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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

sex is boring

21 replies

LadyCatherine · 22/10/2005 14:32

This is a regular Mumsnetter who has changed her name for reasons that will soon be obvious.

I have only ever had one sexual partner - my dh - and he has only ever had one partner too. We are both hopeless at sex and it is a strictly between the sheets, in the dark activity for us. Sex has never been great between us. Neither of us has much idea what to do and I can't stand talking about it so a sex therpaist would be out. Lately though, it has become worse. Dh always does the same things which, although I like them, I just find so boring now. I find myself longing to experience sex with someone else. I don't want an affair or to leave my dh, but I find myself crying sometimes to think that I will never know what is feels like to be made love to by an expert.

I often cry after orgasm which I have heard is not uncommon among women. I used to cry for longing for my first love with whom I never had sex, but now I find myself crying for the future of inept love-making that stretches before me.

Has anyone else been in my situation and done anything about it? Is anyone now having a fun and exciting love life who previously was in a rut like me?

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Passionkiller · 22/10/2005 15:12

Oh poor you, bump.

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chenin · 22/10/2005 15:28

Hello LadyC. Have tried to send you a CAT but it wouldn't accept it. I very much sympathise with you but don't want to post on here. If you want some advice plse CAT me!

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noddyholder · 22/10/2005 15:42

Tell him he probably feels the same.Talk is a very powerful aphrodisiac

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LadyCatherine · 22/10/2005 19:11

helliebean, I have tried to cat you.

Noddyholder, he knows things are not right but he is grateful for whatever he gets. When he messes up his love play, he says can I do my bit? (ie penetration) He just wants whatever he can get. It seems a long way from real love-making.

I can't talk about what I want. Partly that is because I am not sure what I want (remember I have never done it with anyone else) but mainly because I am very repressed.

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chenin · 22/10/2005 19:22

Hello Lady C. Have not received anything - if you want some help - my private email address is [email protected]

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stitch · 22/10/2005 19:22

dan savage is a great one for advice.
google him, or his column savage love. its great fun.

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MeerkatsUnite · 22/10/2005 19:27

Hi,

You have my sympathies and I think you've been very open in writing about such matters.

I wish you could stand talking about it because both of you talking with a sex therapist or Relate could help you both have a better sex life as a couple. Talk to your DH as well.

I think the fact that you are now repressed as an adult is the root of the problem here. I am wondering why you feel repressed - were you for instance brought up in an environment where you were told by your parents that sex was "dirty", nice girls don't have "sex" or an overtly religious environment where any talk of sex was banned and the whole issue of sex was frowned upon anyway?.

You of course don't have to answer that question re repression but if any of the above apply to you I would urge you to seek some counselling of the sort I mention.

You can have a better sex life with your DH and if you both work at it you will have a more satisfying sex life.

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LadyCatherine · 22/10/2005 19:39

MeerskatUnite, no to any of those things although I was definitely brought up in what I would call a respectable home. Don't know what I mean by that, except that if I had had sex before say 18 I think it would have been frowned on. I feel it is dh's ignorance on the subject that makes me embarrassed. Or maybe just our combination of ignorance...

I just yearn to not have to sy anything to my partner, to just be made love to by someone really skilled at it.

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MeerkatsUnite · 22/10/2005 19:55

(((((((Lady C)))))))

Still think parental attitudes when you were still living at home have a lot to do with why you are feeling as you are now.

I am from a background where sex was not talked about at all, I learnt the "facts of life" in science lessons.

I don't personally think that having a "highly skilled" sexual partner show you the ropes will do you any favours at all and would probably make you feel more inadequate. You need to teach each other and a sex therapist can help in this regard. Being "skilful" is not about just technique; you both need to be able to talk to each other about what you both want. He like your good self probably feels just as embarrassed/anxious about the whole thing as you are.

I am sorry that you cannot bring yourself to talk with a sex therapist as this sort of problem is actually quite common and can be overcome.

