How/when do I tell my mum?

[TeacupTempest]

This is a tricky one for me. I have always know I was adopted and through most of my life I thought I was pretty unaffected by it. In more recent years it has become obvious that it has been something that has shaped who I am.

My mum went on to have biological children after adopting me and I believe she treated them very differently to me and to some extent I now believe that, certainly as babies, she loved them more/differently to me.

Mum and I have just been through a rough patch which coincided with my wedding, which she pretty much ruined for me. I am trying to get through this but am finding it very difficult to be with her at the moment and whenever I see her I just feel such sadness at the thought of my childhood and also my wedding day. I am also deeply saddened that our relationship is suffering.

Tricky enough already. Here's the extra spanner. I have been trying to trace my birth mother on and off for a while. Things got more official a few months ago and I have just found out that a blood relative has successfully been traced and my social worker will be sending her a first contact letter.

How do I tell my mum. Do I tell her before contact has been made? It may turn out to be a dead end. DH suggested waiting til after contact but I think my mum would be even more hurt by this......

Don't know what to do. Feel a bit sick!

That sounds like an awful situation to be in, I tend to agree with your DH, it's best to wait until just before contact to see if it leads anywhere first , it may be a dead end and you would have upset your adoptive mum for nothing, wait until you are sure that they have found the right person and that she is happy to make contact with you and then tell your adoptive mum just before you actually make contact with her then you won't feel like you have contacted your birth mother behind her back, that's what I would do anyway.
So pleased for you though that you may make contact with your birth mother, hope all works out well for you.

What Gomesmum said.

I was just about to log off, so may have to do a brief post and run but will definately come back to this thread later.

I am adopted myself and although havent ever manged to trace my birth mother it has always been on my mind. But I was the only one, and my parents didnt have children other than me.

Does your mum know that you have been trying to trace your birth mother?

My godmother also adopted a child, after being told that there would be no chance of her having her own. Then went on to have two more biological children after this. Sadly it resulted in a situation very very similar to yours and her daughter had many behavioural problems in her teens. This led to them becoming estranged for a long time, and although the daughter now has a child of her own who is in his teens and my godmother is certainly grandma to and she has custody of, she has virtually no relationship with her daughter. But the whole family is very volatile and always has been.

My opinion would be the same as your DH. See what happens with your birth mother and then decide what the next step will be.

Agree.

Hope you find a connection with your birth mum.

Squeaky - the people you are talking about - are they in the UK? I was going to post the same thing, but the people I know are O/S.

I'm really sorry you are having/have had such a difficult relationship with your Mum.

I think you should wait until you have confirmation that this person is your birth mother and that she wants to see you. I don't think there is really anything 'to tell' before that and it will just further damage your relationship with your Mum for no good reason.

What are you doing/can you do/do you want to do about your relationship with your Mum? It's not easy - even when it's your birth mother, siblings aren't always treat the same. It's often a hard relationship - blood or not x

Yes, they are in the UK. As far as I know......they were up until 3 years ago anyway. I didnt have a lot of contact with my godmother in recent years, and only got regular updates from my mum who did speak to her regularly. Mum died 3 years ago and I havent seen godmother since the funeral, at which point she pissed me off completely as she was eyeing up the contents of my mothers house. She actually offered to sell the stuff for me. .

Thanks for the quick replies and advice.

squeakytoy My mum doesn't know that I have been trying to trace. I mentioned a few years ago that I had been thinking about it during a phone call. She burst into tears and hung up. Then rang back after a few minutes to apologise and basically said I should do what I had to do. I felt so guilty for hurting her then and I think that is what stopped me progressing with it for a while.

As for my childhood my mum had almost adopted another baby before me. She had him for nearly 6 weeks before they were told his biological mum wanted him back. I now believe my mum was still grieving for this little boy when she got me and that as a result she didn't bond with me very well early on. The social worker's notes at the time say how on visits my mum was constantly talking about the baby boy she wanted next and how she didn't interact with me much. I guess partly she wanted to replace the little boy she had lost and partly she was scared to bond with me in case the same happened again. I understand it must have been dreadful for her. From the notes I now have it was this behaviour that made the social worker decide against supporting them for another adoption. She was worried about how having additional children would effect me. She was right!!

I know she loves me, its just looking back its quite obviously different from the way she was with my brothers. She was hyper critical of me.

Sorry going off on a bit of an emotional tangent there. Feeling a bit all over the place and spun out today!

Mulling over the possibility of having the conversation with my mum and dad tomorrow. Really not sure about the fall out.......

Feels a bit like I am stood on the edge of a cliff and about to jump off.

