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Original poster

Aspergers Bil - need advice

12 replies

MrsFirepots · 08/03/2011 20:53

Hello

My Bil is 28, a student and was diagnosed with aspergers about 5 years ago.

We need advice on how to help him. He lives a very, very restricted life with his parents. He stays up all night playing computer games, downloading DvDs (he is obsessed with this, gets a thrill when they have downloaded)I mean literally getting up at 5pm, going to bed at 5am/7am. He goes to university sometimes, is retaking his year. We don't know if he will pass his degree (he is clever, but does the bare minimum.)He drinks.

He gave up his job, earlier this year and now seems to be a recluse. He has never had a relationship and shies away from anything which involves meeting new people, unless drunk.
His parents are worried about him but do not know what to do, how to help. They ricochet from threatening to throw him out, to ignoring the problem. He behaves selfishly like a teenager, or sometimes a small child, criticising his mother's cooking because she has put tomato on the macaroni cheese Hmm or hasn't prepared it just the way he likes it. Putting on the central heating all through the night, sleeping on the sofa during the day.

We don't know how to help him. Does he need therapy? Can the NHS help? At the moment, his life is a life half lived.

Sorry I may have to go soon (ill, snotty children) but will return tomorrow. TIA

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 08/03/2011 21:01

Sounds like quite an extreme case. He should be getting some support and some DLA money. There are therapies aimed at helping Aspies to cope with living in society generally. The NHS can help with that, although he might have no interest in integrating. How did he get a diagnosis? I'd have expected the support servies to kick in at that time. If your PILs are trying to cope all on their own, then their GP is the first port of call.

Please be aware Asperger's is not an illness and cannot be fixed.

Original poster
MrsFirepots · 08/03/2011 21:11

He went to his GP and told them something was wrong. He then underwent a series of tests, interviews etc, over quite a few months. I am getting this third hand but it seems they thought he had aspergers but a firm diagnosis was complicated because of his heavy cannabis use as a teen (he does not smoke any more)

Things are complicated by the fact his parents don't know about the diagnosis. He has told his siblings. He was on some medication which seemed to help, hexstarted going out, had a job, but he has regressed over last six months.

DP thinks he is using the diagnosis as an excuse not to do things... I don't know what to think...

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsFirepots · 08/03/2011 21:14

God he sounds like a monster. He's very charming and generous when he wants to be.

OP posts:
want2sleep · 08/03/2011 21:19

post in SNchildren...now I know it says 'children' but their are a lot of Aspie parents there...

Iy would be could if he could meet others who have same social difficulties to try and work together on social gatherings...lots of Aspies social groups around...however he is an adult and it is his decision...if he is ?low mood CBT is good for HFAS...again if he agrees/wants help for anxiety in social situations...if he is happy however why try to make square peg fit round hole.

Go to NAS website and they have support number to help with groups/organisations in area...could he cope if parents not around (elderly etc) does he need to learn independent skills like washing/ironing/cooking basics and safety awareness in home...he can get help with this.
If you get him interested in computer clubs or internet cafe groups that meet up may be motivational for him...but otherwise he is an adult and his decision. Unless he is risk to self or others but I know lots of unemployed adults withou AS who stay up all night on games/internet etc

The drinking is the biggest issue here that is why i question anxiety/depression and needing alcohol to cope...again CBT or motivational therapy may help but as with any person with alcohol problem only f he wants it...education may be key i.e blood test to show liver damage etc and explain outcomes if carry on but would leave this to pros Dr's addiction workers etc...but there are organisations that can help have different names in different areas etc...may get 1:1 to go to group to socialise etc..again go to SN children or teens (not v busy though)...but ignore the title as really good help their from adults with same issues or children grown up with same issues.

want2sleep · 08/03/2011 21:21

It not Iy

garlicbutter · 09/03/2011 05:01

It might not be Asperger's. Could be a whole bunch of other things. From your OP, I thought he had a full dx but, now, it looks as if he might have anything from a psychiatric disorder to diabetes! I agree the first step is to get him to the doctor and, hopefully, address his drinking.

Asperger's can be hell to live with, both for the Aspie and those around them. "Training" is a slow process but is pretty much the only way to smooth out the bumps. Does anybody know how to engage his interest? If he does have an ASD he'll get fixated on things that grab his attention, do lots of research and hopefully make his own mind up to seek treatment.

want2sleep · 09/03/2011 10:26

I am confused MrsFire posted but garlic butter saying he has different, are you same poster? I'm Confused.

Anyway yep bipolar is often common dx with AS but so are others too....usually AS is one of list of DX tbh.

That's why I said present facts/figures of outcomes of i.e carry on drinking....hopefullly do resocial and search and self treat!

But probs aint going to go away that easy....need help with that why I recommend phone NAS helplines to ask what in area...SS should help and give respite care also (direct payments) to pay for someone to take bil to social places to develop confidence etc...he sounds depressed but that is my opinion and I aint a Dr only a parent of a LO with ASD.

want2sleep · 09/03/2011 10:27

research not sesocial...my keyboard seems to jump:)

coppertop · 09/03/2011 10:31

I would contact your local NAS group. They should be able to advise the parents about what help is available locally.

amberlight · 09/03/2011 12:55

I am on the autism spectrum. So are many of my good friends, work colleagues and indeed family. None of us behave like monsters or are appalling to live with. If someone is on the autism spectrum and is making other peoples' lives that difficult or stressful, they definitely need good help, support and therapy to learn how to behave more appropriately. Unfortunately, a few people on the autism spectrum do behave in extreme ways and they get almost 100% of the 'publicity', so the public think that's what we're all like and there's no other way for us to be. Then the public fear us and can make it darned near impossible for us to lead normal lives anyway, so it becomes a 'vicious circle'.

The advice to contact the NAS is very good. They have a lot of info and can make some good suggestions. He would need a formal and proper diagnosis of autism (it's changing from Asperger syndrome in April this year - it all becomes 'autism') to access the best support though.

Original poster
MrsFirepots · 09/03/2011 13:32

Thankyou for your advice. I think the difficulty is that the anti social behaviour, drinking, obsessive behaviour are all tangled up with the asperger 'diagnosis'

I think he needs a professional to 'untangle' this behaviour, I think he is using his 'diagnosis' as a bit of a crutch to excuse other behaviour although he struggles in social situations, cannot follow group conversations and frequently 'absents' himself when it gets too much.

We will have to talk to him.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/03/2011 14:15

" his life is a life half lived."

his view or yours? you seem to be judging him here... soudns like from his poitn of view he has it ok, does what he likes, gets fed, clothes washed etc...why should he change?!

is he asking you for help?

maybe here it is the parents that live with him tnat need help - who to approach, what to say to him, how to manage his behaviour etc.

if he drinks excessively - they need to talk to al anon.

he doesnt live with you right?
what is the impact on you as a family?

i agree he needs help but as a n adult ho presumably funcitons on some level, he and his profressionals (prob via GP) need to be accesing it.

you can provide information for him and - if he agrees - set up appointments. but he is not your child... i think it is your parents who need help here in setting the boundaries as he living with them

and ideally for him to acess the help that is out there speak to NAS etc - but

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