DH's Betrayal

[saffydude]

I won't go into huge amounts of detail as I don't want to bore you all, but would appreciate a little bit of advice on how we/I can move forward.

I found out almost 3 months ago that my husband of almost 10 years has been (in a sequence it seems) looking at porn > chatting to women > masturbating to 3 of these women whilst working away from home. One of these women he had quite a 'friendly' relationship with - he told her (and everyone else) he was single yet he knew she had 2 children and an ex husband, so she was quite surprised when I logged into his secret email account I had found that day and we started chatting. Initially she told me he had only done this once for her which was not reciprocated, (and he said the same without me telling him what she'd said) but in a subsequent conversation a few days later she told me that they had talked about meeting up and starting a relationship. She then changed her story to they masturbated to each other more than once because "it was the only way they could have sex".

Whilst chatting to her, another woman popped up on chat to say Hi - turns out while working down south during the week (this was the case for a year) he 'went out for a walk' with this woman and her dog - on the day of meeting her on chat - and they ended up kissing.

He says he did not feel attracted to her in the slightest, went into it completely innocently and wasn't expecting anything to happen, and after a few minutes realised that what he was doing was so very wrong, literally made his excuses and ran. He said that was his wake up call and the point he realised that he has everything he has ever wanted in me and our 2 DCs.He says it was the point that 'all of this' stopped. He also said a great weight has been lifted now it is all out in the open.

Talking about it recently, I discovered the porn usage started when our DS (now 4 and a half) was about 8 months old. I caught him 'at it' late one night infront of the computer and he couldn't explain what he was doing, only that he was drunk and didn't realise he was having a fumble. I don't really have an issue with the porn and was actually quite disappointed that he didn't want to include me in something that may enhance our love life.

TBH I realised there were holes in our relationship but like I've seen on other posts on here, I was putting our DCs first - what mother wouldn't? He said recently he thought that "I had my little project" (with the kids) and didn't really need him around. How WRONG. All I've ever wanted is his love and support in raising our kids together - for so many years I have felt like a single Mum.

We did however have quite a good sex life even though it was sporradic. We'd go a couple of months without touching one another and then not be able to keep our hands off one another. I realise now that I would go through periods of not wanting him near me because he became so detached as a husband and a father when my daughter was younger (about 2 years ago - when the chatting/camming was at its height). Since the night I caught him 'having a fumble' I subconciously stopped trusting him and I think began to switch myself off from him.

Anyway - although I have gotten to the point more than once where I have felt I would get past all of this quicker if my children and I left him, I want my marriage to work and he says the same. When I first found out I loaded the car up with as much stuff as I could fit in and the kids and I set off down south to my family. But he passed me coming home from work early to try and sort it out and after avoiding his calls for 20 minutes or so he persuaded me to come home and talk.

I have gone through what WWIFN has described on another post as 'hysterical bonding' - and trying to perform as the wife I think he wants - even though it really hasn't been me. When I first found out we went through a period of kissing and cuddling all the time and being quite intimate.

Now however, I seem to have hit a brick wall. For the past few weeks I haven't wanted him to touch me - I'm not repulsed by him but I feel like I need to keep my defences up for 'when he does it again' and gives me the excuse to leave. Actually deep down all I want is him to hold me and tell me we'll make it through. I feel so confused, sad and miserable that this is where we have got to with what was once a great relatipnship.

He swears he is never going to do anything like this again but I think right now both of us are struggling to know how to move on. Discussions (he seems to think I should have moved on further than I have) degenerate into rows or digs and everything comes back to how much he has hurt me.

The past 24 hours have been 'okay' with us even kissing last night and falling asleep in each others arms but I wonder how long until the next fight.

I feel like a bit of a phony because there are women on here posting who have survived a 'proper affair' but I can't help feeling so very betrayed and cheated. I believe him when he says he has never slept with anyone else in our 11 year relationship which tbh I think is the only reason why me and my 2 DCs are still here. God knows how I would feel if I was trying to get through 'that' as well, and I take my hat off to those who have done it.