Oh TeacupTempest, what a difficult choice. I personally would wait. A friend of mine was in a similar position and decided to wait. First meeting with blood mother was great, next, not so great. Friend really tried but quickly realised her bloodmother was not particularly interested in her and incredibly selfish. Just as she was about to tell her mum, mum took ill and died very suddenly. It was awful, she was in such turmoil but now thanks her god that she didn't tell her.

Obviously I hope that is not the case for anyone else, but I would say it can't hurt to establish where you are with the meetings before you tell your mum. You won't really have much to tell her for a while anyway.

Do you want to talk about your wedding and what went wrong?

teacup you're in a really difficult situation and I do feel for you. I think you need to think about what is best for YOU, not your Mum. What is the best way to go at this stage, from your perspective? Is it to wait until later in the process to tell your Mum and Dad? Or is it to tell your Mum and Dad tomorrow? Try and work out which option suits you best, i.e. makes you feel most relaxed, calm, comfortable and go with that. Because this is YOUR issue, not your Mum's, but yours. She is the adoptive Mum and has issues around that that are all hers, but you as the adopted child/adult have these issues and I think they are best handled by putting yourself first in the equation.

I am adopted as well so understand some of what you're going through. I found my birth mother and found it very upsetting indeed. One of the worst things was imagining telling my Mum, so I told her afterwards, when I was ready. (I had the support of my social worker for this or I might not have been brave enough to wait, but my social worker told me basically what is in my first paragraph in this post!) Although my Mum was upset when I finally told her about the meeting, I wasn't upset by then, so I was strong enough to take/deal with her upset IYSWIM.

Your relationship with your Mum sounds under strain right now. Yes, a delay in telling your Mum about contact might produce a worse emotional reaction in your Mum, but that is for her to control.

I think you need to get your DH to support you as much as possible and focus on the YOU in all this. This is your birth mother after all - or may well be, part of your story.

Your life has been in other people's hands through no fault of your own.

You didn't choose to be abandoned.
You didn't choose who adopted you.
You didn't choose the new siblings and your feelings of displacement as a result of them.

You are now doing something which might bring some kind of resolution. It might not of course, but at least this is YOUR decision.

You do not owe anyone anything. They all had a say in what happened (apart from your siblings who came along albeit biologically) so now you should have your say.

Deep down you must have an idea what YOU want to do so shed the guilt and make it happen.

Good luck with the contact, hope it works out appropriately and that it brings you some peace and sense of resolution.

Teacup - I understand you feel you want to be honest with them, but really... do they need to know until you have worked out where this is going? Why further complicate an already difficult relationship with them over something that may come to nothing?

Of course this is your decision and you must do what is right for you - I'm just unsure why you are contemplating telling them at the moment??

Squeaky :(

< squeakytoy > your mum clearly did a great job of raising you, I love reading your posts, so insightful and down to earth.

Thanks so much for all the replies.

perfumedlife I guess that is my fear. That I will upset my mum for nothing if it all ends badly. I know it will hurt her and the idea of putting her through that for nothing makes me feel sick. Having said that I wonder if part of me does what her to feel upset. God that sounds awful. I don't know how to explain myself. I think I want her to know how I felt growing up, how her behaviour towards me was often hideous and how her actions on my wedding day were out of order. I sort of want her to see the social workers report I have too as it confirms for the fist time that her behaviour was less than perfect.

The wedding was bizarre, I think she resented letting go of control and letting me do my own thing. She was very critical, rude to me and my guests and badmouthed me to my husband on the day. She was more bothered about the after party she arranged for the next day, which we told her we didn't want. She is very image conscious and I think she felt embarrassed by our slightly non traditional wedding.

I wish I had sorted our these issues (wedding and childhood) separately as I am now worried they are all going to resurface in one hideous emotional heap when we eventually do have the conversation about tracing my family.

loves2cycle The advice in your first paragraph really does ring true and I maybe need to think more about what I want. The emotions this is bringing up are quite unexpected. Did you find the whole process upsetting or was the outcome of tracing your birth mother upsetting? Did it change your relationship with your mum?

brass thanks for the kind words. I think guilt is the problem. Its a hard emotion to get over, especially when I seem to feel guilty with every move.

Oh and DH will be supportive no matter what I decide. He's a good one

ChippingInMistressSteamMop because I feel I owe it to them to be honest. I feel a bit like I am betraying them if I don't tell them. At some point I will have to tell them and I think the later I leave it the more hurt my mum will be. We are also moving out of the area soon so want to do it face to face.

The difficulty in our relationship is from my side not from hers. She seems to think everything is ok!

I guess I am wanting to do this soon as contact seems like such a tangible thing in next few weeks. I want to give her time to prepare.

