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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Warning signs

51 replies

BelleBelicious · 08/03/2011 13:07

Following on from another poster's thread about alarm bells going off because a man says he only likes thin, beautiful women and that he admires the infamous wife-beater and coke-head Charlie Sheen, I wondered what other really obvious alarm bells you've come across.

For me (different men):

Telling me that his Nan had to move home, because it had blacked up too much where she lived. (That was a first and only date, ladies)

Going home to meet his parents (only child) and he was really, really rude to his mum.

Overdoing the compliments about how I looked (sadly that was a good few years ago now) and wanting to buy me designer dresses. (It sounds lovely, but alarm bells were going off all over the place and rightly so, as it turned out).

Further ones, that would preclude any sort of relationship:

Possessing a poster of Jordan
Thinking Jeremy Clarkson is a great bloke, who speaks for the common man
Reading the Daily Mail (OK, I'm a weedy liberal, but have no objection to the Torygraph)

OP posts:
poppygolucky · 08/03/2011 19:40

*god!

Original poster
BelleBelicious · 08/03/2011 19:48

cried about one of his exes on first date!

We don't need to tell you that you ignored the alarm bell there, do we Poppy?

OP posts:
poppygolucky · 08/03/2011 19:52

Haha! She was his ex from 4 years previous though. He'd lived with another girl and had two other relationships since then! And I still think he's in the closet - he has no female friends, is obsessed with men, doesn't like sex and frequents gay bars. Oh dear - what was I thinking??

In my defence, he is very good looking!

sungirltan · 08/03/2011 20:31

belle - it did happen and he stood as a tory councillor in the locals last year. in leicester. the willy pic thing has also happened to me :-(

mdavza · 08/03/2011 20:32

Being unable to go on a date without inviting all his gay friends along.

Wanting to me to experiment with his - ahem - arse.

I got the drift.

Another loser, who looked at me and said: You're so pathetic. After I agreed about watching a movie. I left, quickly.

I have a friend whose new boyfriend refuses to take pictures of him kissing his ex (who he's still in contact with) off his FB account. Hmm

Original poster
BelleBelicious · 08/03/2011 21:10

Suntangirl. A Tory councillor you say? Who'd believe such a thing!

Mdavza. Can your friend hear the alarm bells, or is 'lurve blindness' drowning them out? That's a pretty big 'fuck you' in my book.

OP posts:
IQuiteLikeVodka · 08/03/2011 21:28

Asking questions about your previous sexual encounters then storming off and calling you a slag when he didnt like the answers

IQuiteLikeVodka · 08/03/2011 21:29

and that was only because he knew someone I had slept with in the past,way before I met him...nothing outrageous

IQuiteLikeVodka · 08/03/2011 21:31

Ringing you up for the first time ever and saying 'so when are you going to have me round for tea?'

molemesseskilledIpom · 09/03/2011 01:39

lol..I've had 2 of these so far. Not mentioning which ones.

Just as well I'm keeping this casual as I cant be bothered with a bloke in my life just yet.

BerryinClover · 09/03/2011 01:50

Full of compliments at first, then soon criticising your clothes and advising you what you should wear.

snowymum · 09/03/2011 08:06

I wish I'd seen the warning signs earlier, there were so many and I'm an idiot - but my ex invented three children. This was so he had the perfect excuse to maintain multiple relationships. At any one time he had two or three women on the go, each of us thought we were the one and only and were going to get married and have kids. Having imaginary kids meant he could leave at the drop of a hat to pick them up / take them to hospital when they fell down / go outside for long conversations with their difficult mothers...

[shakes head]

IQuiteLikeVodka · 09/03/2011 08:23

oh my God I've just remembered another one,said by the same bloke 'you didn't look great when I met you but I could tell you had potential'.....aaarrgg why didn't I go with my gut feeling?!

nenevomito · 09/03/2011 08:38

The man who said that he felt like there were two people trapped inside his body and one of them wasn't nice and he was constantly fighting it.

I had to get a friend to rescue me from that date. He was scary.

BertieBotts · 09/03/2011 08:51

Mine was (after less than 24 hours) "Is this a serious relationship, then? Because I can't handle it if you're just going to get bored of me in 2 months. I need to know now whether you are serious about me." (And refusing to take "It's too soon to tell" as an answer because apparently that meant I didn't care) Confused I was 18 and had fancied him since I was 15 so naively went along with it anyway thinking I would kick myself if I didn't. Blush

Mind you, even before I went out with him, when I was 15, my mum thought it was hilarious that I fancied him and asked him casually in front of me whether he had a girlfriend. "Oh I did," he said, "but she cheated on me with my mate." "Oh dear," said my Mum, "I expect he's an ex-mate now then?" "Yeah,he replied. "I put him in hospital."

