Custody/access and house issues

[Dee34]

I have posted another thread about splitting up with my PITA ex, but have some specific custody and house issues that I would greatly appreciate some advice on and which may get lost in the other thread as I vent about the mad going-ons of ex and his crazy in love OW.....

Basically, we have a 2.5 year old son. Ex wants to go for joint custody, I would prefer 1 night in the week and every other weekend. He has joint parental responsibility as his name is on the birth certificate (though we were not married).

Ex has left us for OW who is an american (met on a business trip back in Oct), but she is moving over her to be with him and will be living with him as and when she gets here (reckon it will be April/May time according to the rough timelines he gave me back in Jan/Feb).

Ex has only spent around 26 days or so physically in this OW's company since meeting mid-Oct. Rest of their relationship has been built on daily email/skype/text/calls etc. I fear he knows nothing about her and is exposing our son to her. He has already made stupid comment when I have asked something of him along the lines of 'oh, yes, OW is on the same page and she agrees with you!!!' and this was on a parenting matter she has no say in!

Our house is in joint names, so equity split 50/50.

My concerns:

1. DS currently spends the nights here with me in the old family home, which we are selling. Ex comes over to give him bath and play with him as and when he chooses. I need to stop this and get some structure. But, if I say, only come on a Monday and Wednesday, I feel that he will then proceed to rush through to have proper joint custody in place. I would like to take this slowly, for DS sake, as he is used to having me be his main caregiver, getting up wit him in the mornings, night etc. Of course, there is also an element of me not wanting to 'let go' of DS and I am very, very upset and anxious that I will have to see less of DS. If I do say only come round on x nights and then also I want DS to build up to an overnight at ex's am I being unfair (to DS? Dont give a flying monkeys about ex at this moment in time)?

1. In terms of build-up towards joint access, is it reasonable for me to ask for this? I was thinking along the lines of spending x weeks with DS spending the evening at ex's and then bringing him back to old family home. Then x weeks of him having an overnight stay and then building up towards a weekend. We did start this a couple of weeks ago with DS going to see ex's new house and play there for a while, but ex has now buggered off to America to go and see OW so not sure how we will pick this back up again.....

1. What access/joint custody arrangements have worked out for you? I assumed the every other weekend stance as this seemed to be what was the norm on various family/parenting websites. Ex has a demanding job, so am quietly thinking that he will struggle to meet 2 set nights a week and every other weekend.....Also, I am due to start a full-time job on Monday. All very sudden and a direct result of being left in the shit by ex (he earns a lot of money and doesn't look like he wants to share any of it, bar the bare minimum now he has someone else). Am dreading the thought of having to work all week and then have some weekends where I wont see DS.....Whereas ex is used to travelling away (he totted up around 7-9 weeks solid of business related travel last year, not including days where he left early and came home late so didn't see DS all day anyway. And since ditching us after Christmas, has had 2 long weekends away seeing his parents, a 3 night work trip to X and a 1 night work trip to Y and of course his current holiday of 6 nights. Plus similar long working days when he has not been here to see DS).....

1. How would you play things as and when the OW moves here? Should I ask that DS stops spending nights there for a while, or will this just set DS back (and play into ex's hands as he is given a free reign to play the cozy couple act whilst I bear the brunt of child-rearing?).

1. On the house front, we have a massive house to now sell. I cant keep it on, even with benefits and new salary, plus, think ex will want to pull his equity out of the house (as do I, want to move on now). Trouble is, I am now worrying that I will be stuck here for a long time. We did have one offer, but rejected it, as it was 20k under asking price. On reflection, I think we were too hasty and think ex is being unreasonable. As said, he earns a pile and will be moving in with someone else in a few months time, so its all hunky-dory for him. He has said that he will continue to stump up his share of the mortgage/bills, but, again, fearful that this 'generosity' will soon expire, esp when OW arrives here....WWYD? I have tried explaining to him that as we are splitting, we will be hit financially but he doesn't want to hear this....He has even suggested that if the worse gets to the worst, HE can buy my share of the house! The idea of him moving her in here makes me sick, though he says that he promises he wouldn't move in, he would rent it out and that OW doesn't even want to live there anyway because of association with me.....

Hi Dee - I have read some of your other thread and sad to hear about the way you have been treated.

I'll try to answer your questions (briefly!):

(1) There is no such thing as custody in UK law. It is called residency and the "norm" is shared residency, but with a main carer (you) as this is usually the best for the child. If you can agree arrangements with your ex then that is best. If a court get involved they are likely to go with alternate weekends and some time during the week (possibly including an overnight stay). But it will be up to the judge. The court is unlikely to take into account the arguments between the separating parents unless abuse/drugs/other bad stuff etc are involved.