Thanks Perfumed, that made me smile :)

Teacup, I think part of this is wanting to punish your mum, for failing you when you were a baby.

I think I want her to know how I felt growing up, how her behaviour towards me was often hideous and how her actions on my wedding day were out of order. I sort of want her to see the social workers report I have too as it confirms for the fist time that her behaviour was less than perfect

But many biological mums have problems too bonding with their babies, PND, and other issues. Very few mum are perfect, and your mum was probably under a lot more scrutiny than most, and felt it too. I wouldnt be too harsh on her for that perhaps.

The wedding sounds stressful. I too had a mother who was at times obsessed in a sort of "Hyacinth Bucket syndrome" way of what everyone would think..it took some taming, but I reigned her in eventually .

I would honestly say, have a long and open talk with your mum, tell her how hurt you feel, tell her of the anxieties you have and how you feel they go back a long way. She may be completely oblivious, she may have relief that you are confiding in her. She may have spent years wondering that you felt rejected because your siblings are her biological children and you are not, but been too scared of the answer to broach the subject.

Maybe use that conversation as an opener towards how she would react to you having contact with your biological mother, but stress to her that she will always be your MUM, and nobody can take that place from her.

I would honestly hold back from telling her how far you have got with contact so far, until you can gauge her reaction. It would be awful to open up a rift that will take years to heal, especially if the contact is not something you want to pursue as well.

squeakytoy That makes a lot of sense. I think maybe there is some truth in the punishment thing. Its not a clean cut as it could be. I know lots of biological mums struggle to bond. I appreciate it must have been a terrible experience for her but I still feel she should acknowledge that the emotional and physical abuse she inflicted was not ideal. She does appear to be oblivious about it all. My DH told them on the night after the wedding that I felt neglected as a child and they both came straight round to tell me how much they loved me whilst denying they had every treated me differently. It is also not just a childhood thing. She has never really changed. She found our I had anorexia a couple of years ago and she told me off for being stupid and has not really mentioned it much since.....

Its all a bit of a mess. But its my mess. I just want to put all the different issues in separate boxes and deal with them one at a time.

I have mentioned it in the past, as something I have thought about. She got very upset but them told me I should do whatever I needed to. I dont know I guess I just feel under pressure to get it all out in the open and sorted.

Thanks for all the advice. I think I need to have a really good think about it all.

Its not YOUR mess, because it is all down to circumstances that were out of your control. It is up to YOU how to tackle it though, because now you are in control.

I know one of my mums biggest fears was always that I would trace my bio-mum and then not want her. I am sure that is what all adopted mums fear the most too. Some mums also have a head in the sand attitude and her reaction to your anorexia was probably due to shock, her own inexperience, and inability to know how to deal with it. She was in the wrong for it, but it probably wasnt intentionally dismissive.

The fact that they came round to see you, after hearing that you felt neglected shows that they do care, and I honestly believe that they probably didnt think they were treating you any differently. Please dont think I am for one moment saying that you didnt feel that way. I do understand what you are saying. There were many times when growing up that I had those feelings, and I didnt have siblings to make comparisons against either!.

Even now in my early 40's I often have questions that I would love to ask my mum, and wish I had discussed my adoption more with her, and I have no other family who would be able to answer those questions. But thats life and I know I cant do anything about it now. I still dither about actively seeking out my bio-mother. The internet has made finding things a lot easier, and I do know I have two older half brothers, but that has just complicated matters, as I now know that she also abandoned them when they were very young, to run off with my bio-father :( . So again, be careful of the can of worms that research and contact can open..

My honest answer to my mum was, the reason I wanted to find my bio-mum, if I ever did it, would be to see what she looked like, as apparently I was the spitting image of her (my parents did meet both my bio parents during the adoption procedures), and to know if there are any genetic illnesses I should be aware of. I reassured my mum that there was no way that I was looking to replace her and she would always be my mum.

Yes I think this whole tracing thing is in danger of getting too tangled with my relationship with my mum ifswim. I certainly have issues with my mum, and I think I do need to deal with those but they are also separate from wanting to trace my biological mum. I DO NOT want to replace her AT ALL. I really hope I can get that across to her. She is and always will be my mum. I am fearful of it all getting messed up together I think. I wish I had sorted out my issues with her before dumping all this on top of it.

I really appreciate you sharing you thoughts and experiences with me. Its often hard to see any way out and what is best to do when you are stuck in the middle of it all.

I think that many of the issues you have with your mum, you would have with her regardless of your adoption. She would still be the same person if she was your bio-mum. So I think it might help to try and see it that way, rather than perhaps blame her bad points being because you are her adopted child.

