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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't get over DH's infidelity

43 replies

cloudybay24 · 10/03/2011 18:40

My DH was unfaithful to me with a colleague between Sept - Dec 2009. It was en EA which crossed the line and they kissed twice (drunk allegedly) It ended because I found out.

Prior to the Sept they texted a lot on evenings and weekends. I warned him it was inappropriate (21 vs his 41 and she was his admin person. She also babysat for us (I know FFS)).

Since then I believe that he has had minimal contact with her, he had her moved and got a new assiatant, and has gven me no reason to doubt him.

The problem is that I can't stop getting churned up about this. Try as I might I can't get over the texts and emails which I saw, I relive them in my head word for word, and have convinced myself that he must have slept with her - why wouldn't he have if he had the chance?

His reason was we weren't getting on. He acknowledges it was totally out of order, but says that it meant nothing.

I thought I was getting through this, rebuilding the trust, and I DO trust him on the whole, he is open with me about where he is, always in touch etc.

But I keep going over and over it in my mind, I want to punish him. But I love him and he loves me. We used to feel we were really special, but I feel he's spoilt it. I don't want to be 60 and still harbouring this bitterness.

We have 2 DCs, 12 and 8.

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 10/03/2011 19:18

It sounds like once you found out he just swept the issue under the carpet and you've been trying to carry on without actually addressing the reasons why he gave himself permission to have an EA and what steps he will be making to regain your trust again and safeguard your relationship against this ever happening again.

What has he said about it? What is he doing to show you he's making 100% effort?

It's up to him to fix this.

FattyArbuckel · 10/03/2011 19:19

EA? what do you mean?

romneymarsh · 10/03/2011 19:24

Emotional Affair

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 19:26

I couldn't get past it either, tbh

FattyArbuckel · 10/03/2011 19:29

Why not try some counselling for yourself? This will probably make you feel happier, whatever you decide to do imo

madonnawhore · 10/03/2011 19:31

Oh, and 'we weren't getting on' is NOT a reason for him to have done it.

Pathetic excuse.

waterrat · 10/03/2011 19:37

It does sound like you haven't really tackled what happened and why. Perhaps that is both of you not wanting to discuss it - did you avoid certain questions because you didn't really want to know?

It didn't happen 'because you weren't getting on'. I'm sure you weren't getting on because he was having an emotional affair - and it's interesting you call it that, because it sounds like actual cheating to me, he kissed her more than once (and drunk has nothing to do with it, you know that..)

and - you caught him, so Im sure that you are worried about what would have happened if you hadn't.

If he did it because you weren't getting on - what's to stop him doing it again? He needs to answer those questions, and talk very openly about exactly what happened and when - when his feelings for her developed and what decisions he made about that.

also ..I Love 'he had her moved'...like she's a piece of furniture.....he's the older one, he also had a duty of care that he breached.

anyway, I digress - the point is, you know you haven't got to the bottom of it and that's why you can't move on.

unpsychicsally · 10/03/2011 19:46

If my husband snogged or had an emotional affair with a secretary at work because we "weren't getting on" then every time I did or said something that he didn't agree with I would be wondering whether he would be having a snog (drunk or not) with a new secretary. Probably every time I couldn't get hold of him on the phone I would wonder where he was, he has totally broken the trust in your relationship.

It is nothing to do with you not getting on, it is to do with him thinking that it is acceptable behaviour for him to snog another woman, which it is obviously not. If he loves you then really why did he do it? I love my husband and no matter how drunk I may or may not get I would not snog another man.

Original poster

cloudybay24 · 10/03/2011 21:40

We talked about the whys, whens and wheres forever. I am not interested in what might have happened if I hadn't found out because I did, so it didn't.

I know what he did was wrong. He knows what he did was wrong. He is sorry he hurt me, he knows what he risked and people come back from worse. He did wrong, but I didn't come here to get other MNs to give him a roasting.

The thing that's bothering me is why I keep torturing myself. I did try counselling but it was awful. The counsellor was useless - at one session he said I was very pretty and that if he was my DH he wouldn't have risked it!!!

Maybe I need to speak to someone else. Has anyone else got experience of finding peace somehow?

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 21:47

try another counsellor

the one you had sounds like a fannyrat

Original poster

cloudybay24 · 10/03/2011 21:50

It wasn't a great experience, he gave me the creeps.

