help need splitting up after 25 years

[partnerleft]

Hello
I?m new to mumsnet and just really need some support. Here is my story

5 years ago life was pretty good .My 2 boys were great, my partner and myself had good jobs and a good social life
We did frequently argue and considered breaking up BUT if we went out for the day .weekend or on holiday we were fantastic however put the key in the door and we would be off bickering both at fault but loved each other with a passion
We went to relate as we did not want to break up, it was at the time successful and throughout our sessions we decided to live separately, I would buy out his share of the house and would buy a house round the corner but stay as a couple and carry on doing things together and remain as a family
It was frought whilst we sorted out finances to say the least but then things calmed down we went house hunting together for his new place and booked a family holiday. He put in an offer on a lovely cottage just round the corner

Then unexpectedly we lost our gorgeous boy age 19. My son his stepson since he was 1 year old)
I cannot even begin to explain how my life fell apart I did have some kind of breakdown I could not function.The usual tale people I would have put money on being there for me I haven?t heard from since the f-, I had difficulty leaving the house and generally functioning and lost my job which was another major trauma. I think I cried non stop for 4 years, let myself go, drank to much, put a lot of weigh on etc etc

His new house we rented out as the reason for buying it had gone and we stayed in my house (which had been ours)

In addition to the loss of my job we had a legal case against the hospital an inquest that took 4 years and a general medical counsel hearing.My Partner constantly refused to look at medical records solicitor reports etc as he said he found it to hard, I had no choice and it became a real issue.He would come home from work and I would want to talk about what letter or report I had received that day but he would never ever do it , made me drink more.In this time I had found a new job which I hated and returned 4 days per week but he said that was lazy

We ?won? the legal case, then in 2009 he said he could not cope with my depression any more and moved back to his mums which I did find hard but he came and stayed over frequently for our younger son . He was always around at weekend, we continued to have family holidays abroad and some weekends away, still slept together and for me we were having the relationship we had decided to have via relate

The very traumatic inquest took 4 years and then in September a GMC hearing. Finally coming up to xmas this year I thought I was pulling myself together I lost some weight, got out a bit more with the dog ,really cut back drinking, felt I could go on. We had a nice xmas he stayed from xmas eve to 4 Jan and we did not argue at all.3 weeks ago we booked a weekend away for next week.
On Sunday I got a text about a romantic meal for 2 , only it wasn?t meant for me, After so much arguing he admitted he was seeing someone and had been since the beginning of December. There are no words to describe how I feel. He told me she was normal and he had had enough of my mental health problems .I lost my son for god?s sake
Problem is I love him and need him and I have changed but he is not interested I feel suicidal, cant stop drinking, now as well as awful thoughts of my son ,I am picturing him with her he won?t tell me anything about her and I really cannot cope.We have been together for 25 years and I just cannot cope with another loss.
I have just started AD but they are not helping .
Yesterday was his birthday and we went out for tea but he sais he was still seeing her. I asked if he loved me and he said yes, I asked if he loved he and he said no.
He says as far as he is concerned we were over when he moved out in 09 and does not see how I did not realize but I didn?t.

I really am not coping and would appreciate any advice
Thank you so much

Good grief partnerleft things have been extremely traumatic for you. It might take a while for your a/d to work and the ladies over in mental health will be able to advise you better (they are very helpful and kind).

You are dealing with a lot of loss, bereavement and change and sound completely overwhelmed by it all.

I don't think you can come to terms with this 'altogether' it would be about managing little things, taking small steps.

In terms of advice, cut out the drinking, it's a depressant, you will feel like shit physically and be more overwhelmed and de-motivated, things can be a lot more irrational with a drink.

I do suggest counselling, being in a safe place with someone you learn to trust, to provide some 'security' would be massively beneficial to you. It would be a process and may take a few sessions but it would be well worth it. Go to BACP website to find a counsellor near you. It's well worth it and could help provide you with an 'anchor'x

I wish I could offer you some comfort...a listening ear, a hug a dozen plates to smash, a room to scream in and a place to feel safe!

I don't really know what to say...it would never help and couldn't heal the unimaginable pain.

Someone will come along and say something worthwhile soon . Mumsnet is brilliant like that.

Stay safe x

Ah! see what I mean? lol
I went to answer my door befor coming back and posting my message........ Sorry helensmelons I see you came along with your helpful post befor I sent mine!

you poor thing xx

God Bless you, Partner. There are others more experienced than me that can provide comfort but I wanted to say you have had a lot to cope and more than most of us will ever know. My mum lost both her daughters and you have to dig deep to find some strength, however hard that may be and however impossible that will feel. Concentrate on being there for your other child and don't let go of that thought. Your other child needs you and you need him. Tale care and keep communicating.

