Well I'm tremendously relieved that the counsellor is taking a holistic approach to this. That's really encouraging and will help you to preserve the fidelity in your relationship much more successfully than focusing on the easy, relationship stuff.
Did you get Not Just Friends in the end? This will I think complement the counselling and also what I'm saying here. Your H's career is probably just one of the lifestyle vulnerabilities.
A couple of good questions to assess his individual vulnerability to infidelity are about his permission-giving process for this affair. What does he recall about his internal dialogue? If this behaviour was aberrant to him, what did he reason were his justifications for doing this?
Another good question is what role did he enjoy playing in this other relationship? People having affairs often enjoy being able to enact a different role to the one they currently perform in their primary relationship; romantic suitor, rescuer, erotic artist etc. Often in long relationships, we can get stuck in a script that is entirely different to the one we were following when our relationships were new. The challenge is to bring the enjoyed roles back into the primary relationship.
The desire to punish is very strong after an affair and it is why faithful partners tend to go through such a rollercoaster of emotions in the early weeks and months. A few days of intense, loving connection, followed by days filled with doubt and misery. The latter is often generated by a feeling that being close and loving conveys forgiveness - and that feels too soon and impossible to do.
It helps to discuss what being loving and kind does mean, in those early days. It doesn't mean forgiveness at all and it doesn't herald recovery. It can simply mean that you acknowledge the massive hurt and feelings of betrayal and get comfort from affection and love from your partner. Similarly, with sex. Couples often report a massively increased libido in the wake of an affair discovery and the reasons for this are hugely complex.
If a couple are doing all the right things trying to heal the breach, good sex can be a safe harbour from the storm that is raging elsewhere. At its best it can feel true and right, at a time when nothing in life seems certain anymore. As long as it isn't invested with any agendas (such as competition, trying to be a sexual goddess etc.) and is simply an expression of desire, re-connection or love, it can be an unexpected gift at a time of enormous stress.
Many betrayed partners erroneously think that agreeing to intimacy conveys forgiveness, but it doesn't and this should be clearly acknowledged. It is what it is and that means whatever you decide it to be. Very often I've noticed that betrayed parters end up punishing themselves as much as their partner, in resisting cuddles, affection and physical intimacy.
You might therefore need to give yourself permission to get the affection and intimacy you want and need and explain to your H what this actually means.