Do I need to get some perspective?

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Been lurking with very occasional posts for a number of years - feel so unable to see the wood for the trees that I could do with some advice. Not sure if this should really be in Teenagers but I guess it is affecting mine and DD's relationship.

DD2, 17 next month, has been on/off dabbling with weed. We've tried stopping allowance, saying no to sleepovers/parties, trying to encourage her to mix with friends not involved in this activity - she changes and we start thinking all ok - then back to square one.

Her stance is that it is only occasional, we know nothing about it (she's right there), she could be getting plastered on vodka like lots of her peers - oh the list is endless.

Like I said, I have no experience of it, apart from the fact the the few people I have seen involved with weed seem to end up with no motivation. I have been scaring myself on the internet and have read posts here too about the negative effects.

This morning had a row in car on way to school, AS student doing accademic subjects, with her shouting "I'm fed up with everyone telling me what to do!".

My childhood was pretty poor, mother abandoned me at 3 months to be brought up by toxic GM. Irish/catholic at that which certainly heeped the guilt on! Anyway I've always had a pretty poor opinion of my mothering skills and am now petrified that by not letting DD make her own mistakes (and I've made plenty of my own) we're pushing her away.

My DH has been pretty hot on both girls' education and I'm also worried that this has put too much of a pressure on DD2. DD1 is now at uni and I'm sure DD2 feels put out that she doesn't yet have this freedom.

Guess what I could do with is some advice as to how I make sure that I don't lose DD. As I said I'm not a confident mother and I also don't really open up to people in rl, due to my past. So I just feel fit to burst with all the thoughts invading my frazzled brain and my history of depression leads me to a negative outcome - I tend to catastrophize!

Would really appreciate any experiences, thanks.

let her see how scared you are about this. let her see you cry.

i went through a really bad patch with my parents around that age and the only thing that got me to stop and think about what i was doing was when my mum completely freaked out and i could see how much i was affecting her.

Thanks Boo

She has actually seen me in a state a few times, this is when she tells me I've got it all out of context, she's hardly doing at all etc. But I must admit I probably believe her too quickly, because I want too, and then back down. Perhaps I should let myself go!

When was the last time that you as her parents and she had an actual proper chat?.

Family Lives, formerly called Parentline plus, may be able to help you here. Think you all as a family unit need help and support.

Their number is 0808 800 2222.

Have just checked that site - looks good, will give them a call.

It's a good point as DH and I try to get her to talk but it always seems like she's brushing us off and can't wait to get on facebook/mobile etc. As if we are a couple of PITA s and she hasn't got the time. Is this typical teen, DD1 was like it for a bit, or effects of the weed I wonder, or we are a couple of PITA s?

It does sound fairly teen tbh. Part of spreading your wings and trying to be independent whilst still technically dependent. Mum and dad are just not cool any more.

I must say though, if any of mine had been caught smoking weed (or for that matter, tobacco) I'd have sewn their lips together.

Annie good idea (rushes to sewing kit)!

Tobacco seems to be a problem too now which we're pretty p'd off about. She did Biology GCSE and has an aunt who has just been diagnosed with emphysema through smoking, but it's not put her off.

Spoke with a really helpful chap at Family Lives. Made me think perhaps I'm not very consistent in the messages I give her about it all. Perhaps DH and I play Good Cop (me) Bad Cop (him) sometimes rather than showing a united front.

As with anything there is more here than just the words on a screen, but I need to be strong for DD as it's her future and I love her - she's just not going to like me.

You could speak to her school/college - ask them if they can put on a talk about weed for the students - you wouldn't have to say who you were in the phone call, just that you're the mother of a pupil.

We have a good community psychiatric nurse who comes in and talks to the pupils about the people she deals with - talks to them about the mental health problems that can occur.

I had the same problem with my children - found home made bongs etc - I know they both do it but as both are away at university it's really hard to know what to do. If they smell of smoke in any way, though, they don't get money to go out with. Apart from that, not sure what I can do.

School might be willing to do this as I think they have a zero tolerance policy.

The mental health side of it worries me as I've had problems myself, together with some of DH's family and I wonder about any genetic links - worry, worry, worry is all I seem to do!

We live in a small country town and I never would have thought it could be a problem, guess I'm quite naive.

Thanks for your comments, it's good to get it off my chest and not be judged as perhaps I would in rl.

Personally I think education is the key. For a teenager kicking against the fences, proper knowlege about what she's doing and the potential risks will give her true freedom of choice. I don't mean scaremongering. These days there's a lot of very good info available to young adults, like the Talk To Frank service.

I experimented with every drug available in my long-ago youth - except heroin. Despite the fact that I had a very fucked-up childhood and was going out with a heroin dealer (!), I was aware it could turn out to be a one-way road so I never set foot on it.

I wont be much help my DC is still v, young

but didnt want to not answer, big hug from me, don't let your poor childhood undermine your parenting confidence. Alot of people end up good parents in spite of poor upbringings

Hadn't thought about the Talk to Frank - looked at site and first thing I thought might help her focus was the section about The Law. Seeing it in black and white rather than just my comments about being caught by the Police is helpful.

True freedom of choice is what I would like for her really, her choosing not to do it rather than us imposing our values. I never thought I would utter my GM's words of "not under my roof" but I have

I think you're more likely to find informed choice means doing some drugs sometimes, rather than none at all. Tbh, a few party pills and spliffs won't ruin her life - letting them become her life will do that, and she'll be at greater risk if she sees all & any drug abuse as an either/or. Knowlege is power.

You have very right to say "Not under my roof" because of the criminal implications. Question is, where will she go to use? It is a tricky and distressing issue for any parent, I'm just trying to offer some un-hysterical points of view.

