Help ! do i love him... he has asked for sex outside of the marriage

[Podders]

Dear Ladies

Its a very long story but basically 2 years ago found intimate text messages from a lady on my husbands phone that he had an affair with in his first marriage.... now its in mine. He hid her name and number on his phone and said she contacted him about work, it took a day for him to tell me tell me truth after facts were faced. She was in his phone as a sign company ! I still don't belive him. Why would you hide the name? He used to work away alot, so i used to happily have 2/3 days/nights on my own with our son Frankie (9) DH used to come home and it was all about him, I worshipped him until I found the text messages. He is quite a controlling person, was quite high up in his work etc, however, he is now out of work and at home all the time, and driving me crazy. He is constantly telling me how much he loves me, but ive lost a lost of love and admiration for him..... will i ever get it back???? HELP we have been on such a roller coaster for 2 years i just dont know what to do.. he has told me if we split he will fight me for our son.... and i cannot bear this, and feel i need to put up with it all for the sake of my son at least until he is adult enough.... HELP I am feel weak to make a major decision and just cant bear to hurt anyone my SON mainly ,,,,

Just to add .. this is my first post on here. and have read stuff in the past that has helped... and also. as I cannot freely show love in the bedroom he asked if he could go elsewhere with my permission ???? then retracted it by saying he loves me so much and that he just needs me !!!

Well, with the best will in the world, what can anyone else do? I really don't say that to be cruel, but nobody can make this choice for you.

You either stay with a man who you say controls you and who you don't love or respect and who you are, it seems, only staying with through fear that he will be difficult.

Or you don't.

I mean, you have to decide. Do you want the life you have now?

And how many men get custody of the children? Come on. Almost always the mother has custody. But yes, he'd certainly be entitled to access. and why not. He'd want to be in his son's life.

Or maybe not. Who knows.

Would he go to relate with you?

You don't have to put up with it. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with it.

[pombear]

Thank you Hecate the crone ..... i know no-one can make the decision for me, but i just don't feel in control to cause destruction as i see it for my son.

i dont currently want what we have, and yes im scared of a bunch of people making the decision of care for my son, and would never want dad to not be in his life

ive been to relate and ive been to a private counselor for speed, but he wont come, he has been invited officially twice, and by me numerous times, but he won't partake.

thanks for your response.... it all helps put things in perspective...

Everything Hecate said.

Plus - you married a man who you knew had broken a previous set of marriage vows? What made you think he had changed?

I couldn't be with someone who wanted to find sexual gratification outside of our marriage.

I couldn;t be with someone who wanted to control me.

But I can';t make the decision for you. You have do do what is right for you and your child.

Very true Alibabaandthe40nappies... thats what makes it worse as i have probably chosen to ignore his past cos we were so in love, and felt we would be different. But knowing what he did back then, doesnt hold him in a good light with me know this has entered our marriage!!!
I just never thought this would happen to 'US'

I'm sorry you are going through this. I truly do not mean to be cruel.

I am on here far too much and I hope that people will tell you that I am not a cruel person.

But the truth is that you get what you accept. If you see what I mean.

He is clearly not bothered enough about the relationship to work at it with you. He is letting you know he wants sex elsewhere (if he isn't doing it already) he is using threats to keep you with him.

He is very unlikely to get custody.

Do you think that it is damaging to your son to grow up with an unhappy mum? Do you think it is damaging to your son to grow up thinking that how his dad treats you is how a man treats his wife? Because you do realise he may well copy that in his relationships?

I think that is far more damaging to him than seperated parents.

oh, he's not unlikely to get custody for those reasons. I don't mean to imply that. I mean just that the father rarely gets custody.

hectatethecrone thank you... i know all you say is true and real, i dont need anyone to tell me you are cruel.... i know i get what i accept... and for now for my son i seem to be able to manage with it. but now he is making the lack of sex an issue which i just cant do... he is threathing me in away... but the next day he tries to retract it saying he wouldnt do it without my consent !! Why would i give that >???

