Am I Being Unreasonable - Smoking ?

[Metrobaby]

My DH and I are having a disagreement at the moment, and I am hoping as Prufrock has eloquently put it the past that 'court of mumsnet' can help us out.

In Oct and Dec we're due to go and stay at my MIL and FIL house. I am very reluctant to go this time as they are very heavy smokers and it is very likely that I will be pg. I have nothing against my PILs smoking but it does aggravate my asthma a lot. OK I haven't had a serious attack over there granted but I just don't want to risk it when I am pg. I have suggested to DH we all stay at a nearby hotel or B&B but he is reluctant to do this as he really doesn't want to offend his parents. Also I know his parents will think I am being silly and over dramatic about it.

Finally this situation is going to get any better as I then pointed out to DH that when no2 comes along this is going to pose problems as all 4 of us will not physically be able to fit into 1 bedroom. To which he suggested that we would then have to sleep in their lounge and the babies sleep in the bedroom. I am not keen on this either as the front room is where most of the smoking takes place.

So (without risking offence to any smokers) - am I being unreasonable - is the solution that will keep me happy but not offend my in-laws?

Nope - you are not being unreasonable at all. Will they know you are pregnant. If so I think it perfectly reasonable to not stay in a smokey atmosphere.
You could say that you aren't happy being in a smokey environment, but as you don't want to ask them not to smoke in their own house you are perfectly happy to stay nearby so as not to put them out.
They might not think you are being silly - I got very wound up about going to dh's aunts last Xmas as her Mother smokes v. heavily. But as soon as I mentioned it the Mother volunteered to do all smoking outside and was fine about it.

Your dh should accept that your, your babies and our ds's health is more important than offending his parents.

But let the court decide

Tell them that smoke makes your morning sickness worse, a lie but atleast they won't be offended.

Metrobaby - I think you are being entirely reasonable and at the end of the day your DH should appreciate that the health of you and the baby is much more important than offending his parents!!

DP and I both smoke (more or less just when we are drinking). But we have NEVER smoked in our house. I fell out with my Mum when I found out that when DS was only weeks old he stayed overnight there a few times and she smoked beside him while he slept! I went mental! Thankfully she doesn't smoke now.

This is not something you should compromise on. Their nose might be put out of joint for a while, but you stick to your guns. A B&B is the best option. And when his Parents as why you aren't staying with them then tell them that the smoke is making you ill. Surely they can't argue with that???

No Metrobaby, you're not being unreasonable. Even as an ex smoker I don't think so (but I rarely defended smoking or my 'right' to inflict it on anyone else). I don't want to stay at dp's parents (they don't smoke) because her kitchen is such an environmental health hazard that I can't face eating there so I won't - we'll be going for B&Bs when we go to see them for any length of time. I'm going to go with the "we don't want to put you out" line and stick with it (dp knows real reason and doesn't blame me) and I won't budge on that. And we're only talking about potential food poisoning here, not a pregnant woman or new baby's lungs exposed to revolting smoke! It's their house and they're welcome to exercise their right to pollute it but equally IMO you're entitled to exercise your right not to stay there. Especially since it'll spare your children and unborn baby second hand smoke. Surely they'll understand?

I refuse to stay at my SILs in for this very reason!

She "chain-smokes" all day (even though she is in remission after suffering from cancer). She is one of the most selfish people I have ever met - she is quite happy to smoke around my children (even as newborns) - her usual reply "well, it didn't do my lot any harm!!" - even though her youngest suffers from bad asthma!

I have asthma myself which is aggravated by smoke and have regular occurences of bronchitis. The rest of the family are non-smokers - just her - and she insists it's her right to "pollute" everyone else with her filth.

For example, we all met up for a meal, as I said she is the only smoker - so what does she do! - she books a "smoking" table (even though there were 7 children present) so she could have a fag! Fortunately, DH knew I was ready to punch the selfish cow, and managed to move us all to a "non-smoking" table.

She has not spoken to us since that day (no joke!!) which quite frankly is a bloody relief as she is nothing but a selfish cow who my children could do without knowing!

Grrrr, see - you've set me off on one now

As a smoker even I think you are perfectly right. I ashamedly do partake of this horrible habit but even in my own home wouldn't force anyone to put up with it, all ours is done in the garden (whatever the weather).

Someone else's right to smoke ends at your nose
I would hope they know about passive smoking and all that and wouldn't be difficult.
But the morning sickness excuse is a good one...

Could you say that the doctor is very worried about your asthma turning serious during pregnancy so you have to minimise exposure to smoky environments? Would that be too transparent a lie? Nice to blame it on your doctor if possible!

I agree with ANGELMOTHER,i too smoke(hanging my head in shame!!I am going to stop), but i don't smoke in the house ,i sit out in the garden!I think the suggestion about"making your morning sickness worse" is a very diplomatic way to put it!At the end of the day they will probably respect you for taking such good care of their grandchild

the court of mumsnet seems pretty much on your side metrobaby! another vote for the b&b here. Actually I think you sound really sweet and tolerant to have stayed there in the past if it aggravates your asthma anyway. Just pile on the excuses so as not to offend and then get them used to the idea of b&b from now on.

Thanks for your opinions. It was especially nice to hear from you smokers too. The morning sickness excuse is a good one, and then I'll have to use the asthma excuse afterwards. I will now be insisting on a B&B. DH has a very close relationship with his parents and hates upsetting them - especially as they announced the other day they had redecorated the spare bedroom. I know that they have the same attitude as Slinky's SIL in that they say "well we've had 4 kids and 13 grandkids and its never done any harm". But in all fairness when I am over they do on occassions try to smoke in another room or outside, which does make me feel guilty when I am over there. However when the rest of DH's family come over its a different story as they all smoke. Also I have to say the smoke does hang around all of the house.

I smoke and DH & I will be smoking in one room at the back of the house after baby makes entrance. We are both heavy smokers and I have to say that I do NOT ever smoke around other peoples babys or in peoples houses who do not smoke. If I have to get cold by going out at Xmas, tough titty. My choice to smoke. If someone wanted to stay in a B&B rather than stay at my house who didn't smoke, I would be irritated for about a second and then I would think lets compromise and I would smoke near open door/window and I would promise the non-smokers that. The only time I get mad about 'non smoking' is when the only seats in a pub are in........you guessed it, the non smoking bit.