Has she already read or phoned Talk To Frank? My nephews don't rate it very highly ... but they are well informed and use drugs judiciously, so it sank in anyway!

Thanks garlicbutter I appreciate your non hysterical standpoint - I am prone to veer towards the hysterical so it's what I need!

Will ask whether she's tried Frank, perhaps it's something I should already know about her?

As you have probably gathered I don't feel very 'grown-up' about all this - this is where all the comments are helping.

GlitterHo sorry missed your post earlier - thanks for the hug!

Had a fairly reasonable chat with DD last night and was quite honest with her about alot of my worries - she seemed quite surprised that it was affecting me as much.

Obviously this will be an on-going piece of work! We're going to sit down together this weekend and look at the Frank site, she's agreed to this quite openly. She has actually admitted to doing some internet research herself saying that she would never use something without knowing about it. Doesn't change the fact that she still decided it was ok to use it but it may mean she is open to changing her mind.

Anyway, again I really appreciate your responses and it has given me confidence to post in the future, as opposed to lurking and hoping someone has the same problems as me!

I would call Frank myself first.

Her current stance is that it's 'not a problem' and the perception of the Talk to Frank organisation is that it is to deal with drug problems.

Give them a call and ask them what they think. They may tell you to get her on the phone straight away or they may have other suggestions.

Like GarlicButter I experimented with everything except Heroin in my youth. Like GarlicButter this is because the education about drugs we were receiving was all about the evils of heroin - hideous videos of people jacking up and looking scabby and half dead, and this was enough to scare me off. Compared to that all the other drugs seemed 'fun' and relatively 'soft' (although clearly this is not the case)

In your favour, there is currently greater recognition of the damage long term use of weed (especially Skunk) can do, so it should be easy to find literature or people to talk to your DD about it.

BUT do not despair too much. I smoked weed for about 5 years (16-21) then just grew out of it with no lasting damage done.

OOps cross posted with you OP.

You have made great progress. Your DD sounds like a normal reasonable teenager who cares that she is upsetting you and is prepared to tackle things maturely

Good luck

I would first of all ask her what sort of weed she is smoking. There is a world of difference between home grown milder stuff, and skunk.

She is at the age where she is going to experiment and no amount of parental concern will stop peer pressure. But the more informed she is about drugs the better.

At almost 17, you cant really ban her from sleepovers, or choose her friends for her, and the ore restrictions you try to put on her, the more likely it is that you will lose her.

There are very few people who I know who didnt smoke the occasional joint when we were growing up, (myself included) and I know all 3 of my stepchildren dabbled in it too, but thankfully "dabbling" was all they have ever done, and none of them ever smoke it now. (all in their mid 20's).

I am now fairly anti-drugs, but know that teens will be teens and its better if your daughter can be open with you, rather than feel she needs to lie because you disapprove so strongly or will try to punish her for it.

Long term heavy use of cannabis is very likely to lead to mental health problems, but occasional smoking of joints (not skunk) is no more harmful than having a glass of wine. It is the occasional bit that is the vital thing. If it gets to a point where she is stoned every night of the week then there is a problem.

Hadn't thought about calling Frank - am open to advice from all corners.

I'm quite wary about making too many draconian restrictions as all I fear that will do is add to her rebellion fire. Know we need to make more opportunites for discussions from both sides.

Thanks for all the comments - keep 'em coming as it does help!

You dont need to scare yourself. Occasionally smoking a joint really is not the start of a slippery slope. It does not lead to harder drugs. Yes, its true that almost every person on heroin will start off smoking dope, but as a rough example 500 people will have a joint, 250 will never smoke another one, 250 will smoke it again, 100 of those will carry on smoking dope regularly, 25 of those may go on to use other drugs, and 5 out of those may end up with serious drug problems. The figures are possibly even lower than that, but it helps to put it into perspective if you are worried and have no experience at all of drugs.

I used to do this at 16-17 -- funnily enough my father smoked too and he used to have a joint with my friend. I even bunked off triple maths to listen to (Frank Sinatra!) music with my friend.

But I managed my studies too and got into Oxford and smoked on and off thoughout my time and still got a top degree (oooh, get me!)

I am only saying this to allay your fears that this sort of behaviour doesn't have to mean a slipperly slope into degeneracy.

Yes, I wouldn't like the idea of my daughter doing it -- this is with my particularly very liberal views on drugs. But it may not mean poor studies or a descent into hard drugs either.

Hello op I wanted to offer some advice as I took a lot of drugs when I was a teenager - I'm now 33 so my clubbing days were in the 90s lots of ecstasy speed acid ... And literally every one I knew smoked weed.

I think you have to stay calm and accept you cannot control everything that teenagers do - if you overreact you will create a situation where there is no shades of grey. Ie if you are in tears over her smoking weed which she doesn't do often - she won't take your views seriously on harder drugs.

This is My personal view - smoking weed is very very common - among you people and adults in the UK. It has no direct link to harder drugs and you should leave her to make her own risk judgements about it's legality.

Tbh I also think there is nothing wrong with experimenting with other drugs - she is going to be faced with those decisions and you can't be there to look over her shoulder all the time. I have friends who had strict parents but then as soon as they left home they went wild - lotsof people start taking drugs in their twenties. Surely it's better she can be open with you and know you won't be judgemental?

You know the truth is - drugs are fun. They offer some amazing exciting life changing experiences. Many of my best memories from my teenage years are drug related. I saw friends suffer too - my boyfriend at the time had a drug related psychotic breakdown - he had underlying mental health issues and I would recommend you discuss that angle with her

But I mean discuss don't lecture . Dont drive her away. She needs to be able to talk calmly and openly with you while she makes her own decisions in life.

So I am aware there are risks but there is no point driving her away.