Should I confront him?

[namechangedshouldI30]

About 7 months ago, I caught DH using internet porn. He had been chatting and swapping photos with other women, downloading images, etc. I was totally hurt and humiliated, as our sex life was dismal, and I had found out why. I told him I wanted him to stop and if he didn't I would leave him, as I regarded it as cheating. He agreed to this, said he thought he was addicted as he knew it was wrong and did it anyway, and voluntarily cut off all his internet access.

Over the last 3 months, he has got his internet access back by assuring me he can be trusted- we are also expecting DC3 in 2 weeks which was a surprise but I thought had cemented our relationship further.

As you might guess, I have found out he is back to using porn again, also looking into it further I think he had been doing so since 2006. I do not think he is going to give it up, considering how long he has been doing this for. I am also worried it might progress into an affair as I'm obviously not enough for him.

The trouble is I don't want to split up- I will have 3 DC under 4, haven't worked in nearly 4 years, and can't bear to tell our DC they won't see their dad every day anymore. Apart from this issue we seem perfectly happy, and if I had never found out I would be totally happy with our relationship.

I am thinking of confronting him, but don't know where it will go. I don't want to end things, I don't think he will stop even if he promises to, he might just hide it better. I have thought of just letting it go and ignoring it, but I feel increasingly resentful and don't think I can bear to have sex with him when I think about what he has been doing.

Does anyone else have any advice for me? I have to post and dash as need to get DS from nursery, but I would really appreciate any other view- obviously I am too ashamed to talk to anyone in RL about this.

How horrible for you :(

Clearly he has no respect for you if he is carrying on this behaviour even though he knows how much it hurts you.

I just cannot understand all these men that think contacting other women is acceptable when they are in a relationship.

I dont know what to advise really, because I can understand how much you dont want to split your family up, but on the other hand, surely you want to be with someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve? And this man certainly doesnt deserve any respect from you either.

You have got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of either, this is NOT your fault. Please dont be scared to confide in a RL friend, because I have a feeling you may need their support in time to come, as this relationship is not going to last when one half of it has so little regard for the other.

Looking at porn is one thing, (and I know that some people will find ALL porn unacceptable)but actually making contact with other women, chatting, and swapping photos is a different and more intimate level which goes across the line of what is fidelity within a relationship.

I understand also when you say "if you had never found out", but unfortunately you have, and you cant go back now and erase that knowledge, so you have to work on what you need to do next.

He isnt a child who can be restricted from using the internet, he is an adult who should behave better. You are not his mother, you are his wife. And quite frankly, with 3 young children, your sex life hasnt been non existent, and no wonder you are bloody tired too! He is the one in the wrong here, not you.

Utterly agree with you squeaky.

Well it doesn't surprise me that him using porn has had a deleterious effect on your sex life, but I certainly wouldn't think that this was in any way due to your own shortcomings, because this is about his shortcomings, not yours.

This isn't just about porn addiction though is it? It's about being married to someone who prefers porn to an intimate relationship, unilaterally destroying your sex life in the process. Someone who rather than defend his choices and give you back yours, has continued to lie and deceive about his activity. This covert activity means that your choices were taken away.

You seem to be asking for permission to turn a blind eye, because you don't want to leave?

Why do you see your choices as being so narrow? What's stopping you making some conditions that your H stops using porn and gets professional help for what sounds like an addiction? Or some therapy to confront the deceit and lies in your relationship?

If you do nothing, you will still be married to a man who deceives you, takes away your sex life and expects you to put up with it. That's the choice you will be making. And as you correctly predict, this is likely to get worse, not better.

His interests have already become more extreme and therapists are reporting links between extreme porn use and later infidelity, presumably because lying, deceit and objectifying women for sexual pleasure has become normalised for addicts, who are now looking for a stronger "hit" and a woman to act out the porn that has been consumed. There are plenty of idiots who will do just that, too.

Showdowns and promises of changed behaviour haven't worked in the past, so you need to change the script. You can only change your own behaviour and effect your own choices in life.

Thank you everyone for replying so quickly, you don't know what it means to me to be able to talk about this.

Whenwill he promised to get therapy when I confronted him before, he did not visit a therapist but joined an online support group for those with this addiction. He left fairly soon so I have to conclude this was a token gesture. I might tell him the only condition our relationship continues is if he/we see a proper therapist until we are both satisfied we have addressed the problems in our relationship.

Squeaky you are right, i can't unlearn this. I wish I could because my life is hard enough right now, but every time he says he loves me or hugs me I want to hit him and call him a liar. I can't just ignore this. Talking to any RL friends is difficult because they all know him, and regardless of the fact that this is not my fault I would be mortified to know our friends knew about this.

