Just need to ramble

[ConfusedAsUsual]

I'm a regular MNer but have name changed because too many people know me. Apologies that this is going to sound so sodding predictable but everything's going round and round in my head and I just wanted to write stuff down.

I've been with dh for 19 years, we have two children. For the last few years things have drifted - no sex, doing very little in common together, basically just hard slog bringing up our children. We're a good team in that sense, but have lost our sense of being a couple and I miss the physical closeness.

I have a friend at work (here comes the predictable bit) who I've always had a crush on and have always been very open about fancying from afar - I'm rubbish at hiding how I feel.

But he's never given any indication any of it being returned - that's always been fine with me and we've got to be good friends with nothing ever happening or likely to happen - it's always felt safe and above board.

Last weekend we happened to be at the same event and staying at the same hotel. He ended up in my room, watching TV and drinking wine with me on the bed. Eventually we ended up cuddling - nothing more - no kissing, nothing. Just cuddling - his arm around me, just lovely.

And I can't get it out of my head. Since then, nothing more and although I texted to check we were OK he said it was lovely spending time with me, that the line got blurry.

Sigh. I just don't know what lying on the bed meant to him - to me it was such a huge moment and I'm well aware this sounds like I'm 17 but I'm in my 40's, married, unhappy and now hugely confused. But all I can think is that knowing I liked him, if he didn't at least feel something back, he would have avoided getting into that situation? The fact that some of my feelings might be returned is just blowing my mind.

I'm guessing my answer is to work on my marriage - I don't want our children to have separated parents - but I just feel so sad.

i guess most on here will tell you that!
but i think he was waiting for you to make the move last week, yes you were close, but maybe he had the brains not to push it and let you do what you wanted.
if you had kissed and then gone further, things would have been different.
If you are not getting the attention you need at home, and your job means you get away once in while, then maybe some "NO STRINGS" sex would be good for you, but is important you don't do the fall in love thing, with your friend.
The difficult part is finding out how he feels?

It is bound to have unsettled you as lying on the bed with another man is an intimate thing, especially when cuddling.

You need to separate your feelings about your marriage from those about this other man.

Do you want your marriage back to being a fulfilled and happy one? If yes, then forget all about this other man and keep everything strictly professional. If not, then you need to talk to your husband. Ask him if he is happy as you feel you could have a better time together. Don't lay any blame and accuse him of anything. You can be happy in your marriage and still fancy someone else, the important thing is you mustn't act on it.

You are in control of your own actions.

It's a bit of a cliché, but this appears to be one of those situations where an attraction outside the marriage is more to do with what's missing inside. It should be not only possible but the best thing ever to lie comfortably on a bed with your own life partner with whom you share so much history. The fireworks may damp down over the years (some say that's optional) but the closeness should be better than ever. It's got to be worth trying to rediscover the closeness in your marriage, hasn't it? Maybe you really have grown apart irrevocably, but it's more likely bad habits.

Jessica... mm. That's another viewpoint I suppose. Not one I personally subscribe to. I'll put it no stronger than that.

Thanks all. It's a total cliche - one I never wanted to be in.

Thanks as well for not being too judgy and I suppose I was looking for confirmation that lying on a bed cuddling someone is quite intimate, as I'm so confused that although nothing else happened, it feels like it was so special - but I don't know if the bloke thinks in that way.

Sigh. My dh and I were close to separating about a month or so ago. I was going to leave but to be honest, financially this is impossible. I suppose if we didn't have children I'd make the separation happen, but we've seen other friends going through divorces and the impact on them and their children is horrible - I don't want us to be like that.

But I don't love my husband any more . I don't know that I love the man from work, although I'm certainly thinking about him for most of my waking hours at the moment.

However I've kind of decided since my first post (it was good to get it down in writing) that I'll give the man at work a wide berth for the moment - just to start cooling my mind down. We have to work together for some stuff but I can cut out the chatting and messaging that admittedly has been snowballing recently.

I'm hoping this will clear my mind enough to focus on whether my marriage can be saved in any way - I don't want to be unhappy for the next 20 years of my life - and I'm sure dh isn't happy either.

Its sad for you confused, sound like you want love more than sex?
you need to find out your friends feelings.
i have a friend who used to post on here, she is divorced and dotes on kids, but when they go to their dad, she has fun filled sexy weekends and does not want a relationship, she is well into middle age, and got slaughtered on here, hence why she no longer posts

I want love and sex and attention - being held the other night by this man was just so amazing, as even that hasn't happened to me for so long. I suppose I just want someone to want to be with me and when it seems my friend at work might possibly think about me that way, it's blown my mind a bit and made me so sad because I think I won't be able to separate from dh but I can't see us getting that back either.

But by the sounds of it, you dont want just anyone to hold you.. you want your husband to hold you.

So that is the bit you need to work on. It can be done. :) Think of ways you can both get the spark back.

If you do decide to divorce it doesn't have to be expensive. IIRC Rymans sell a pack for about £13.