grumpy husband

[laura1970]

How do I help my husband become less grumpy? We have 3 kids under 5 and both work full time, life is a bit stressfull. I can deal with the kids what I cant deal with is my husband! He gets grumpy when things get stressfull and takes it out on us. He nags and critisises us and shouts and swears at the kids. When he is in a good mood he is a great dad but when he is grumpy he makes our lives miserable. I am generally a very cheerfull person but he is wearing me down!

I was going to post pretty much the same thing today!

I've had similar issues with my DH and having done some reading up, we (DH and I) have concluded that he gets like this when suffering from stress/mild depression (take a look at the online depression diagnosis tools and encourage your DH to do the same).

It's important that you tell your DH when he is being like this, and also that he recognises when he's being like this and why (and ideally that he apologises for being like it). Then you can look at the triggers and rationalise it and/or take action.

By "take action" I mean find some outlets for his stress. It might be as simple as taking a half-day off work, having a lie-in at the weekend or you taking the kids out of the house for an hour or two, having a beer after work with a friend, or maybe he needs to go to the gym and pound the treadmill?

Also make sure you get some time out yourself and a couple of hours as a couple every now and again (once a month?). Easier said than done with small kids, I know.

But please don't just dismiss it as grumpiness (although it might be!). I have seen a male colleague with three small kids descend into full-blown depression and it started like this.

BTW, I once posted a thread like this about my DH and was told to a) leave him and b) he was having an affair. Utter nonsense! Just be prepared in case anyone does say this.

laura

You write he is a good dad but I do note you do not record at all your own feelings towards him. He is clearly not a "good dad" if he is treating you all like this. Swearing at the children is a complete no. How do you react when that happens?.

What does he get grumpy about, what triggers it?. Or is there no particular trigger.

Is he really taking responsibility for his actions here?. If not then he needs to start acting more responsibly here and take proper ownership of the underlying issues. You sound far more worried about his problem than he is.

How does he act around other people, is he just as angry with them or is he reserving all this for you as his family?.

You need to also consider what both of you are teaching the children here about relationships. What would your H's response be to that question?.

Attila

I would say that 90% of the time he is a good dad but when things get stressfull (we currently have no kitchen while ours is refitted)he tends to get grumpy. On the occations when he swears at the kids I calmly ask him not to and he always stops. He does take responsibility for his actions and is very concerned about his behaviour. Any damage done to the kids from his grumpyness would be far outweighed by the damage that would be done to them by leaving him, they adore him and so do I.

I think all in all I will sit down with him tonight and plan some stratagies for him to cope with the stress more successfully, I did not marry him to bail out so easily.

Good luck laura, I hope he reacts positively. It sounds like he will.