, but often can't bear the thought of having sex, which makes me unable to accept the affection out of fear that I'll either have to reject him or let him get on with things while I try not to be a wuss.
I've even gone so far that I've spent days in my PJs looking terrible on purpose.
Sometimes it seems easier to just sit on the sofa and do nothing than to give my husband a bit of enjoyment, you know, like a sudden feeling of being too tired without actually feeling tired. Or thinking that I'm quite comfortable right now, if I have to go and get at least half undressed, and share my fanjo with someone..... I'm not even going to go there.
Nevermind the fact that our toddler is awake during the day.

I have spoken to him about all of the above.

Here is the bit I don't know how to approach:
Recently, things have got worse in my head. Maybe because I've taken up counselling again for other issues I've had for years, and that might also be affecting my intimacy issues, or maybe because I am rather pregnant.
I've started mentally recoiling when he touches or kisses me, it almost makes me feel uncomfortable, but I don't know why. It's not that I don't find him attractive, or that he is doing it in a horrible way. This feeling really scares me.
I think, while he doesn't know this, he can sense it, because he's been making extra efforts lately, things like looking after DS while working just so I could have a bath or sleep in, cleaning the whole house without grumbling or expecting anything in return (we usually share housework quite evenly, I'm talking about him doing EVERYTHING apart from the laundry here). He even asked me if I fancied going to a classical concert a couple of days ago, and he really finds classical music quite boring. (but for £12 a ticket in our tiny townhall it feels like a waste...)
This morning he asked me straight out if I wanted to have sex and told me he was getting a bit frustrated, and also disenheartened by the thought that once I give birth we obviously won't be having any sex for a while (the pressure is on!).
He was almost in tears when he told me he'd been looking up ways of how to make me feel better about him, and how it knocks his confidence every time I reject him.
He accepts that no means no, but it doesn't stop him feeling bad about it.
I feel bad about it, but I don't know what to do anymore.
He said he would never consider ending our marriage over this, and he understands that I have issues with intimacy, but that's why he's been trying to do all these things.

Does anyone have any ideas?

thanks for reading and advice.

Oh Ivy, so sorry to hear your story. Have not got time to give you a full answer, but bumping for you.

thanks, jezabelle.

bump?

He sounds like a lovely guy. Maybe you should bring it up in your counselling sessions?

Would you feel more comfortable taking full sex off the menu for the moment, but doing other intimate things/sexual things with him, instead?

I think it's probably most important that you keep communicating and making sure he knows you love him.

Oh, he sounds absolutely lovely.

I really don't know what to suggest. Basically what zikes said.

Oh god, I don't know how it is that I spent quite a while writing a response and now I see that it is not here. Can't not respond but sorry if it now seems so summarised.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You deserve massive patience and understanding from your husband. It sounds like he is doing very well at giving you that, much, much better than most men would. I have never been abused so I can't give you any tips on how to come around to sex after what you've been through, but I can tell you a little about what has just happened to me.

I discovered last week that my husband had a short (and apparently meaningless, "just sex") affair at Christmas while DS (5) and I were away. We have had a rubbish sex life for a long time because of underlying issues in our relationship, for which I believe he was largely responsible, so I am not blaming myself. But I have come to understand now just how important rewarding sex is for a lot of (most) men, and I really wish that he/we had talked about it and avoided what happened. Please check out my post on this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1164923-Why-dont-I-want-sex-with-my-DH?pg=2

Of course, it may be that you are one of the few woman who could see her way to letting her husband find sex elsewhere and not let it affect their relationship. If you can, don't let anyone judge you for it - not least you yourself. But I think it is impossible for most women.

My feeling is that you must keep at your counselling and that you should talk to your counsellor about involving your husband as well. He needs to feel that he is heard and understood (seems like you have also been doing a good of making sure he is, but you need to really keep emphasising it and this is a good way). Have you discussed the issues with your counsellor already?

I wish you both the very best.

Hi Ivy. I'm back with more time now. I just wanted to point out that many woman with a 19 mth old and being 34 mths pg might not feel in the mood. You make it clear that your past does effect your sex life with DH, but keep in mind that lots of women go through spells were they just don't want to have sex when dealing with small children and pg.