Any constructive thoughts about how we/I can get past this would be appreciated. Thanks so much for your time and oh it looks like I did go into detail and have probably bored you! (Sorry...) xxx

First off he is manipulating you. He knows that you're terrified of the marriage ending so he is pulling your strings. You need to call his bluff and stand your ground, its quite obvious he feels he's the superior one in your relationship, call his bluff and watch him backpeddle. Also I'm sorry to say, but you are an absolute fool if you believe he hasn't had sex with anyone else over the past four years. :(

You're probably right, loopy.

When all this came out in Dec he bent over backwards to do everything he could to make me want to stay and try and work it out, and for a while I called the shots on everything. We're rapidly getting back to things apparently being in my head and me being paranoid. So I think he's getting back to feeling superior (isn't she a sucker, sticking around, I've got away with it tee hee) and is beginning to start treating me like shit again.

I'm thinking I'm going to tell him to move out tonight and see what reaction I get from that. I think he's been presumptious that if we split up I will move out and run to mummy.

I can't think about him having sex with anyone else just yet. It just knocks me sideways.

Oh saffy this sounds awful. Im really sorry for you - but seriously, this relationship sounds very very damaging to you - and clearly there is far more wrong than 'just a bit of porn'. He clearly believes he should be able to do what he likes - total lack of repentance.

you are not a fool (not helpful comment poster!) - why should you go through life assuming he is cheating...you have done nothing wrong. But you need to end this cycle now. Please get away - plan carefully and get him out of your life.

You can do it - it sounds as though you have good support in real life, maybe move back nearer to that support - it sounds like you need to get away from him. At the beginning of this post you were talking about how to fix things - when obviously there is a huge amount going wrong - so you need to really keep your head clear on this.

This 'getting back' to the way things were, he is treating you with such a couldn't care less attitude because, while you bought his excuses he was relieved, but he also lost respect for you. Now you are standing up to him, and stating your needs, he will be angry, scared but oddly, respect you for it.

I would tell him to go, you need time to think, and he needs to think on about the full story.

I'm now on rightmove looking at 2 bed apartments for me and my DCs local to my DS's school... and finding the prospect of freedom quite exciting.

I'm struggling to know which way to go to give me some space. If he moves out (and he'll either have to move 5 minutes up the road and explain to his parents - who already know some of it from me as we're closer than he is with them - why I've chucked him out) or he'll have to rent somewhere near his work which is 50 miles away.

The other alternative is that I find somewhere around here at least for the time being to work out what I really want (ie. maybe it'd give me time and space to figure out if a move down south is right and get things in place over the summer hols?) and he pays for it. The very least he could do. BUT I think if I sign a lease for somewhere else it is very final and we would never get back together. We currently rent, so there would be no marital/family home to come back to.

In Oct we'd got to the point where I was so unhappy and sick of him treating me like crap that I was ready to leave him. This wasn't an overnight thing, I had thought about it for a looooong time but only in October when I started to stand up for myself did I realise I didn't want what we had any more.

The only reason (and he knows this) I stayed was if he radically changed the way he behaved. He says that all of the women thing (and having hacked into his womanising email accounts that were already inactive for more than 3 months this stacks up)ended in August when he kissed that other woman and he decided he really did want me and our DCs. Since August he's been a better Dad and husband and on a day to day level I've felt more equal in our marriage. Does that mean we have something worth fighting for?

I realise it means you'll probably all call me crazy for even thinking there's any hope in us working through this, but can you see any way that we can? Because I'm now beginning to feel like (and I realise your intentions are all for my welfare, and I thank you for the time you're taking in posting and the care you've shown me, so please don't take this the wrong way) perhaps I'm being talked out of my marriage by people I don't even know.

I'm sooooo confused! x

No one wants you to leave your marriage if that's not what you want. It makes no difference to us. It's him who would be responsible if you left. He is not exactly putting up a fight, is he? He could open up and tell you what exactly went on, and why, but doesn't.

