Boe

[Jemma7]

Boe, Just read your message on Janstars thread................

Sorry you've had an awful weekend - Is everything OK?

Don't mean to pry, just wondered if u wanted to talk.

Jems x

Not bad Jemma - although fear of god went through me when I saw my name up their in lights!!

Just the usual and got my period today which always makes me sad (secretly wishing for that big mistake although I know it is a really bad time and I already have a perfect DD so have nothing to whinge about really in terms of babies etc).

Just spent the whole wekend feeling totally unworthy - of DPs love mostly - I look at him and cannot understand why on earth he loves me, he is so fantastic and handsome and kind and everything you could possibly want in a man - I just don't think I am good ebough for him.

I know this sounds silly and a bit self absorbed but I am so scared of it all ending, of him meeting someone who is actually his equal, pretty, clever and with no baggage (that is what prompted diatribe from BF). ALso recently went out with a wife of one fo his friends and she asked me if I was insecure because 'I am not exactley a cath) - asked her what she meant and she went on to say how great he was and did I not realise how lucky I was because I have 'baggage' - part of me wanted to clump her for even daring to describe DD as baggage and part of me wanted to ask her why she felt this and what was so bad about me - I just agreed with her.

Sorry am being an idiot - I know it is from awful parents and awful x2b who have used making me feel bad about myself to control me but sometimes I slip back and start believing them again.

I have also told DP a big lie - I told him that I never wanted to get married again - and I do so badly -I just thought it wouldbe easier if he thought I didn't so I did not appear too desperate but I could not have children outside marraige I don't think and I would love to be his wife and the mother of his children.

God I am sorry - what a self pitying dolt I am - compared to some people I should be happy with my lot I suposse.

Boe

Speaking from a mans point of view tell him you do want to get married again but only when the time is right and that might be years away. It is a lot easier to accept than someone never wanting to get married again.

Don't believe in what friends say about you being lucky to have him because of the baggage, he obviously loves you for who and what you are, and that is as a very special person and a loving mother.

Also no-one needs ever be happy with their lot, if you don't try to improve it then you an get stuck but be aware of how much better it may be than others around you and take comfort in that.

Hi Boe, Not had any experience myself but do know someone in similar circs. She told him she never wanted to get married again. He nearly left her because he thought that she didn't want to marry HIM. She ended up spilling everything and they did get back on track. I go along with Simon, DP loves you for who you are, baggage and all. Don't listen to that woman, she obviously has a problem and by putting you down it makes her feel better about herself. Be honest with yourself and DP and things will work out for the best. xx

Does that woman fancy him? She must feel very unhappy with her lot to be trying to make you feel bad.

Your dp is lucky to have you and I'm sorry that you had such a bad time, what a witch she is!

Hi Boe - thanks so much for your earlier message. It did make me feel much more like going actually - but I will talk about that some other time on the appropriate thread.

I also told my dh that I didn't want to marry again. In fact it had been true for years until I met him then all of a sudden - wham! I wanted to marry him and it really did my head in that he didn't seem interested. I tried not to say anything but if your feelings are so strong they burst out, don't they. Once he knew how I felt it turned out he only shied away from the idea because of what I'd said previously. We had a wonderful wedding and have been married four years.

I too felt as you do that my dh was a dream come true, sometimes I thought it was all a big joke that he could be in love with me, and expected him to turn round one day and say ha ha ha, only joking, what made you think anyone would want you! But it said more about my past and my view of myself than anything real. Actually in the 5 1/2 years I have known him I have found some faults in this super-guy, he is no angel, and I am sure your dp will turn out to be human at some stage. But never mind, my dh is still a wonderful guy - and I won't feel so bad if I mess up occasionally now.

I read a quote in a book once, where someone had fallen in love and she said she had found the person she did not know she could hope for. It made me cry because I understood what it meant.

Thanks all - feel like a national treasure or a freak show - somewhere between the two at the moment - and very touched that someone started this (thanks Jemma)

Jenie - I think she may fancy him - she has said some weird things like she was cross because he never told her about me and she did not know what all the fuss was about - infact I told him not to - I just felt so raw that I did not want to have to meet other people and explain that I was getting divorced etc...