Well I would have thought that the fact you were still sleeping together and his complete failure to tell you your relationship was over and that you were both free to pursue others, are the biggest clues of all...

He just doesn't want to call it infidelity, but by Christ it is.

I am hugely sceptical about him sending you a text meant for the OW by mistake. When this happens, it's entirely deliberate IME and is done to get the information out there; information that he was too cowardly to speak about in an open manner.

You've had the worst thing happen to you that I can imagine and this must feel like yet another huge loss. I wonder though, whether he is being as dishonest with this woman and is using her as a pawn to get the relationship problems sorted out once and for all? I have a feeling that she doesn't know you're still having sex and were to all intents and purposes, a couple who lived in separate houses.

I think you need to tell him what you want here. If you want him and can forgive this infidelity, then he must end this relationship forthwith. If on the other hand you can see benefits to parting now and it was a case of who flinched first, then while I think you have every right to feel angry with the way he has handled this, perhaps it's best to separate your interests and continue with an amicable co-parenting relationship, but separate lives.

Have you had any counselling for some of your awful traumas?

Hello everyone
Thank you so much for responding

My Gp has referred me for some counseling and he is very supportive, but I know in my heart our relationship is over. My partner (ex) just keeps saying, it?s over , he has had enough of me. I understand I have been so difficult to love with. I would gladly have him back but he refuses, says he still loves me and wants us to be friends.I have turned into a complete needy clingy mess and keep texting and phoning and he wont respond, I really really don?t know what I am going to do.I can?t eat , sleep think
Sorry for going on but I really really don?t know what to do

So sorry for your troubles, partner.

The antidepressants might take 2-3 weeks to kick in. Things might get a little more manageable then. But it isn't surprising that you are suffering: another loss on top of what you've been through must seem like the end of the world.

Relationships often don't survive the loss of a child. It's too big.

There isn't a glib answer for what you are suffering, only the knowledge that there are people who will walk a little way of your road with you, for a time. Even strangers like the folks in here.

If you feel right at the end of your tether the Samaritans are helpful. For day to day misery care for your other child and wait for the drugs to help and time to pass. It will.

Good luck.

I can't imagine what your going through, please keep posting on here and we'll do our best to do the walk with you.

I am so sorry for your loss, I do not have any advice other that to stay on MN, there is a massive amount of support and advice on here, and some very experienced people.

Look after yourself

Thank you everyone
I have such a dilemma this week; My youngest has his annual health check in London for his serious life threatening illness that he was born with. Some times we drive down occasionally get the train .2 weeks before I found out about the OW we decided we would go for 2 days and do some sightseeing as well as the hospital appointment.
He is now saying he wont come but that he may drive 180 miles alone to appointment then back, which is silly when the train tickets are here and paid for.
My son will be so hurt by this we had stuff planned that we wanted to do and I will find it so hard and lonely trying to do it on my own when he had agreed.
Should I ask again, beg, just go , really don?t want to do it alone ,what do I do

Partner, you poor thing what a terrible time you have had, I was actually moved to tears when I read your post. Some how you have to dig deep and find your inner strength, easier said than done I know. I don't want to bash your dp, I sure he has also been through such heartache. Please try to ease off the drink, it really only makes things worse ( trust me I know) do the counseling it will help.Somehow you have to be brave and try to focus on the future for your sake and your youngest, he needs you to be strong. He has lost a brother and probabaly feels he has lost his dad @ the moment. Keep posting I am sure there are lots of people who can offer good advise

Hello
still feeling totally overwhelmed, i really do think it's over and i have no idea what to do he has been in my life longer than he has not and i am so afraid

Partner. Sadly I am not one of the wise woman with amazing advice although you have had some here and may well find more on the mental health board or the bereavement board.

I cannot imagine how hard just getting out of bed must be for you. I think of all us have read your post and thought 'there for the grace of god'.

With regard to the London trip. I would ask him once more - rationally, calmly and stress that it is not for you it is for your son and if he still refuses, you will have to leave it. Do you have a friend or relative that could come with you so you are not doing it 'alone'?

Stick with the ADs - they can take time to work
Stick with the counselling - and if you feel it's not working, try a different kind/peson. It can take a while to get it right.

And in the meantime, try to be kind to yourself. I undestand completely your fear about losing another person, I really do. But even if you do lose your partner, it will not be as hard as your son and you have born that, and you will bear this.

All I can offer for comfort is that in another 4 years time, you will look back on this hellish period of your life and see how far you have come.

Very unmumsnetty hugs xxxxxxxxxx

I don't want to offend anyone, but is the Daily Mail 'borrowing' posts?

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1365437/BEL-MOONEY-I-lost-son-man-I-love-left-How-I-on.html

I thought this was strange, doesn't anyone else?