I think I have to say something.

Please dont be mortified. Trust in at least one of your friends to confide in. You shouldnt have to struggle through this alone. Just by reading the many threads on these boards it is clearly not an uncommon problem, and likely to be on the increase too with the easy availablity on the internet.

A good friend who can be trusted is a valuable shoulder to cry on. Equally, if both you and your husband are close friends with another couple, it may even help to have the husband of that partnership on board in trying to talk some sense into your husband. Sometimes it can take another man to make the bloke see that what he is doing is wrong and not "every bloke does this". And so what if he feels ashamed of people knowing, damn right he should feel ashamed. You have given him chances already, he has chosen to ignore that. Now its time to get serious and really make him realise that he is about to lost his family if he doesnt sort himself out.

Yes but he might not take you seriously. He hasn't before, after all. I have also lost count now of the amount of men who do these things when their partner is pregnant, precisely because she is vulnerable and they think she will never leave.

Stopping an addiction on its own never addresses the root cause of the behaviour. Which is why I was saying that this isn't just about porn addiction. It's about disrespect, exploiting you when you're vulnerable, secrets, lying, not to mention how he regards and values women generally.

I bet you'll find people in RL who are putting up with exactly the same and will offer you platitudes along the lines of "men will be men" and "what's a bit of porn?" so talking to people in RL, who are making their own bargains, might not be advisable.

I also wouldn't go for general therapy and suggest that he has some solo therapy with COSRT. This organisation can also help you separately and together.

He has been doing this since you were trying for your first child

I don't understand the difference between chatting and swapping photos with naked women and an affair. He has been intimate with all these women, whilst his wife was carrying his three children.

Am just stunned. So sorry. When you say he had no internet access, and then got it back, was the relationship improved when he wasn't online?

It's interesting that you say 'our relationship apart from this is happy', And then admit that whenever he kisses you you want to hit him for lying.

You can't go forward and be happy while pretending to yourself that this is okay. If you want this to work then you need to be honest about your own feelings - there really is no point struggling to accept something that actually angers you. It will only eat you up.

Probably part of you would like to pretend you don't mind - as that would be easier than confrontation/ inevitable arguments/ possibly you having to lay down boundaries for his behaviour that you are worried he would not be able to keep to.

Unfortunately you do need to bring it up - if you want to make it work - then it is vital that you have boundaries for what you believe is acceptable beheaviour - otherwise therapy/ talking won't really work. Although it's also true that the therapy will help you discover what your real lines in the sand are.

approach it calmly, tell him that you are willing to make this work but he has to be honest and commit to discussion. Perhaps there is room for some use of porn - that's up to you to negotiate. But if there isn't then be strong and state what you believe.

remember - this man is jeapordising his relationship with you for this. And he knows that. that's why he is lying. Lying for what? for cheap thrills with strangers. Dont bury this - get it out in the open and talk.

Dammit, that's why I couldn't find my post on that other thread, I put it on this thread by mistake. My apologies.

Yes but that other thread reads like the "What Happened Next" to this one, doesn't it Annie therefore I can see why you mis-posted.

Perhaps the OPs should compare notes via PMs?

Update- I talked to DH last night. I asked if he had anything he wanted to tell me, and he immediately confessed to what he had been doing.
I asked him why given that I had told him it was a dealbreaker for our relationship. He said that when he was young (he had a traumatic childhood as a child carer), he had dealt with problems and bullying by creating a different persona unaffected by his problems. He said that even though he is happy, the feeling of not wanting to be himself had persisted, as he still thought of himself as worthless. He could be a different person online and this is what tempted him. He then didn't tell me because he was scared I would leave him (I didn't have an issue with the porn so much as the dishonesty and unfaithfulness).
He has offered to go to counselling, without my asking, but he wants me to go with him which I'm not sure about in practical terms given DC3 is due so soon. He also offered to move out if I wanted, but said that he really didn't want to go and would do anything if I allowed him to stay with me and the children.
I feel much better for having talked to him- I'm still hurt, angry, and insecure, but I hope if we go to counselling we can address this as well as DH's problems with honesty. I feel that even if we get help and split up anyway I have at least tried to fix things.

I feel so sorry for the other OP's in a similar situation to mine. I hope anyone else who has this problem can work it out with their DH. I hope he and I can work it out too. But I am very, very, glad that I talked to him and he talked to me.

Thank you to everyone who posted on this thread, not having anyone to talk to about this was torturing me, and Whenwill thank you so much for the COSRT link, I will use it to find a suitable counsellor.

Sorry for the essay!