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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I do wish my mum would be supportive and less fearful all the time.

21 replies

Pinkjenny · 09/03/2011 12:05

Last week it was the house we had put an offer in on, she trotted out her, 'I mean, you've got two little ones to consider'. This week, the same line is being used as dh has accepted a new job, in a business which she perceives to be 'risky'.

At the weekend, she came over and mentioned that my cousin is 'intimidated' by me, and that I judge him all the time.

I may shout, 'If you haven't got anything nice to say, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

OP posts:

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 09/03/2011 12:09

Uh huh... you aren't alone.

I don't know what the answer is - I've tried most things to no avail.

Some people are just worriers/negative/less optimistic - whatever. They can't help it and they really are trying to help... but it does 'pull you down' :(

I just try to remember she wont be here forever, she's the only one I have and I'll miss her like hell when she isn't here.... it helps - but it doesn't solve the problem entirely.

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 12:11

Its what mothers do. Well, most of them anyway. Mine was just the same and it drove me mad. No matter what I did she would worry.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/03/2011 12:14

I know, I know. It's just so demoralising, you know? And now I have the dc it's a million times worse!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 12:22

I just used to let it wash over me.. I always expected it, so it never came as a suprise when she found something negative to say about anything we did.

She did actually mellow a bit with age though, and in the couple of years before she died, we managed to have a much better understanding of each other than we had managed for the previous 38 years.

I also think a lot of mums, certainly the ones who are over 60 are a bit envious of the freedom that our generation have in so many aspects of our lives, and rather than say how they wish they could have had the choices we do, they express it as a negative. Hope that makes sense.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/03/2011 12:35

It does make sense, absolutely. But my mum is 52. She had me at 19, and I am an only child. I really think it's a control thing, tbh. She likes to be the main orchestrator of my life. And I do understand that, to an extent. If I had siblings, at least the burden would be somewhat shared around.

OP posts:

Mouseface · 09/03/2011 12:41

Pink - you should post on or read some of the 'Stately Homes' threads.

You are not alone. Mothers can be vile IMO. I think that when they get to a certain age, the flick on a switch to Vile Mode or something.......

I'm hoping NEVER to be a vile mother. Ever.

Mouseface · 09/03/2011 12:42

'they'

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/03/2011 12:47

She's always been a wonderful mum. But over the last few years, her switch seems to have been flicked to overbearing and disapproving.

When in fact, I am a university educated middle manager, I have two happy and healthy children, I'm (reasonably) happily married, and we own our own home.

Now really. What in the name of God does she have to disapprove of? Maybe if I was bringing my children up in a crack den or something, I'd bloody well understand it!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 12:50

Pink, I know exactly where you are coming from with that. I was an only child too, and you do feel like all the pressure is on you to be the perfect child.

I would often get compared to my cousin, (her late sisters daughter), who seemingly was leading the way in how to live the perfect life... married in her mid twenties (while I was still swanning around and flitting from man to man - according to my mother)... two adorable children.. husband in the forces.. all roses round the door.... and I would get the "I will never be a grandma at this rate"....

Five years down the line, perfect cousin was reeling from the shock of her perfect husband walking out on her after finding out he had been had been having an affair for two years. Very sad obviously, but made my mother realise that everything is not what it seems.

She could also never get her head round the fact that I would go on girly breaks with my mates for weekends away a few times a year, and was shocked that my husband would "allow" it...

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/03/2011 12:59

Ooooh squeakytoy - I have this also, but a variation on your theme. I am not allowed to go anywhere other than work. All girly nights out are met with absolute horror. And comments like, 'But what if dd/ds wakes up, they'll be crying for you.'

Or her absolute favourite, 'It's your life.' Which translates as, 'I disagree entirely, but do what you like.'

OP posts:

Mouseface · 09/03/2011 13:02

She'll always find something to disaprove about your life. Always.

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 13:12

haha.. the "its your life" was certainly regularly said... with "I suppose" tagged meaningfully on to the end of it with a sigh..

Passive/aggressive was certainly my mothers style

My hair colour was always a bone of contention too... she really didnt like the bright pink, or the blue streaks... my tattoo was met with abject horror, and my taste in music was a disgrace.. she also could not understand why I didnt agree that my husband and I should go to learn ballroom dancing. Apparently it would enhance our lives forever

We told her coming to a Green Day gig with us would enhance hers too... .. she declined.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/03/2011 13:18

No WAY! My mum says the same thing about Salsa!!!!!! Apparently that is one of the pursuits I am allowed to do.

I am extremely glad it's not just me!

OP posts:

Mouseface · 09/03/2011 13:18

squeaky

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 13:22

Nope, its definatly not just you Jenny...

My mother also drove me mad with her opinions on food. It should not be foreign. It should not contain garlic. Vegetables should be boiled to within an inch of being mush. Meat should be stewed for hours, no blood should be in sight. Indian and Chinese food is the work of the devil and she would quite clearly have dropped down with food poisoning at the mere taste of it apparently.

Oh yes, her visits to our house were a joy....

I would lace food with garlic to see if she noticed. She never did.

I bought fish and chips from the chinese takeaway, which she thoroughly enjoyed.

And apparently, when she went to Italy with my dad many times, she only ate food with no garlic in it... like spag bol, lasagne....

My dad knew how to play her too!

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/03/2011 13:25

at the spag bol and lasagne.

She is, in many ways, my absolute best friend. But in others, a total pita.

My best friend and I spend hours telling each other, 'We will never be like this.'

Ha ha, I guess we'll see!

OP posts:

Mouseface · 09/03/2011 13:30

Bloody hell, are we all related?

Squeaky - that is my mother to the letter

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 13:30

I loved her to bits, she was Blanche from Corrie in so many ways, but I learned to just let it waft over my head and not let it get to me, as it would when I was younger. My husband adored her too, and we do miss her so much.

I think as long as you can laugh about it, its harmless and just part of life. Much rather a mum who is like that, than one who really doesnt give a toss what you do I reckon. :)

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/03/2011 13:34

I am going to try 'bright and breezy' as a tactic. Usually I am 'defensive and paranoid'.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 13:40

I really must go now.. spent far too long on here this morning.. my mother would be bollocking me (too much time spent on the computer was also one of her niggles at me) ..

But yes, definately go for the bright and breezy.. she will always be your mum, and you wont change her... love her for what she is, and let it wash gently by... it works, it really does. :)

Mouseface · 09/03/2011 13:52

Exactly, she'll always love you and be there for you, faults and all.

Flip