Or do journos regularly pinch posts?

No it is me , i was so desperate and reaching for help as i am at such a low point, i always read that column. the only good thing is that several friends that have not been in touch for a while clearly recognised it's me.

he has agreed to come to london but much as i love him i am being so desperate and needy i am just pushing him away even more and can't stop my self.He said he doean't love her and he still loves me then quickly change it to still cares for me.please can any one advice how to handle 2 days in london with him without completely making him despise me with my neediness

Hi everyone
i am so confused and upset
we went to London for sons hospital appointment and we had a wonderful time, walking about holding hands, laughing and joking still slept in same bed, so i thought we must be ok and this had all been a blip.But no it is over ,He said my grief over the past 5 years had worn him down and he could not live his life like that anymore.
Back to feeling sick and shacky and crying all the time , i can't believe it is over.
I need so much to stay his friend and keep seeing him as i really do love him and don't have the strength to but this is hurting so much, what can i do

Oh partner, Im sorry you are going through this. There are a few things to pick apart here.

Firstly - his behaviour so far has been extremely unkind. You are so lost in your absolute fear of losing him and your feelings of yet another loss in your life, that you are not able to reflect properly on what HE offers YOU.

You absolutely have got to get some space from him - so that you can see him properly for who he is. He has betrayed you, hurt you and is now hurting you more.

Secondly - even if you do still want him back, clinging like this, while totally understandable, will not work.You are losing your confidence and dignity- and more importantly - he is not being forced to really see what it is like to lose you.

Take a deep breath, this is going to be okay - you have got to stop seeing him. He will then realise what it is like to miss you - he needs to think you are really gone if there is going to be a chance of you two getting back together.

I know how hard it is - but think of it this way, this situation is hurting you more.

YOu really need to get distance to consider his faults/ the ways in which he has hurt you and let you down - please stop seeing him - get counselling.

If you and him are right, it will work but you have to consider whether it really is. Look back over the last few years and see how he has behaved and treated you - he is claiming you were nver together - that is so hurtful.

You can get through this - but you have got to remove him from your life, for now.

Waterrat is right.

As things stand he knows you are lonely, frightened and desperate to be with him at any cost. So he has nothing to lose by seeing the other woman and to-ing and fro-ing at will.

I believe he loves you but takes you for granted. He has been selfish in seeking solace away from your grief, and although it must have been exhausting at times, that is what partnership is about.

You absolutely do need to keep away from him for a while. Tell him you are looking after yourself and DS for a while and focus on doing that. It will be hard and lonely at times but it is a win win because the only outcomes can be:

1. He sees the independent woman he fell in love with, realises what a fool he has been and fights to win you back.

1. You become more independent, focus on yourslef and he doesn't try to get back with you. But you will have regained your dignity, some confidence and will be well on the way towards healing and moving on.

Either way you are out of the limbo.

My heart goes out to you, it really does. Please be strong.

Thank you both
and of course you are right but i'm not sure i have the strength not to see him.My fear is that if we don't see each other he will be relieved and be free to pursue his "relationship" with ow, as he def detached about 1 year ago, although i was too taken up with my grief to really realise and try and do something about it while i could
i can't bear after everything we have been through for him to even be close to another women and no doubt telling her how awful i have been for the past 5 years and maybe even discussing what happened with our eldest son
waiting for a counselling appointment , really need it ,
i need him and love him and not sure i can take another loss

I am really struggling to day, i can't stand the thought of him with this other woman after everything we shared.I tried to be strong and say i don't want to see him anymore (which is not true) but after he leaves i am in bits. He says he doesn't love her, it's not serious, she is just someone to go out with but he def does not want to be with me any more.
He says he will always love me but he still wants me in his life but not in a relationship , my head is every where i can't bare to loose him, but i can't bare this other women and at the moment i can see only one way out and i really dont want to do that
please any ideas on how to get him back
x

You really need to get some professional help, think you said you were arranging counselling.

So sorry to hear about the loss of your DS.

Really, really try to forget about getting your ex back. Concentrate on your needs and your DS. I think he is being incredibly cruel sending you mixed messages but look at his behaviour - you haven't lived together as a couple for many years and he is seeing someone else - it's over. It doesn't matter what his feelings are about the other woman - he sounds a coward anyway, with all this messing about.

Start planning your life without him is the best advice I can give you. Talk of winning people back is for teenagers....if he doesn't want to be with you let him go.

please do not torture yourself thinking of how to get him back.he has left and is with another woman,if he wanted to be with you he would be.Concentrate on starting to continue your life,but differently now.I expect you are feeling like its the end of the world,and at the moment it probably is ,but life can and will get better for you in time.There are loads of lovely people on here who can advise you and you will get lots of support too.Best of luck.