(2) Yes it is reasonable. As long as you are making arrangements with the best interests of your son at heart (and you are), you are doing the right thing.

(3) Sadly none, but I am an extreme case. Your norm sounds right. As you will both be working your ex will be expected to do his fair share, but it is very difficult to force a non-resident parent to see/care for a child. Hopefully your ex will realise that in the long run it is in his interests to have a good releationship with his son.

(4) Hopefully your ex will be sensitive to the affect on his son. However he is your son's father and when in his care it is up to him to decide who your son meets and when.

(5) As you were not married, you would get 50% of the house proceeds if you decide to sell as the house was jointly owned. But I would consult a lawyer on this as you may be able to decide not to sell. On the money side, you will get 15% of his net income as child maintenance from the CSA, but adjusted for any regular nights your son spends with his father.

Hope this helps. Make sure you look after yourself, its easy for things to get on top of you when going through something as horrible as this. Things do get better over time.

Take care.

The easier item first - 20k doesn't seem that much money (especially if big house in South east?) hope that you get other offers as I think it's best if the house sells, I kept mine (bought out ex) but I do wonder if it prevented me from a new life..a house is just a building, you can make any place a home for you and your ds. Focus on getting the right community, schools etc for you. Don't worry or even attempt to follow what the ex does, he's making crazy decisions that will affect his life in the longer term.

I might suggest your ex has overnight contact, unless you feel he is completely useless and ds would be at risk. The reason for this is that overnight contact will happen at some stage, I'm not sure you'll ever feel happy about it and you will worry, that is natural.

If your ex has a hectic work schedule is it likely his work will accomodate fixed days when he picks up ds? Is that realistic or is he at such a senior level that it would be impossible? If so then you might have to suggest to him it is 1 day and you will be flexible about that day, maybe with a months notice (rather than a fixed evening). If he proposes more days you could agree but perhaps they would be fixed and therefore if he is away travelling he loses that time.

I really hope he doesn't rush the introductions to your ds of the OW but I think he will..I know a woman who did this and of course that relationship ended and then a new man was introduced. Sadly some parents just won't listen to reasoned debate and insist on putting their own needs first.

What you have to believe is that your son will be OK, honestly he will. You may hurt like mad but we often have to let our children go. Consider the scenario to be like nursery school where a child interacts with many staff. The OW will be like this - you and your ex are the parents no one can alter that.

Good luck with the job - you are on the way up, life will get better for you

Thanks for the replies.

JeffTracy - thanks, you have pretty much confirmed what I knew deep down. In terms of building up access ex has in his new home, my main concern is that he needs to get himself sorted out and start taking proper responsibility, but then on the other hand, if I am there to always do everything, he will never learn. I am concerned about the whole sleep thing - will take a long old slog to get DS back on the good sleep train and not sure ex has the patience to get on board, though guess I need to adopt the 'well, he has to!' attitude!

Smum99 - Ex has no 'choice' really (or, do I mean, DS has no choice?). Ex is choosing to live with her from the day she arrives. By that time, I am guessing he will be having DS over to stay with him, so dreading that. But trying not to overthink or obsess on this.........Ex is in sales, so very customer driven and lots of corporate entertaining. Not sure how he will manage this as not sure if he will have flexibility his end to say to his customers, I would love to take you out for a meal, but can only do x or y days of the week? Guess it must be possible (or are all successful sales bods, ably supported by a DW/F/GF or separated?!). I think he will get a bit of a shock soon....

Ok if you are really worried about the contact side of things, ask your solicitor about an interm residency order, this can be obtained very quickly aprx a week. Basically it means that the child stays with you & he cannot take ds away full stop (without your agreement). Obviously you are not with holding contact & you will be able to work out(reasonable/acceptable) contact between you without the threat of custody from dp.
After this has been done & in the near future things dont work out, the interm order/paperwork & details will sit with your lawyer ready to go back to court & you can go for soul custody of the child, if this happened the court would thrash out the contact arrangements & maintenance money & joint issues.
You have a year leeway with this. If things work out ok then you leave it & don't have to go to court as there would be no need. If he is threatening solicitors/court action it is best for you to get in first imo & once you have the first stages in place it can be much easier for you to deal with should things start to get messy.
Hope this helps.

you were not married - contact /redsidency adn money issues are completely separate.

contact - yes you can aply for interim or residence order with set contact arangements - but you sould try going to mediaiton first.

money/property - again try mediation - CSA for maintenance but re: property it's complicated TOLATA applicaton, probably combined with schedule 1 chidlrens act to cover needs of child eg to reside with you.

this article explains
www.edwardsduthie.com/case-plan-for-trust-of-land-act-(with-children).html

there is 50/50 but if you have residence of child thenyou could have some of his share in trust for child ...