years after EA, still so angry

[cantletitgo]

Namechanged for this due to extreme humiliation.

DH had an EA with an ex, old flame from uni days, wasn't a hugely serious relationship at the time according to him, clearly both felt that they still had a connection to each other. Utter bastards. The issue was put to bed over 3 and a half years ago. It was a horrible awful period in my life and I thought very carefully whether I didn't just want to leave, but after a lot of talking and crying we managed to put the issue behind us and move on together.

I am still livid. Not all the time, but every so often.. when someone with the same name as her is in the news for example, or a woman with similar hair gets on my train. Most of the time we don't discuss the past (DH feels very strongly that he's apologised and done everything he can to put things right, and doesn't want these mistakes to hang over the rest of our lives together).

The instant stress/anger response when I am reminded is overwhelming and damaging, it puts me back in a very dark mental place, I can't eat, I get nightmares, I start to panic and hyperventilate.
In reaction to this, DH gets very defensive and 'oh christ please not this again', which makes me feel even worse.

I'm still so angry. Mostly at myself I think, for letting it go for so long, not standing up for myself, for being such a fucking doormat whilst the EA was going on, just to 'keep the peace'. Looking back I cannot believe the crap I put up with, by rights I should have left him and at least retained a bit of pride.

I thought I was over this - I still secretly monitor his emails just to be sure - yes I know this is wrong and unhealthy. Clearly not over it then am I?

We are otherwise very happy. It's just this one niggling issue that keeps popping back up to remind me of the absolute lowest time of my entire life.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What do I have to do to let this go? I just want it to be over.

Did you have counselling at the time? I think you could do with some.

And please - 'DH feels very strongly that he's apologised and done everything he can to put things right, and doesn't want these mistakes to hang over the rest of our lives together' - of course he does, if I made did a horrible thing I would want everyone to forget about it too. But you haven't and he has to deal with that appropriately.

Whether or not he has moved on, it seems as if you haven't yet (understandably, not wrongly) - and maybe this is less to do with your relationship per se, and more simply to do with processing the powerful emotions that it evoked in you.

I went to Relate on my own when my previous relationship broke down, and it was enormously helpful just to have somewhere acceptable and non-damaging to the rest of my life to vent all that stuff. It helps to be able to feel it and to express it, firstly, and then ultimately to have someone there to help put it into context. A lot of what went on was connected directly or indirectly to other things in my history and it was a real weight off my shoulders to address that myself, without the burden of 'being ok' or being a certain way for someone else.

Your instincts are telling you that this is not yet dealt with - so it isn't. But that doesn't mean it won't be in time, and the journey there might be illuminating and positive as well as tough. The worst place to stay is an explosively awful status quo!

Wishing you the best

Do you get angry with your husband? How often do these 'episodes' occur or is it just when something/one reminds you of her?

Oh you poor love. I don't blame you for struggling. It sounds like your self esteem is still very low. Why do you think you were trying to 'keep the peace' in a situation that was outwith your control?

It seems an odd position to take, when your dh was cheating, emotionally. Were you so terrified to confront it?

you are nowhere near approaching being "over it" or moving on

i would suggest counselling also

seems a long time to be simmering with rage tbh

What kind of councilling, please? I am in a similar situation.(don't want to hijack your thread cantlet)

I could have written your post, OP. I can't really offer any advice. We went for counselling at the time and I didn't want to leave, we have children together. Sometimes, I cannot stand to have my dp near me and our sex life has almost come to a standstill. Hope someone can come up with some good advice because I'm not over it yet and don't know what to do.

How long since discovery hotels?
I am 21 months on and have awful relaspes every 6 weeks or so, where I rant and rave at my h, goes on for hours and I can't stop. He's done all the right things I have no reason to suspect him now but I am just not over it. ( A very intense,short lived physical and emotional affair where he was seriuosly thinking of leaving us for).

3 years, I don't shout and rant but get angry and brood instead wishing that I'd married someone else who wouldn't have done this to me. It was such a shock. I didn't think he would do anything like this to me.

I'm one of the people who thinks that emotional affairs are different from physical affairs because they show indulgence and restraint in different ways.

OP, I think you need to get this out - here is good if you don't want to go to counselling. I also think that if your DP has done the right things you'll need to be careful you don't set you both back in your relationship but that anything you do genuinely does move you forward.

What did the EA consist of?

However, on discovery of that affair he also decided to come clean about a previous one that had lasted for 5 years! Mainly conducted by email, largely emotional but had been physical on 2 or 3 occasions.( she lived/s in the US, we live in England). That's the one I can't get over. The fact that I had no idea about it. Whereas with the most recent one the classic signs were all there, withdrawal, picking fights, walking the dog a lot!, etc,.

Five years, that's so awful for you. Did anyone else know?

No! It was his secret life which is so hard to get over and move on from. The kids were tiny, i was working part time and he travels a lot with work, same old excuses!
But he is a reformed character now, very well liked and respected (except by me and my 2 close friends who I confided in). We have had councilling, it was very good. But I still have these 'episodes'. Less frequently and less anger but incredibly depressing.

i'm not qualified to make a diagnosis so please just take this as a 'thought' but it sounds almost as if you are suffering post traumatic stress over this - replaying the events over and over in your mind (in a hopeless attempt to come to a more satisfactory outcome) and being easily sent back to the same emotional space by triggers like names and hairstyles.

i had a similar situation with the ending of an abusive relationship - even though it had finished (not my choice) i played scenes (imaginary and real) over and over in my head and it certainly stops you feeling calm and whole. i think the only thing that finally has brought me peace is the realisation of what a damaged person my ex was and how nothing i could do was going to change that.

this is clearly having a horrible effect on your current life and although you are trying to minimise this i'm not sure that is the right thing to do.

you clearly haven't reconciled your decision to 'stay' either.

you can work through this but only if you allow yourself to really face it and decide what you want (and need) to grow and move forward.