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Relationships

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Original poster

What would you think of a man if he said this....

20 replies

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 08/03/2011 19:37

My ex's wife cheated on him (a couple of times according to him) and he was consumed with the fact that the children (then 12 and 15) might not be his. One day I opened up his laptop (he was sitting next to me) to google something. On the left where all his favourites came up, I noticed something that said DNA testing. I discussed this situation with him, stating the consequences of going through with something like this. This is how the conversation (concise version) went...

ME :"But what would you do if you found out the children weren't yours?"
HIM: "I would cut them off, it'd be her fault (ex wife)"
ME:"But you are the only father they have ever known, surely you couldn't do that?"
HIM : "Yes I really think I could"

What would you think?

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 08/03/2011 19:41

Heartless. His quarrel is with his wife, not his children. What an unfeeling twat. I can't decide if he is right to feel wronged or just a vengeful knobber.

Ooopsadaisy · 08/03/2011 19:41

It would depend on what I expected of him.

If I expected him to accept the children no matter what, then I would be deeply upset for me, him and the children.

What about the children? I wonder how they feel? have they been asked what they will want when the results are known?

Surely they are the most important in this?

peeriebear · 08/03/2011 19:43

I'd think he was cruel and selfish. A real man is a dedicated father, even if the child/ren are not his. Your actions are what matter, not DNA connections.

Original poster

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 08/03/2011 19:44

Booboo..at that point we had been together around 2 years, does it sound like he wasn't over his wife?

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 08/03/2011 19:45

Yes it sounds that way.
Why are you thinkign of this now btw? Presumably you have split up and are lookign for a reason why? It sounds like you are well rid

perfumedlife · 08/03/2011 19:45

I think this is just a kneejerk reaction from him, and that he possibly would feel somewhat different in the cold light of day. But, he really needs to think this over very carefully. He has been their father, not only would the kids lose, he would lose his children.

Why do you still mull this over, what with him being your ex?

Original poster

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 08/03/2011 19:47

Ooops, I think my expectations were of kindness towards his children whom he doted on. To think that someone can turn his emotions on/off just like that is really scary...hence we are not together

OP posts:

Mamaz0n · 08/03/2011 19:48

I would think that he is deeply worried about something that he cannot find an answer to.

No one can preict hwo they will think or feel. They can make a guess as to how they would like to behave but not how they know they will.

To find out that the children he loves are not his own would be devestating. I can understand that his anger is mixed with his confusion.

Does he have reason to believe she cheated during the periods of the childrens conception?

Ooopsadaisy · 08/03/2011 19:51

OP - I agree with you. I just found it difficult to answer you post without understanding your relationship a bit more.

If this was my DP, I would be appalled because it would be so out of character for him. He is a rational, kind, caring man and I could not ever contemplate him being like this.

I wonder how his children feel. Surely they are aware of this DNA test? They are old enough to be given the respect of being told, don't you think?

Original poster

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 08/03/2011 19:52

Boo and perfume...

This topic came up in a conversation at work today and it took me back. And yes I guess it made me think whether I did the right thing in separating, I question myself quite a bit actually, don't know why.

OP posts:

Original poster

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 08/03/2011 19:57

Mama, when she had the affair that split them up, he then (or so it seemed) went over every minute of their life together. Like a jigsaw.

Oops, no, I don't think the children were ever aware of such a test.

Looking at these replies, I can see for myself this man was not over his wife or her infidelity.

OP posts:

therealmrsbeckham · 08/03/2011 20:02

Sounds like my ex - not a compassionate,caring or kind bone in his body. He also seemed to be able to turn his emotions on and off like a tap.

He will end up a very bitter man and it will most probably affect his relationship with his children

squeakytoy · 08/03/2011 22:01

I think its possible he was over his wife, but once the seed of doubt is planted that the children you thought were yours, may not be yours after all, I would imagine that is a very hard thing to erase until you have definite proof of paternity.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 08/03/2011 22:06

i don't think you can take what he is saying at face value. it's no doubt coming from a place of extreme hurt.

let his actions speak louder than his words.

if he does indeed cut off the children on this basis it would reflect very badly on him i agree. (is it really likely they are not his - do they look like him?)

Original poster

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 08/03/2011 22:13

Smashing...I quite agree he was extremely hurt, however, he had been with me for some time (allegedly happy) and the affair/s had taken place quite some time before that.

I think, on reflection he wanted to hurt his wife as much as she had hurt him. But, hand on heart I really don't know whether he would have gone through with his final decision, that, to me, signifies that I didn't know him very well at all.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 08/03/2011 23:12

I agree with sqeakytoy, he may well have been over her. The problem is, once that seed of doubt was planted, he would then think/fear/wonder/obsess over what else was subterfuge and false whilst married to her. I think a lot of people may think they would want to know the paternity but then decide after all that it wouldn't change their feelings for the kids.

Is this the main reason you broke up WillI? Did you feel the ex was still too much in the forefront of his mind?

Original poster

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 09/03/2011 07:05

No Perfume this wasn't the reason for the split, however, I do believe he hadn't dealt with her betrayal, therefore yes she was always lurking. I did ask him outright a couple of times if her were still in love with her and he said no. But would you really say yes to your girlfriend who you claim to be in love with? I doubt it.

I broke up with him because I felt I was way down the pile of his priorities, that he could quite easily do without me. I told him I didn't think I could carry on with the relationship anymore, he didn't argue/discuss/show concern. That was it, 3 years all over in a heartbeat. Within weeks he was "seeing someone on a regular basis". Looking at his reaction to this and his attitude to the OP, did I do the right thing? A question that goes over and over, but futile...

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 07:31

a futile question, yes

but from all you have said, I think the decision to end your relationship with him was the correct one

Bluegrass · 09/03/2011 07:54

For many men being tricked into looking after another man's children is the ultimate nightmare scenario. In biological terms not only have they failed to reproduce, they've spent valuable time and resources looking after someone else's DNA. Millions of years of evolution is hard to dismiss with a shrug and an "oh well, love matters more than genes". He sounds like he is trying to articulate some of that fear and pain.

As someone else said, at the moment it is just words, his actions may be quite different.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/03/2011 09:42

XH will occasionally tell people we split up over my affair/s (eg he told the CAB adviser he didn't want a divorce but "my wife likes young men") and occasionally hinted to me that he suspected the children were not his. All bullshit. I have never slept with anyone in my life except him (depressingly). In his lucid moments he knows it.

Not to deny that women have affairs (if they didn't, who would all these cheating husbands cheat with?), but sometimes, in fact, they may not have. I think a lot of guys would rather believe their wife left them for another man than that she left because he was a rubbish partner. Then when she gets a boyfriend after the event he elides history in his mind and ends up believing that the boyfriend came first, even when there was a clear few years' gap. An irrational fixation on her perceived infidelity - and I'd class DNA tests on a 15-year-old as somewhat irrational - suggests to me it's more likely to be about something going on in the man's head than the woman's actual doings. Even XBIL, who did catch XSIL in flagrante delicto, with witnesses, and had to be escorted out of the house by police, never tried to go back in time to disinherit their children.

And sometimes they just out-and-out lie to get sympathy.

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