Can you get better at confronting people?

[alligatorpurse]

I am so bad at this and really want to become more assertive in more "confrontational" situations. I'm not sure how or if it's even possible.

To give an example: I have a friend who, although kind, helpful and generous, has a tendency to be rather bossy and to try to take over situations. The other day we were at a childrens' party with our dcs, in a large soft play. My older ds had to come along but I ordered food separately for him.

When they had a pinata, the mum of the birthday child invited my ds to have a go as well, but when he came back to me he was crying because another boy had apparently "stolen" some of his sweets. I didn't see what actually happened and my ds can be very emotional and dramatic in these situations. But, I do think I know how to handle him from experience, and although everyone was looking over to see what the loud crying was about, I just kept saying to him "Oh I'm sorry DS, it's not nice is it when someone takes your sweets" etc etc. He still had a decent amount and a few people started to make comments along the lines of "well you've still got a lot". That was the first thing, Then, my bossy friend zooms over and says to me "He was allowed to do the pinata, the mum said he could, so stop giving him grief will you?" Then she marched off. I said "I'm not giving him grief", but she didn't hear me.

I spent the rest of the party fuming about it, but didn't say anything. I'm even worse with my parents, I can't even disagree with them about something impersonal!

How do I become more assertive in these situations? Please help me!

Avoid bossy outspoken people to start with . Your freind sounds horrible and had no right to comment .

It does take practise , and i think it starts with having very clear ideas about what you will and wont put up with . If you had already set yourself some boundarys you probably would have noticed your freind doing that very early on and chosen not to become freinds with her .

Do you feel you could raise it with your freind now ?

I would have just have asked her what the heck she was talking about. She got the wrong end of the stick. If you spent the rest of the party silently fuming, and not putting her right, it's almost passive aggressive.

Does she do this type of thing often though?

This is a very helpful introduction to standing up for yourself.

But I should have said, even if you had been berating your child, it's none of her business, unless you asked for her opinion.

A smiley 'let me handle this' should suffice.

Perfumed makes a good point - do it 'smiley'. I have become very assertive by being genuinely fair and pleasant. I was taught this by someone I worked for - its genius! Really puts you in the driving seat as there is nothing for bystanders to gawp at and you seem more reasonable and so more easy to accept or agree with.

With people I know well, which can sometimes make things more awkward, I often use humour. But I'd only do this if you are a habitual joker (I am) and are reasonably funny as if you force it, it can seem rude or sarcastic.

Your friend certainly seems to have got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe talk about the incident and clear the air. I hate childrens parties because they are just chaos and it would be easy for me to get mixed-up about an event in this situation!

Thanks everyone.

Annie I will look at that link right now.

Yes my friend is often like that. I have stood up to her occasionally - she always brings lots of sweets and rubbish when we go out and I bring fruit etc. If my dcs start comparing the snacks, she immediately tells them "it's all right, you can share our sweets". I have said to my dcs that no, they can eat the snack I brought first, and I've said to my friend that I don't want them eating sweets every day. I had to say it several times though before she finally backed off.

Dignified I don't really want to raise it now, I should have just said something at the time. Could you explain more about boundaries - I wouldn't say she's my friend in the sense of talking personally etc, just someone I socialise with mainly because our dcs get along well. I think she has her own issues actually, so I do want to treat her kindly.

Perfumed I am aware it's verging on passive aggressive. I really don't want that. My upbringing allowed no expression of emotions and that's the way I still behave with my parents. I have learned to be much more assertive generally, and can confront my DH about problems, just not other people yet.

RudeEnglishLady, I think some people naturally have that skill! My BIL can do that thing where he gets his point across but in a jokey way which is hard to take offence at.

The smiley thing I will try though.

Do you need a new friend? You don't seem to like this one much.

I like lots of things about her, but she's a bit nuch and better in small doses. I have many other friends, thanks, I'm ok.

much even.

She is undermining you with the sweets thing. I wouldn't be happy with that either. Have a think about this. What she is, in effect, doing is telling your child that she is the fun mum, that she knows better what he would like/should have. She is taking away some of your power. I know that sounds like I'm overstating it, but it's nevertheless true. She is disrespecting your boundries re the sweets/other things.

Don't allow her, she is doing it because she can. It's sad this is the way your parents were, and you really don't want to pass it on to your dd. Learning to say no, and not worrying about always appearing sweet, and pliable, are very useful and empowering life skills.

Practice at home, with phone calls if it's easier. You will feel so much better for it. I wish you well xx

Couldn't agree more, perfumed. I am learning to be confident in the way I raise my dcs, and to not be swayed by what people around me think when they are kicking off in public. It's hard, but I want them to be able to express themselves the way I could not as a child. But they also need to know that I won't bow to pressure the other way either - the giving into sweets etc because I don't want to have an awkward situation with my friend. I have to be much more forceful in these situations than comes naturally to me.

I manage this with DH, working on friends, can't imagine doing it with my parents! That would be another thread....

Theres differant ways of looking at this i think. I remember talking to a counseller about this and she said you have an obligation to state clearly when someone has crossed the line. By not doing so you give them permission to do it again , often they dont know theyve upset you and obviously continue.

I too find it hard to be assertive , and i get cross when people do this sort of thing. I find myself wondering if i really want to be around people who have to be told what is and isnt ok behaviour , it gets tiresome and can become a bit like parenting a small child.I usually give people a few chances then i call it quits or minimize the amount of time i have to spend with them. Why bother ?

Dealing with it with humour can work and is something i do sometimes .

Yes, I don't particularly initiate contact with this person, but our dcs get on very well so I don't want to get in the way of that. We are in the same "group" of friends with similar age dcs.

This person is just one example though, I have always found it hard to stand up for myself. I think with the "appearance is the most important" upbringing I had, I was either going to become quite passive in the short term or rebel in a big way! ( I didn't).

Annie that books looks very interesting.

From what the reviews/summary says, my friend would definitely fall into the "aggressive" category, and my mother into the "indirect manipulation"!

Im going to get that book.

i think self confidence and assertiveness go together in many ways.

when you feel okay with yourself as a person you are able to handle criticism better - even seeing it as a useful tool. this means you can sometimes see it as a fair comment (in which case thank the person for pointing it out) or unfair comment (in which case calmly interrogate the criticism.

so with the case of the mothers saying "stop giving him grief" an assertive response might have been - "it's interesting you say that because i really don't feel i am giving him grief, what makes you think that i am?"

acknowledging the others persons point of view (and their right to have it) is as important and then asserting your own position.

I am not the most confident person, you are right. But I'm much better than I used to be. What you suggest would have been just right, I wish I could think of these things at the time.

it's all about practice. don't beat yourself up about it. the more time you spend thinking "what would the assertive response have been", the more it will come naturally at the time.

chances are you are not going to get it right every time - most of us don't.

I think it's easier if you don't see it as "confronting people" which sounds very aggressive and unpleasant, but "putting your side of the argument" which sounds more rational and fair.
I thin it's best done immediately someone says something you disagree with. Dwelling on it and bottling stuff up tends to mean people come out with OTT shouty responses that make them look like hysterical harpies rather than someone calmly putting their view across.
Also don't see it as a competition and don't expect the other person to change their view just because you hold a different one. They are as entitled to their opinion as you are to yours.