Dont try to deal with it all at once either. Make a list maybe, and work through it, one thing at a time. Too much going on is going to cloud issues and possibly end up with nothing getting properly sorted out. I would suggest tackling your mum first, and once that is on more steady ground, then move onto your bio-mum. Your mum is the one who has always been in your life, and always will be, and you dont know enough about the bio-mum yet to know if she will become a part of your life or not. That would be my advice anyway. :)

Thanks squeakytoy

Hi teacup you sound like you're doing a lot of thinking about this issue right now which can be exhausting so you need to go easy on yourself in other areas of life.

I think you're getting great advice from squeaky - it can really help to type your thoughts out in the way and hear other's views. I don't know whether this will be relevant to your situation, but when I was at the end of my trace, it took on a life of it's own and I had little ability to slow it down. The inability to slow it was MY inability, not procedural or whatever. I just felt having pottered along for years doing bits of search, then nothing for ages, then bits of search, then nothing, as soon as I had opportunity for ACTUAL contact, I couldn't stop myself - I became very impatient to have that contact. I was worried my birth mother might die before our meeting or might pull out. So sometimes these things get a bit frantic and you may not feel able to put it on hold until your relationship with your mum is more stable.

My upset over contact was partly that anxiety above - that she might not turn up, might reject me all over again, might want TOO much contact with me, might be clingy and a massive part was guilt that I might be seen to be rejecting all the fantastic love my parents had shown me. I adore my parents and would so hate to hurt them so this was really painful for me. But it changed nothing about my relationship with my Mum. Nothing. She is still my mum with all her annoyances and lovely bits and it was a rocky patch emotionally for me, but not for us as a parent/child couple.

I was lucky in that she handled her own emotions privately, I think, or genuinely didn't feel threatened, not sure which. When I told her I had met my birth mother, she was clearly shocked and said she expected to be part of the search, but then she rallied, hugged me and said she wished she'd have been able to meet her too.

I must say looking back she didn't ask too many details, she didn't dwell on it, just covered it practically - but I think that was her way of dealing with pain she may feel about not having had biological children and I sort of feel I have to leave that with her and my dad for them to sort out. We're not a perfect family and didn't come about through easy means and I didn't have an easy start to life as a baby but that's outside their/my control so I have let that go as part of lifes rich tapestry.

I left it only a couple of days from my meeting my birth mother to telling my Mum because I couldn't hold in the emotion any longer - the fear of betraying my Mum was stopping me sleeping. For me, it was the right way round, but you need to figure out what is going to be most supportive to you and go with that plan. Talk both ways through with your DH and see which sits more easily with you emotionally.

loves2cycle Thanks so much for you post. You have summed up so much of how I am feeling right now. I think I am at that point where it is all starting to take off and I feel a bit unable, unwilling, to put it off any further. I have been pottering about and searching on an off for years but now it has final started to become concrete.

I have all the worries you had too about further rejection or too much contact etc. It really does feel a bit frantic. You say you couldn't hold the emotion in any longer and I really feel just like that right now. I think I need to tell my mum, not just because I do feel guilty but because...well...she my mum!

I just wish there was an easy way to ease her into it all.

I am going to keep thinking but right now I am leaning towards telling her tomorrow. My social worker warned me that thing could (could) take off quite quickly next week and I am wondering whether my head will be clearer to deal with all that once I have got things off my chest and have warned my mum.

You say you wish you could ease her into it - could you give her some warning that you want to see her to talk to her about something important?

Maybe not overnight as she might not sleep, but just before you go, ask her if you'll be able to chat without other people there - or just your Dad if that's what you want, but noone else as you need some quiet uninterrupted time with her.

That might give her a bit of thinking time and she might have gone through the scenario of this before you arrive so be semi-prepared.

I did that with my mum and dad and once they agreed that they were at home and yes I could pop over, they had an hour to dwell on my reason for visiting, as I lived an hours drive away.

Or could you ask her to go for a walk with you and explain while out walking, if that's your sort of thing?

I think that is a good approach. The subject was mentioned a few years ago but then my search petered out, and the adoption was mentioned at the time or the wedding, so maybe it wont actually come as such a bolt out of the blue for her.

I am heading over to their tomorrow to drop off my dog as we are going away for the weekend. I asked if she would be about but she said she didn't know. I didn't want to give her anything to worry about so I didn't push it but I think I will ring in the morning and tell her I would like to see her and dad if it's possible. Don't know if its something best done on my own or with my DH.

The more I think about it the more I want to do it sooner rather than later. That gives her the most time to get used to it and I can relax a bit. Even if this contact leads to nothing I think I would still feel guilty for not including them, as I will still try to pursue other avenues in the future.