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Relationships

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Original poster

new baby and father won't live with us

16 replies

franny70 · 07/03/2011 20:51

I have a son age 7 from a previous relationship. I met my boyfriend a year ago and as I was 39 I discussed children as I didn't want to waste time. He was in to it and we seemed happy and excited until a few months into the pregnancy when he said it was best we didn't move in due to the pressure it would put everyone under including his 19 year daughter. I felt depressed for most of the pregnancy and though he visits us he has made no commitment to being a conventional family at any point. He complains about my sons father and I am doing all the childcare. He tells me he is proud of me. I worry about putting his name on the birth certificate and the impact on my children. I want to leave him but am scared he will ruin my life by our daughter living in two homes. I cant go through the split home thing again as it has not helped my son in any way. Please help me think this through

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 07/03/2011 20:57

How soon did you get pregnant? And what on earth was the rush??

zikes · 07/03/2011 21:16

I think you might be stuck with him having access to your daughter: she's got a right to know him whatever happens with your relationship (barring him being abusive etc).

You could give an ultimatum about your relationship, that either it becomes full-time living-together, or you split up, and see what happens? You'd have to be prepared to end it or for him to end it.

squeakytoy · 07/03/2011 22:25

Well if he is not living with you, you cant "leave" him, and it doesnt look like there is going to be a conventional family set up. Why on earth didnt you sort this before you rushed into getting pregnant!

I know thats a bit late to say now, but I think you have to face up to being a single mum in most respects. I am not sure how any of this would put pressure on his adult daughter either?

You should still respect your child by putting the fathers name on her birth certificate. He is her father wether he lives with you or not.

hairylights · 07/03/2011 22:27

boo that is a very insensitive question. The urge to have a child can be very string when you start to get out of your fertile years.

Clearly far from an ideal situation but no point beating yourself up over the decision you made. It's made and you can't go back.

Is he paying anything towards the babys upkeep and does he spend time with the baby?

It would not be right not to put his name on the birth cert .. The baby has a right to know who his father is.

colditz · 07/03/2011 22:28

CSA

suburbophobe · 07/03/2011 22:58

"The urge to have a child can be very string when you start to get out of your fertile years."

Oh really?

So why don't you go down to the RSPCA and rescue a pet?!

Complete boll*cs to bring a child into this world, just because "it's the end of your fertility"!!

That by the way is not aimed at you, OP
wish you all the best!

The only way to bring a child into this world is if you are willing to put yourself -and the dad, if he is not around - onto the back burner for about 18 years!
(been there and done it)!

BooBooGlass · 08/03/2011 07:40

Not insensitive at all. It sounds as if they rushed into the huge decision to have a child without any thought for their or that childs future. If you met a year ago and you have a baby now, you had been together a few months at most. That is just madness.

zikes · 08/03/2011 09:16

It's a bit pointless criticising her choices now. It is what it is.

waterrat · 08/03/2011 09:54

Blimey, the comments here are very unhelpful. The OP is asking for advice on what to do now - not lecturing on her past decisions.

Franny, you mustn't put up with a relationship that is all on his terms and makes you unhappy just to keep him in your child's life. That is bad for you and bad for your children.

Children need their parents to be strong and to be clear about what they will put up with from other people. If your childs father is treating you with disrespect and refusing to commit, and this is making you unhappy, then you need to end the relationship.

In terms of parenting, it might not be ideal but the father will obviously have to stay in your childs life. A split two parent life might not be ideal but your child will survive it.

It's not great - but it's better than you putting up with being treated badly. You can't live your life in a shit relationship.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 08/03/2011 11:02

you say you don't want to go down the split family route again but you might not have much choice.

you can't make him want to live with you. so rather than trying to change his decisions try to work with them to give your children the best parenting between you that you can manage.

sorry this must be very disappointing for you but you have to live with reality rather than forcing a dream.

SarahBumBarer · 08/03/2011 12:14

Does the 19 year old know about your DD?

I'm afraid it sounds to me like he is using his 19 year old DD as an excuse not to commit to you. Where this is the case there will always be an excuse and at some point he is likely to commit to someone and you will have to face the "split" that you are trying so hard to avoid.

It seems to me like there is not much to split. I know at the moment it probably feels manageable to you because he sees DD on your terms while she is with you but honestly I think you will feel much better much sooner if you take back control of your life.

sayithowitis · 08/03/2011 17:01

Honestly? It sounds to me as though he agreed to your desire to ttc at an early stage when he was still in the 'loved up' stage and as time has gone on, he has decided that maybe this is not the relationship for him.

I don't understand how he is going to ruin your life by having your dd living in two homes? I think you need to have a serious discussion with him about whether he really wants a 'couple' relationship with you, or whether he is looking at being an effective co-parent with you. If it is the former, then you may have to consider that he will never want to live with you and decide whether you can deal with it. If the latter, then , again, there will need to be a decision made regarding contact, financial support and childcare support.

Original poster

franny70 · 09/03/2011 19:02

Yes I think I have to face the lack of commitment regardless of his excuses. I just feel so stupid and I know hindsight is a great thing but it doesn't help now. I was in love with him and we were planning to live together until about half through the pregnancy. I suffered when my son's dad as abusive and now I mess up again this time. I don't want my daughter to live in two homes as this isn't optimum for children but she can't escape this if her dad won't live with us. It has really broken my heart. I know it is selfish but I just wanted a happy ending for once. Everything is on his terms.

OP posts:

Yika · 09/03/2011 20:30

Hi Franny, I have been in a somewhat similar situation but I was the one who failed to commit! I also rushed into pregnancy - I was 43 - so can totally understand your decision.

After a while I had reservations about the relationship, then found out I was pregnant, dithered about, and then finally when I decided I DID want it he had already moved on.

I agonised about putting his name on the birth certificate but I decided to and things are much more settled now after a few months.

Don't feel you have 'messed up'. The situation may not be ideal but is not the end of the world. It doesn't sound, from the little you've posted here, that he is a bad person or a bad father.

If you can come to terms with your disappointment and both be open and honest about where to go next there is nothing preventing you both being good parents to your new baby even if you are apart, and there is nothing preventing you pursuing your dream of creating a family home with someone else in the future.

Good luck!

Yika · 09/03/2011 20:34

PS Franny - does he want to continue in a relationship with you? Is it just that he doesn't want to move in?

waterrat · 09/03/2011 22:24

Franny - im sorry you are going through this. You should look into having some counselling - BACP website.

But - in the end, it really is better for your children that you are a strong single mother, than that they see you put up with being treated badly, or being unhappy day to day.

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