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LadyCatherine · 22/10/2005 20:08

MeerskatUnite, sorry to ask such personal questions, but did you go to a counsellor yourself or are you one? I just could not talk in RL to anyone about this, but I was wondering about buying a sex manual for dh and I to read and get ideas from. It just seems so mechanical like that!

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doormat · 22/10/2005 20:19

agree with meerskat that sex has to be learnt
a game of trial and error

ladyc have u tried to go to a sex shop like ann summers etc to give you both a bit of a selection of sex aids
i bought some lovely underwear and lemon lick to gkve us a boost once and that did the trick

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LadyCatherine · 22/10/2005 20:23

Sex aids?

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doormat · 22/10/2005 20:25

ladyc i dont mean like jiggers etc or butt plug stuff but mild fun like dressing up, choc body paint etc

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beansprout · 22/10/2005 20:26

LC - this sounds like a difficult area for you. I think sex is very much about confidence. It is not really up to one person or the other to give their partner a good time. I don't think it really works like that.

If you are too embarassed to go into a shop (and fair enough, I would be), why don't you see what could be ordered over the net? Also, you really need to talk to your dh so it is something you can explore together. As long as you feel close and it is something you both want to do, you won't go far wrong.

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MeerkatsUnite · 22/10/2005 20:29

In answer to your question its neither but my own situation re sex was not entirely dissimilar to yours in some aspects.

In my case DH and I talked to each other and just took things very gently and gradually.

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LadyCatherine · 22/10/2005 20:43

Didn't you find it ruined the moment when you had to say to dh "do this to me" or "I like this"? I just find having to express the things I like is a complete turn off.

Also, and don't push for more info here, I think our sexual fantasies are not compatible. I suppose we could take it in turns to pretend for each other, but I would love to find a man who shared my fantasies.

Am I expecting too much do you think? It is just that, when you have only had one sexual partner, you can't help wondering what other people are like.

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mum2sam · 23/10/2005 00:00

How is your relationship with your husband aside from your sex life? Has that become boring too? Apart from your sex life are you repressed in other areas too that may need working on?

There are loads of things you could do to spice up your sex life. But first of all you need to know what turns you on and explore your own body.You also need to boost your confidence so you can let your dh know exactly what you what in the bedroom. I normally find wearing sexy underwear makes me feel more confident and assertive which turns my dh on more. Men often like to be told what to do in the bedroom. If you are embarressed to tell him you can often direct him by placing his hand in the right places and definitly let him know when he is doing something good either by moaning or even saying how much you like it.But never fake it you can exaggerate it if its good but if its doing nothing for you try to move him on.

Another thing dh and I did to try and fulfil each other fantasies was to each write them down on small pieces of paper and put them in a hat one for me and one for him(iykwim). We would then take turns in drawing out each others fantansies from the hat as long as we were both cool with it.If you pick out one that you do not feel comfortable carrying out you can just pick another you do not have to tell your partner what the first one was.Once they are all gone you and your partner will then know which fantasies you both share and which you feel uncomfortable with as obviously they wont of been carried out. You then dont have to feel the embarressment and rejection.

Once you have mastered that and are both more confident in the bedroom you could then move on to roleplay.

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mum2sam · 23/10/2005 00:05

Another thing I have had three lovers before my dh but I have learnt more with dh then I have ever had with them mainly because I have been with him the longest.You just need to put the spark nd excitement back into your relationship. Have sex outside of the bedroom or in a public place?

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cinderelly · 23/10/2005 00:12

no offence, but at least u have an orgasm. If u find it embarrassing to talk about, why not just take the lead and just do what you feel lkie doing. I have no doubt he will appreicate this.

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QueenVictoria · 23/10/2005 00:16

Lady C, if you feel embarrased to talk about it and it turns you off saying it during maybe you could write a note and leave it somewhere he will find it explaining what you would like him to try? And perhaps asking him to write down something he would like you to try?

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butteredtoast · 23/10/2005 00:30

LadyCatherine - I too was in this predicament but found that showing my dh what I like has really helped.It was embarrassing to begin but now our love life is so much better. Do you have a vibrator which you could use in front of him?

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