BIL and Drugs: What should we do?

[VeryWorriedSIL]

I couldn't find another topic to put this under, but please feel free to point me to one if one exists!

I have name-changed for this.

DH's family is comfortably well-off. He and his brother had good private educations and were given a lot of opportunities by their parents when growing up. DH has turned this into a happy family life and successful career, but his brother seems determined to mess up his life and we just don't know what to do (if anything) to help him.

BIL started smoking joints at university, much more than just the odd one here or there, but nothing more serious as far as we knew. He also ran up debts and got a mediocre degree.

My PILs knew about it but blamed it on BIL's friends. My DH never really believed that. Anyway, PILs and DH helped him to get on his feet after university and DH put his own neck on the line to help him get a really good job. PILs and DH have also helped him a lot financially. We all believed he was "clean" and debt-free and turning over a new leaf.

DH has recently found out this isn't the case. Through a mutual friend, he's discovered that his brother is now taking cocaine, although we don't know if it's occasional use or all the time. From his past track record, it would be easy to conclude which, as he doesn't seem to have any self-control. DH also suspects he's got into debt again, in spite of earning really good money. There is also the worry that this is the next step towards a much more serious habit.

We don't know what to do. The friend who told DH doesn't want anything to do with it and it would be blindingly obvious to my BIL how DH found out, if DH confronts him. For various reasons, mostly logistical, we can't tell PILs for the next couple of months, and anyway we're not sure if it would achieve anything given their past response. In any case, the idea of grassing up a 30 year-old man to his parents is faintly ridiculous!

DH doesn't have anyone else in the family to turn to who would be of any use, or close family friends. DH is very stressed with his work at the moment, working long hours, and we're having a baby this year, so this is the last thing we need. I know DH will be worrying himself sick about his brother, as he did before.

I am tempted to advise DH to cut off his brother, as I am not keen to have him around us and our young family if he's going to be like this (again). But this is not something that would work practically, and anyway we want to help him. He is a really nice guy most of the time, although very good at lying and putting on an act (I didn't believe how much he lied until I caught him out on one).

Has anyone else been through this? What do you suggest?

There isnt a lot you can do when the person is an adult. I think it would be quite pointless to worry his parents at this stage anyway, as you dont even know whether this is occasional recreations use (very very common amongst the age group), and you dont know if he is in debt either.

I think cutting him off is a bit harsh too. Most people who take cocaine, do so on nights out, and are perfectly capable of holding down a job to fund their lifestyle too. He is not going to be any "danger" around your children.

I think at 30, he is old enough to make his own mistakes and not expect his parents or brother to pick up the pieces too.. so stop mollycoddling him, he isnt a child.

Ok, now after all of that, IF it is a more serious habit, if he is in debt, then it may need a different approach, but you need to find out first, not just assume the worst.

I don't feel you need to judge or 'punish' him, as you would be doing by cutting contact or distancing your kids from him. There's no danger. Meanwhile, there's little you can do about it - or should do, even - unless & until his life really goes into ruins from it.

He's clearly not in ruins at the moment. Where I used to work, practically everyone had a humungous coke habit but all bar a few grew out of it in time, with no effects other than a lot of money wasted. IF he ends up losing his job, his home and his health, then you and his parents could stage an intervention. This would not be appropriate at present.

It's none of your business

I think you are all falling in to the trap of being your BIL's saviour and moral guide. Yes he got into trouble before with pot smoking, however he has turned it around and is holding down a well paid job. Yes your DH has helped him, however he has managed to keep the job so he can't be a complete dolt.

He is 30 now, you should mind your own business. It has absolurtely nothing to do with you, and it may not even be true. Fact is a lot of people take cocaine recreationally and manage to hold down well paid jobs. It has no impact on their day to day life or responsibilities. I loathe drugs and have never taken them myself, however from personal obsrvation I would say that pot is possibly more pernicious that cocaine is anyway. The pot smokers I have known have been feckless addicts, the coke users are jost occasional saturday nighters.

I don't see what good you would do in telling ypur in laws, or getting involved in any way. I also do not understand why you would cut him out your life. Let him live his life and why don't you live yours.

Unless he has asked for your help, there really is nothing you can do, and you certainly shouldn't be thinking along the lines of it being your problem that you have to help you with.

He is a grown man who is allowed to fuck up his life if he wants to, that's his choice to make and you shouldn't really be trying to solve his problems.

As for cutting him out, that is over reacting. Unless he's a danger to your children there is no need to cut him out, what he does for fun in his own time is his business, not yours.

You do mention he is on a lot of money, so it's not really surprising that he's taking cocaine (which you don't even know how often he does) but in some high paid jobs it is readily available within the social circles.

Agree with GetOrf

Keep your nose OUT. You have no idea of how or when he uses Cocaine and the reality is that many many people do on a recreational basis with no probs. You sound like you're judging him and being superior and as he is a GROWN man it really isn't your business. Cutting him off from his own bros is controlling and pathetic. If uou really want to 'help' then stop nosing into his life.

Eh, he's 30, has a job with good money and a degree.

He takes coke and probably gambles and has debts.

There is nothing for any of you TO do.

He's an adult, let him paddle his own canoe.

Incidentally, the above probably describes half the 30 year olds in the country.

Hi very worried,

re your comment:-

"I am tempted to advise DH to cut off his brother, as I am not keen to have him around us and our young family if he's going to be like this (again). But this is not something that would work practically, and anyway we want to help him".

Why do you want to help him?. Be honest with yourself here. You cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want to be rescued and or saved.

Cutting him off as you say is not going to be feasible. Neither of you are responsible for this man at the end of the day.

You cannot act as rescuers and or saviours here to your DHs brother and you certainly cannot keep enabling him as has happened previously.

Your ILs and yourselves enabled him by previously bailing him out financially and helping him get on his feet. That did not help him and it has partly served to keep him where he is. There were no consequences for his actions so he did not have to face up to his problems. Enabling him helps no-one, certainly not him and only gives you as a couple a false sense of control.