Im sure as you say my son could potentially be suffering / noticing our problems, but i am trying so so hard to be happy and normal in front of him, but my husband cant seem to do the same.. its a long long hard road and i keep thinking there will be a happy ending..... but then i get a wake up call that says.... WAKE UP TINA .... im in a pickle and dont know how to get the balls to get out of it...

Sadly, that has to come from you. When it is more painful to stay with him than to make the break and go it alone, then you will do it.

Life is not easy. Choices are not easy.

I always say that life would be a piece of cake if your choices were
a) really great thing that will make me happy
or
b) really shitty thing that will ruin my life

but it's not like that. Most times, your choices are
a) difficult and rather shitty option 1
or
b) difficult and rather shitty option 2

You just have to decide which one you hate the least.

Or maybe which one offers you the long term possibility of happiness.

Life..... its not easy ... thanks guys for your words of encouragment, dont feel alone in my thoughts. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Podders - Hecate is spot on with this.

Emotional blackmail springs to mind.

Have a look HERE for suggestions on how to handle his threats of custody over your son.

Nasty piece of work with no respect for you or your marriage.

Do not be scared of this man. Take control xx

Will do Mouseface...be back in touch with an update over the weekend. Thanks everyone. Great first experience. very supportive and helpful xx

Podders, I want to add that since discovering my husband's affair a week ago, I have realised that I do believe (like many others on this forum have said time and time again, but unlike what I might have thought before last week) that good people make stupid mistakes, that it is not the case that once a cheater always a cheater, and also that sometimes it CAN be worth staying together for the sake of the children (as long as both parents can be moderately happy and function, therefore, as good parents). What I mean is that you won't get any knee-jerk, strident reactions from me any more. Even so, I am so hurt by my husband's betrayal that I still don't know what is going to happen.

But I want to tell you that my husband is a good guy, he is tender and caring (and STUPID STUPID STUPID of course). He is a beautiful father. He has withstood a barrage of verbal and, yes, physical attacks since I found out and is still hanging in for more because he understands what he has done to me. EVEN SO, leaving him is still a possibility.

I don't hear your husband acting like this. I hear him not bothering to talk about it with you, and threatening you with the most important thing you could ever have in your life - your child. What kind of father is that, seriously? Even if you manage to hide what has happened from your son, you are going to shrivel up inside and you cannot under those circumstances be the mother you need to be.

You need to get out of there and build a better life for your child.

Many many hugs.

I'm with Hecate all the way on this. So much so I have nothing to add. Sometimes the best answer just isn't pretty, no matter how you look at it. What Hecate says might not be pretty, but it's totally and utterly spot on.

So she has been on the scene in marriage 1 and now in marriage 2.

He's not going to stop banging her is he? whether you like it or not.

The sex outside the marriage was about her, be honest, and is between the lines of I'm not going to stop banging her, so I'm asking your permission so you share the guilt of it all.

He's only asking now, because he's out of work and therefore all of his movements are accountable. If not for this, he'd be banging her behind your back, whether you like it or not.

From a financial perspective, if he's not working, he can't afford to be spending his money or his energy on anything extra-marital.

She clearly has no respect for herself, or for you and doubtless considers as she pre-dates you, that you are not a threat/deterrent. He seems to concur.

This lack of respect from them both shrieks volumes. His threats to you about fighting you tooth and nail for your son is laughable.

How will HE leave, and raise a son, and a mistress on income support? Or is she loaded?

The court wouldn't remove a child from his mother without bloody good reason. he's using this as a stick to beat you into submission.

He's not contrite, he wants to have this concubine on the side with your blessing, which he's forcing you to give or he'll take your son.

What a prize wanker this guy really is, sorry, but he really is.

Living without this guy will be so much better for you, and for your son. It can't be any worse than living as you are currently.

the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.

While you are wrestling with this dilemma it's like tearing off a plaster really slowly. Once it's off, that's it. The relief is palpable.

You know what you have to do.