I have also done that making out I'm really tired at bed time thing because I can't really face it, and not wanting to get my kit off because basically I'm warm and cosy. I haven't done a survey, but I'm guessing that's fairly normal during some point in a couples life.

Having said that, I completely agree with lostinthejungle that sex is very important in keeping a relationship strong, especially for the man. I really hadn't realised this until recently, (which may sound naive to some), but about a year ago DH and I attended marriage councelling together. This was mainly due to DH suffering from severe depression and doubting everything in his life including his marriage.

I found the RELATE councelling to be excellent and one of the things that came out of it was the importance of sex. So we're working on it (but that's another thread!)

I think the advice to keep talking is great. Also, maybe do go out for a meal together, get dressed up and act like a couple. Have a 'lots of effection but no sex rule' for the evening if you feel more comfortable/ less anxious that way.

I reckon if you really can't bare to have sex then obviously don't, but if there are times when you are just too cosy in your PJs then maybe put the extra effort in. Sex (in a healthy relationship) breads sex IMO and the more you do it the more you feel like it. I know some of this may not be relevant due to your background - I hope you don't think I am being insensitive.

But seriously; you're 34 mths pg with a LO. I'd gently point this out to DH and not be too hard on yourself. He cleary loves you loads and from the kind, respectful way you talk about him in your post, you clearly love him too.

Good luck Ivy.

Yea, you must be exhausted, with a toddler and about to give birth! (I did at 36 weeks), stop berating yourself and tell him that sex takes the back burner at times like this!

And put your feet up!

He sounds a hands-on husband and dad tho, lucky you! (Mine checked out emotionally after the birth and literally at baby's 6 months)

thank you all for your replies - it's really helpful for me.
Sex IS important, and I do understand what you mean, Jezabelle when you say sex breads sex - that works, even for me, most of the time.

my husband is a really great dad and adores our son to bits, he had some paternal PND after he was born and couldn't really bond with him until he was about 6 months old, so I did everything myself during that time. We were also living in an overcrowded house at that point, with MIL, her two younger kids (20 and 11), BIL1's nosey bitch of a girlfriend, a smelly lodger who never washed and then the three of us, all in a 3-bed house. Probably didn't help matters, but we have our own space now, so i'm hoping that things are better after the birth this time.
He works his butt off for his business, and I can appreciate that he, sometimes, just wants a bit of affection, especially after a bad day of work.
We don't get out much, but that's partially because we like to rather spend money on things like a big TV so we can enjoy watching movies together, or a new sofa, than "waste" it on a night out.
Last time we went out without DS was a month ago for our non-wedding anniversary, but before that, some time last year, I can't even remember.
[We even went camping for our honeymoon and took DS with us....]

I ordered the RELATE sex book yesterday after having a quick browse through it on amazon (someone else kindly pointed me in that direction, too), and it does seem to have some bits in it which could be helpful.

I am tired, but to be honest, not too badly. DS is a delight, fantastic at keeping himself entertained when I need a rest, he loves tidying, cuddles and even takes himself to sleep in the evenings :) I'm very fortunate.
I think DH's fear is that if we don't start working on this properly now, it isn't going to happen for a long time after DC2 is born, because I'll be more tired, have another baby to look after and will need time to heal.
I'm a pretty lazy sod, actually. I had to take my maternity leave slightly early, starting at the beginning of last week, because we had to close up due to a chickenpox outbreak, and since then I've been alternating sitting on my behind on the sofa, reading, MNing or crocheting&eating copious amounts of Werther's Original Milk and painting the kids' room in an insane determined nesting manner, doing 3 loads of laundry a day and scrubbing the kitchen floor, going to three tea drinking sessions toddler groups a week and ordering takeaways cooking.
I feel like a right lazy cow.

I'm trying to talk to him as openly about things as I can, but this is something I've always found difficult, and even more so when it comes to things like this. (I don't mean sex, I mean feelings).
I thought about involving him in the counselling, but he thinks cousellors are pointless and he always "knows" what they are going to say anyway, so it's pointless..

anyway, end of ramble, DS would like breakfast.