I just wish I could stop myself "going there". It's not constant, but when it happens it hurts so much.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 21:51

I am sorry, love

it sounds like absolute cliche, but time will dampen the intrusive thoughts

Original poster

cloudybay24 · 10/03/2011 21:52

Peter - when you say you couldn't get past it do you mean you wouldn't be able to if you were me, or that you have been through similar ??

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 21:56

I have been through similar...not in my present marriage though

and I tried to "get past it" ie. tried to fool myself it was ok, and listened to pressure from all sides (including him) that it wasn't so bad and it's "what men do"

it didn't work (although I did a very passing impersonation of a doormat for a while ...)

so, no, I have zero tolerance for all forms of cheating

not everyone does though

WinkyWinkola · 10/03/2011 21:57

I'm not surprised you can't get over it and get these thoughts. Your world was rocked.

I think you need a lot more counselling and possibly some with your h too. This is a massive breach of trust and well, it's affected your core.

I'd report your last counsellor for making inappropriate comments too. Get another one who will really help you work through this.

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 21:58

I didn't have children then either, and I understand it makes decisions so very much harder

but I really believe compromising yourself for your children is wrong

I can't say what I would do if I were you, only you can know that

Original poster

cloudybay24 · 10/03/2011 22:00

@unphysicsally - I do feel like this sometimes - if I try to ring and can't get hold of him the panic can nip away at me. He is usually very careful to keep in touch because he knows.
I'm actually quite pragmatic about the "if this happens again" - it would be totally over and I would make no secret about why. It's more the not knowing about a part of his life, and my mind playing horrible games, when I thought we knew everything about each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

cloudybay24 · 10/03/2011 22:05

@ Peter, I am not compromising myself for my children. Although I do have to admit that I have given thought to how damaging it would be to them for us to split up, and for them to know why - they would hate him.

I want to be with him, he is the love of my life, I had a lot of boyfriends before him (tho we did meet young), I never felt for anyone what I felt for him. That's what makes it worse.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 22:09

I didn't say you were, I think many women do though and thankfully I didn't have to consider that

have you seen any posts by WhenWillIFeelNormal ?

she is brilliant at this...hunt out her contributions to infidelity threads

she will probably turn up on this one very soon, she usually does and you will find her very insightful

spidookly · 10/03/2011 22:21

He doesn't get to decide what it meant - you do.

"It meant nothing" is the most ridiculous thing to say.

So he risked his marriage for "nothing"'?
He caused you all this pain for "nothing"?
It has redefined your relationship, possibly forever, but he thinks he gets to call that "nothing"?

If you can't both come to an understanding of exactly what it meant you'll never get past it.

Right now he's asking you to pretend it never happened and you're (understandably) not able to do that.

Original poster

cloudybay24 · 10/03/2011 22:24

Peter, I am sorry that you've been through this too.

Having DCs made things worse in some ways (I couldn's just pack a bag and take time out) but probably saved a lot of our breakable items - if it had just been the 2 of us, I don't imagine that much would remain of any of our ornaments, photos or plates!!

What's your situation now?

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 22:29

I hate that phrase "it was nothing"

"it was just sex"

"it was just flirting"

just enough to ruin your relationship, actually

if my DH ever cheats, I hope it isn't "nothing", because what would that make me ?

and what would that say about his opinion of women in general

I would rather he cheated with someone he fell in love with, tbqh (if he ever does...I don't rule anything out 100%)

waterrat · 10/03/2011 22:29

cloudy, I certainly didn't mean to harangue you about him. It just sounds as though you are having a hard time - and presumably that's because you aren't over it and need to be given time to come to terms with it. Your counsellor should not have said that - deeply unprofessional and inappropriate. I'd complain.

what about having therapy for yourself? It can be about you and your feelings without having to be a constant discussion about how he feels too.

If you have anxiety about him now then you simply don't trust him yet and time will either heal that - as you begin to see that his behaviour is different - or it will teach you that you never can trust him, but I do think that you just have to accept that the pain will be there while you work that one out.

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 22:30

cb, I am happily married to someone else

Gwink · 10/03/2011 22:32

I've just started a very similar thread. I must admit I have found it helpful to know everthing and he has accepted the fact that I have probed for every detail. Only then did I feel i could think about moving on.

But, I share your feelings about going over it in your mind and I totally understand what you mean about wanting to punish him. When I'm being nice to him, I feel like I am letting him off the hook and I know that's not a good way to move things forward.

I have no answers, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

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