Janstart - thanks for what you said - it is probably true that I hold him on a pedestal but he is so different to x2b that I am having huge trouble believing we are together and he wants me - as for the marraige thing - it may come out oneday but I have known hm (not been with hm) for exactley a year next week and I think it is a little early to talk about it with him, although we have discussed moving to Italy when we retire (weird eh - cannot utter M word but are already planning our retirement and me not 30 yet!!) Have also written down your quote and will one day use it - maybe on our wedding day!!

Thanks all do feel a whole lot better now, you are great friends althoguh I do not really know any of you, I feel privaledged that you would take the time to put your kind words on here. XXX

Boe - know your feelings slightly.

DP and I have been together for 4 years and there has been absolutely no suggestion of him proposing.

Don't get me wrong we have talked about it and discussed who we would invite and what it would be like but i can honestly never ever see my DP proposing! ;(

It doesn't help that my brother and his DP are getting married but until 2005 and in whioch time of course no-one else in the family can do anything that night steel their limelight!

Therefore even if he proposed on their bloody wedding (Which he wouldn't, and i would be furious with if he did) we would've been together at least 7 years by the time we actually got married!

He knows i want to get married but i find myself trying not to mention it as i think more and more that it isn't important to him!

Jemma - what do you think he would say if you asked him???

TBH i think it would make him feel less like a man.....

Stupid i know but we are both quite set in our ways - i think he would be upset if i asked him bcause he believes he should do the asking and i don't think i would want to.

I know it's old fashioned but i would want him to ask my dad's permission first and do everything the old fashioned way!

We were joking around at the weekend about it and i asked if he honestly thought we would ever get married and he said definitely but he has just been waiting for the right time.

I know it's selfish but now with Brother getting married in 2005 we have no choice but to wait until after then because i would not want to take away from their special time and DP would not do it because he has already said to my other brother that it would seem like he didn't have the initiative to ask of his own accord and only thought about it once someone else had done it.........(did that make sense?)

I understand - had a friend of a friend who asked her boyfriend and all seemed a bit weird to me - I want to feel adored and me doing the asking would not achieve that.

Hang in there - he may feel a little more inclined when the ttc comes to fruition (which I am sure it will soon fx). Weddings take a long time to plan and you have to find the right venue and church and all that malarky - he sounds as though he will ask you though.

You could always go a bit bunny boiler and start buying the magazines and squirreling away ideas so you have it all worked out when he does ask - may just stave off the longings for a while.

And as someone who has already been married I would say that it does not change anything at all - when I married x2b I think I got married cause I wanted 'to be married' when I think of marrying DP I think actually be part of his life forever. Silly of me first time round but I was young and niave and that shows inthe bad mistake I made!!

How old were you if you don't mind me asking Boe?

I have asked myself the same question - whether i actually want to get married for the sake of being "Married" or if i want to do it to show how much i love DP and it is obviousy to me this is the next step!

We have been together 4 years, own a house together, are ttc, so surely this is the only thing left to do!

I was 24 when he asked me - 25 when I got married.

It was such a huge mistake from the beginning and I never felt about him like I do about DP - DP I want to crawl inside of and actually be inside his skin - sounds creepy doesn't it but I just can't get close enough to him. (Yes this sounds weird).

Jemma - think about it very carefully - don't do it because of the day, the dress, the party, the trimmings - do it because you want to be with him forever becuase you cannot imagine yourself with anyone else and because you feel that he is everything you have ever wished for.

Romantic twaddle this sounds like but I can honestly say that when it is right you will instinctively know.

I should've said "I have actually asked myself the question.........................and came to the conclusion that i do want to be with him forever and i just want everything to be right between us and do all the things people are supposed to do"

Don't get me wrong, i know marriage isn't all it's cracke dup to be - i know people who have been happily together for 8 years and then got married and everything went wrong.

It obviously just means more to me than DP - I think his attitude is "If it aint broke, don't fix it"

Prob just being silly - he is just the sort of person you could never imagine actually getting down on one knee and telling me he loves me, i am the most precious thing in the world and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me!
I know he thinks that but it would be nice to be told!