I still think he needs to go somewhere, if nothing else it is less uprooting and less permanent for you if you should decide the marriage can be worked at.

Don't panic, you don't need to do anything right away, but there is no harm in getting some legal advice for peace of mind.

Of course you shouldn't end it because of some randoms on the internet - but that isn't why you are thinking of leaving him. He isn't showing you any respect - and he isn't being honest with you.

You do have to consider that he may still be lying about the extent of his betrayal - after all, you caught him out didn't you? He didn't admit any of it - and is refusing - completely refusing - to be honest with you.

Why do you think he is refusing to tell you? Because he knows how angry you will be. And his strategy is actually working isn't it. You are wavering.

It would be less disrespectufl if he bothered to come up with a lie! He is just openly saying he isn't going to tell you. And he isn't even remorseful about kissing another woman - you pointed out yourself that he would have gone ahead but didn't fancy her.

look - this is not abuot this thread, it's about long term disrespect, lies and unhappiness. Please don't live your life putting up with his crap offer of a relationship, completely on his terms.

Either move out or get him out. If you want it to work then he needs to put the effort in and you need to make it clear what you want.

He sounds awful - please dont start saying that any of us have got anything to do with your own feelings that this isn't good enough.

don't use what we have said on this thread to start second-guessing yourself

have you been reading the threads about the "posse of man-hating harpies trying to split up everyone's marriage" by any chance ?

love..this isn't a minor thing

this isn't "AIBU to kick my husband out because he didn't empty the dishwasher"

you knew your relationship is fucked before this thread

I know.

I think I am in such a state of confusion right now and deep down I also know that pretty much what every single one of you have said is what I am feeling, but trying to ignore.

I think it comes down to the fact that I have been forced into the situation by him of having to make the decision whether we split up or we stay together through no fault of my own - and I HATE that feeling.

PeterA, I haven't read the other thread nor do I want to, because what I am hearing advice wise from you all is sensible, honest, caring and an echo of the little voice in my head telling me to get the fuck out.

I just don't think I'm ready to face up to that reality just yet. x

He is forcing you to make the decision because he is an emotional abuser and wants to make you suffer and if you give in, he can blame you.

Typical emotional abuse. The thing is, he will never end it as an abuser needs someone to abuse. You have to end it as he is not capable. He'll go all angry then go all apologetic and when he finally realises you have left he will find someone else to abuse.

it's your life, saffy x

It seems though saffy that these feelings of yours as you said in your original post, came up because you tried to bury your anger and hurt, but it didn't work. So if you try to do it again, the same will happen.

He went to meet someone for sex and he doesn't want to have to discuss it with you. He doesn't think he should have to - because usually you just accept his lies.

So you need to really be honest with yourself about how you feel. It will keep resurfacing because you know it isn't good enough. YOu might wish you could hide it all away and not mind, because life would be easier, but life won't be easier.

Would you want your child staying in a relationship like this one day? It's harsh to say it, but remember your children will learn from watching you. And if you are not treated well, they will know.

They do know. My 2.5 year old asks me if daddy has made me sad again. I have tried desperately hard over the years not to let them see me upset. H reprimands our DS when he back answers and gives me lip but when I've pointed out that his father is his role model he is completely taken aback by it.

What do you know about narcissists? it all stacks up to me.

you see saffy - listen to yourself. 'over the years'. You have been putting up with his shit for too long. You have been accepting being unhappy as a normal state of affairs for too long.

It sounds as though your confidence has been ground down and he is an emotional abuser, trying to fuck with your head by lying to you. You also mentioned name calling.

Please protect yourself and your children and get some space, get some counselling for yourself and begin to build a happy life that you deserve. Your children will grow up learning how to have relationships from you - they need to see you be happy. that can't happen right away, but it will happen in the future if you stop settling for second best.

saffy, I feel so sad for you

listen to WR, she is very wise