Shock Shock WTF??? Why did my mum not immediately steer me away from the violent thug? No, instead we spent the day giggling about it and plotting how I could ask him out Hmm

BertieBotts · 09/03/2011 08:52

Babyheave, that is terrifying! Lucky escape there :)

sungirltan · 09/03/2011 11:45

belle - i know! i might have to look him up and see if he was elected!

phew - he came 2nd.

anyway sadly i have more of these......guy who was so nervous on the date he oculd barely speak! that was fun. guy i saw for a couple of weeks until i got busy with other stuff and then he texted me non stop for days and then threatened me.

guy i dated for a while took me to visit some friends one night. when we arrived at the house there were 5 audi tts sitting outside. i spent the evening pretty much listening to them all talking about the audis.

Original poster
BelleBelicious · 09/03/2011 11:59

Oh SGT, and Audi TT evening, I hope you'd dressed up for it. Do you think you attract a 'type'?

Snowy I love the 3 imaginary children, that's genius. You could get an interview in CHAT magazine or something, with a picture of you looking sad and a headline 'When he told me he had 3 kids, but he meant 3 other women' (if you're desperate for money, and don't mind all the neighbours pointing and laughing at you).
But I'm not sure it counts as an alarm/red flag because you presumably you didn't know they were imaginary.
Where as if he started talking to an empty chair, because Poppy wanted a glass of milk, that would be an alarm bell.

OP posts:
sungirltan · 09/03/2011 12:09

he he

a friend of mine's wedding was covered by 'take a break' mag. it wasn't a flattering story.

belle - type? no, when i lived in leicester ALL the men i dated were like this. dh nearly wee'd himself laughing when we went up for a wedding and all the men had highlighted spiky hair dos and fake tans. they are like the jeremy clarkson stereotype tt drivers :-)

snowymum · 09/03/2011 14:19

Belle - you're right about it not being a warning as such, I think I suddenly felt the need to share and this thread happened to be here. I have already had enormous personal embarrassment from it as my business partner and I decided to go public on it, to warn other women. Here's the whole rotten story if you're interested. Plus he recorded phone calls between us and posted them, as well as some, ahem, personal emails I'd sent him, on his blog. Nasty.

Original poster
BelleBelicious · 09/03/2011 15:52

Oh God Snowy. Sorry, that's awful. Glad you got away, but I'm sure it's left its mark.

These people (mentally deranged? personality disordered?)are very good at lying, so it's so hard to suss them out - and I guess they don't even know the difference between reality and their made-up worlds. I'm quite good at spotting liars nowadays - but when they believe their lies, well that's something else.

You should definitely write about it, if you can bring yourself to.

OP posts:
snowymum · 09/03/2011 16:13

Well, the fucker reported me to the police, spuriously, for harassment (ha) so I have to tread quite carefully in terms of what I say about him as technically I can be arrested.

Sub-criminal sociopath, is the phrase. Maybe I'll start a thread on what to look out for.

Original poster
BelleBelicious · 09/03/2011 18:14

Sub-criminal sociopath. Jesus, another fucker to look out for.

Hope you're OK Snowy. Maybe a thread would be good.

OP posts:
Krepsly · 09/03/2011 18:38

From my last two disasterous relationships my alarm bells in the future would sound if:

He was really tight with money, penny counted, asked me to "go halves" on petty ammounts, showed signs of dishonesty where money was concerned (eg. telling someone he'd sold their item for them for £10 when really he'd got £20 for it) and being in debt yet still buying pointless stuff. Also if he bought "toys" such as designer clothes, mobile phones, games etc whilst complaining that he was skint.

Mummy's boys would definately be kicked back through the front door. Any man who uses his mother as a cash machine/personal house-keeper etc really needs to grow up.

Anyone who is an aggressive twat behind a steering wheel is probably an aggressive twat behind other closed doors too. Therefore, any road rage would put me right off.

My alarm bells would ring if a man looked to severely lack in confidence. Made derogitory comments about other people and always looked for ways to put others down. Its only a matter of time before he starts with you.

Control Freak - Offering to do something for someone is nice. Insisting on doing it for them is being controlling. I now know the difference and recognise how it escalates!!

Last man alarm bell would sound if he couldnt keep up a conversation. If after the second date you're running out of stuff to talk about, imagine what it would be like after a year. If he doesnt make the effort to communicate, I certainly won't waste my time.

sungirltan · 09/03/2011 19:54

kresply - agree with all - especially the mummies boys. when i had a dating criteria it listed 'men who still live at home for no good reason past 25' as a definite no no.

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