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Should I miss DH? if I dont is it a problem?

10 replies

worriedone · 21/10/2005 20:36

Regular but quick name change in case DH happens to see.
DH is often away and when he is here, he is a complete workaholic. He works with computers and has a business partner (male). He will often be working as soon as we have eaten, until 12ish at night, sitting in bed with his laptop often "skyping" with his partner (this is not meant to sound kinky btw!). Sometimes he will even be checking work emails while we eat, despite being scowled at.
He has just been away for 2 weeks-back today. I had one email from him after 2 days-forwarding me another business email-his attached comment was "FYI" (not hello-have arrived safely etc etc) and one phone call "Im phoning you because Im at the airport and got 20 mins walk to the Hertz desk"! The thing is he doesnt mean it nastily, he would be really upset if I said that I was upset , just doesnt think. He is incredibly clever-got the highest mark in his yr at an oxbridge uni, phd in 2 yrs-that sort of clever but he just isnt quite on the same planet emotionally.
I am quite an independant person (thank god!) and generally just get on with it, we have a nice life, nice house no money problems so v.lucky in many ways and am not meaning to whine but just wonder if there is more to life. I dont think I love him anymore, I was thinking today that I dont miss him at all when hes away which cant be right. But on the other hand, I havent ever met anyone else I would get on with better so does one just get on with it? Would be devastating for children (and I think DH would be devastated if he knew how I felt) if we were to seperate. Thing is he wouldnt have a clue how I feel because we hardly talk, I always feel like I am "bothering" him and you can tell he isnt really listening so I dont bother any more. (I dont mean that he is doing that in a nasty way just distracted).
Im not depressed or even sad, just wondering if this is it really, would there be more with someone else, should I even think about it, any one else in same situation-that kind of thing
Thanks for listening anyway!

OP posts:
freakyzebra · 21/10/2005 20:51

mmm... You don't actually sound unhappy, just a bit aware that there should be more to life & love....

I think you can get so comfortable in your security that you don't realise that it's there any more. It sounds to me like if you didn't have him, you would miss him quite badly; miss the things you do have together.

It also sounds to me like your relationship is working pretty well, you 2 just could use a bit more quality time together to keep the bonds fresh.

aloha · 21/10/2005 20:54

I think you need to talk to him very openly and actually say that you are so unhappy you are thinking of leaving and you need him to do X and Y otherwise you are sad.
He sounds a bit Aspergersy - in a nice, clever, kind and responsible way - and if he is, then talking to him really directly has to be the only way.
He almost certainly has no idea at all that you could possibly be feeling this way, and would be appalled to know.

Pruni · 21/10/2005 21:01

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Orinoco · 21/10/2005 22:46

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Blu · 21/10/2005 22:54

Hi WorrieOne - I read this earlier but couldn't post immediately.

I thought three things:

  1. What's to miss? He is away, or away with the fairies, so why on earth could you feel guilty about missing him? This is something you may wnat to talk to him about as it is clearly and understandably) making you unhappy. He prehaps deserves to understand the full truth of that before he feels it's effects?
    I also wondered if indeed you would realise that you DO still love him if you had more access t him!
  2. I think it is good when people are self-sufficient and indpendent enough to at least manage without their partners, and even better be hapy. More likely to have a secure relationship if you are secure on your own, imo. And Oscar Wilde: people who can't be happy in their own company are often not wrong!!
  3. the same as Aloha. I wondered if he was slightly AS. You seem to have enormous understanding of his ways, affection, and admiration for who he is. But do you think he can't actually help some of this?
moondog · 21/10/2005 22:59

WO..I have a workaholic dh who is abroad a lot.
Once,a few years ago,I really put my foor down about his tendency to lock himself away with his laptop and it changed things for the better significantly.

We have been apart for at least 50% of the time in the last five years and when he's home it's quite mad (frequent but short visits) but we both are more accommodating.
I miss him when he is away and vice versa but we get on with our lives and accept that this is the price we pay for the lifestyle that his well paid job affords us.

Bottom line is..sit him down and spell out your feelings clearly.

worriedone · 21/10/2005 23:34

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.
I take all your points really.
I do need to tell him what I think more and I know he will be sorry and suprised. I just feel guilty for moaning at him, its not like he is playing computer games or spending his money at the pub.
Things were better a few yrs ago when he left his high stress job to go self employed, was planning to work semi part time, we went for lunches out etc and watched tv in the evenings and generally communicated more. Didnt take long though for him to take on more and more contracts and is now as busy as before.
I dont think he is aspergers, I have really thought about this as our oldest son, who is incredibly like his father-very bright and hugely driven-has some aspergers traits but I think that its more just an intense ability to focus on what interests you at the time and with DH, thats work
he doesnt even read books, just works!
Trouble is I keep thinking, when hes less busy then we can make time for each other, but the less busy doesnt happen. Think I do need to just be firm now.
Blu-love the "whats to miss......"
Does make me feel better that other people quite appreciate time alone too.
Thanks again

OP posts:
swedishmum · 22/10/2005 22:40

I could have written this post myself! My dh obviously works in a similar industry to yours (his head office wouldn't be in Dublin by any chance?? No seriously I know there are loads of us out there.
I feel my life has been wasted by being a parent - not that ai don't love it but I'd love to be a partner too. Dh is away loads and I do the mummy stuff for 4 kids. I admit the money is OK but sometimes some company would be nice too. Last 3 times I went out without kids - bil's birthday in June, dh's boss's dinner in July and 1 hour at other bil's party in between our visits to Dublin (work) and Sorrento in August. No chillout time since then. Currently dh has switched off from pc to watch "A F"""" boring vehicle is born" on sad bastard tv. Such is my life.

Orinoco · 23/10/2005 20:55

Message withdrawn

swedishmum · 23/10/2005 22:04

Oops, sorry I wrote rude words. Had a few glasses of wine (you could probably tell)

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