would you stay in a relationship for your lifestyle/kids sake?

[onanightlikethis]

we have been married 10 years. he loves me but doesnt really show it, never has been particularly affectionate. we both work hard, i do majority of housework/childcare/meal planning /shopping. over the years i have deskilled him, as its easier to do it myself. he has an ok relationship with the kids, but would never think to take tham to the park or out for a day. hes lost some respect with them as he can often be short tempered, and as a result, the kids rely heavily on me as the "fun" parent, and situations as him trying to put them to bed ends up in tears, as hes cant be bothered to read a story for example.so i end up stepping in, thus reinforcing the cycle.
i care for him, but no passion. sometimes i feel i live with him to keep our house/stability for the kids/lifestyle. he often travels away and its easier when hes gone but i know hes coming back.
his own childhood was differnt to mine, his family had a shop so his own dad worked 7 days and didnt have much time for him, whereas i was centre of my parents life.
we have spoken several times about his relationship to the kids but he cant seem to change.
i'm not depressed or"unhappy" per se, but not happy either. is anyone?is this what marraige is like 10 years in?
just wondered if anyone had anything to add?
thanks for reading.

My mum stayed in her dysfunctional relationship with my dadfor lifestyle reasons. Both myself & my brother are both pretty screwed up emotionally when it comes to relationships now because of this. You think children don't pick up on things if you hide them well but they do.

short answer -no. you are doing your kids no favours by setting them that example of a relationship.

This sounds exactly like my marriage of 12 years was - nothing majorly wrong but we were pretty much just living in the same house like lodgers, he paid no attention to me and none to the kids, and there was regular conflict between him and the kids as he had such a negative relationship with them.

We separated two years ago - at the time of separation he took it badly and kept trying to persuade me that we could make it work, disregarding the fact I'd spent several years trying to talk to him and find ways for us to make it work, all of which were met with derision and disinterest on his part.

Anyway, nearly a year after splitting up, he admitted that he's happier without us, he'd said at the time of the split that he found having a family 'a burden' and he much prefers now being able to spend his money and time how he likes.

I'm not thrilled that my marriage ended, to be honest, and I would rather we'd found a way to work things through and be happier, but that was never going to happen because he just didn't like what he had in life. Now, he's happier and the kids actually have a good relationship with him and enjoy spending time with him - he enjoys it too and makes an effort with them, because he only has to do it when he wants to and on his terms.

I'm not saying this is you or the way your marriage will go, but it's impossible to improve things when one partner has no interest in changing. In some ways it would have been much easier to just keep plodding along, financial security, stability for the kids etc, but I am pleased that ex is now happy in his life and that the kids and I can live how we want to, without dreading him coming home from work in a mood and casting that awful atmosphere over us all.

the thing is theres no awful moods and arguments, we still all can have a laugh together,but thanks for comments so far .

Probably would stay if it was as you describe OP with no moods and arguments etc.

I left mainly because of verbal and emotional abuse and his drinking for which he used family money. I couldn't stand to see him choosing drink over his kids any more.

However before that I knew he was unfaithful to me and stayed, it bothered me but as long as everything else was ok I could stand it. Once the kids started being affected by his selfishness, even though they were too young to realise I ended it. He still feels treated unfairly though, the unbelievable twat.

If you still care about each other and think that his own childhood has impacted on what kind of a father he is - perhaps you owe it to him to give him the chance to change this. How much have you discussed this with him? As you say, you have enabled it, which may have contributed to a sense within him that he is not good at it.

If every time he struggles with parenting you step in and everything is okay - that might be demoralising for him. Sometimes, over years we build up beliefs that confirm our fears. He may be aware that his children don't react as well to him as they do to you - which may then mean he backs away from spending time one on one with them.

He may need his confidence building up - and yes, as you say, his own experiences mean it's not as natural to him.

I know that on mumsnet there can be a bit of a push to end an unhappy relationship - and I agree with that a lot of the time. My parents were not right for each other and it was really best that they broke up - you could find that both you and him are much happier.

Certainly don't stay for the sake of stability/ your children/ your lifestyle. YOu only live once - you need to have a level of joy in your life that is beyond mundane stability.

but - there is also a level of commitment to a long term partner which means you should do your best to fix things if you can, before leaving. It sounds like your husband might need your support in parenting - what about sitting down and being really honest

Say that you can see you have played a part in it, but that you would like to help him have a happier relationship with the children - say the kids love and need him there. And then suggest counselling either for you both or for him alone if he wants to talk or look into things.

If he really doesnt want to change or can't - then, you have to do what you need to be happy - while obviously being kind to him in the process of ending it.

I stayed with my ex for the kids sake for far too long. I hated him, had for a long time, but my kids needed a stable home even though there was violence and had been for 13yrs.
We hadn't slept in the same bed for 8yrs. It all came to a head when he pushed my DS onto the sofa in a temper one night and that was it. I told him to leave. He had me trapped in the bedroom and the kids in another room screaming. I stood my ground and he left.
Kids don't need this kind of upbringing. I was always walking on eggshells. The kids are so much happier now

thanks water. its not affecting the kids, we still sleep in same bed, go out together occassionally,and hes never violent or abusive. its not deperatly bad, iyswim?

But its not desperately good or even sounds all that happy either. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

You have both played a part in getting this relationship the way it is. It will have to involve both of you to make changes. Your H may be actually quite happy in his own way and is therefore unable or unwilling to make any changes.

Would you want your children as adults to have the same sort of relationship that you currently have?.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?.

I agree that if you aren't happy you should end it - I'm grateful that years of fighting for womens rights mean women don't have to stay in unhappy relationships.

but - if there is love there, and it's been buried under years of habits, then it's worth trying to dig that out.

But it's true that if you are going to try and make it work there will have to be commitment to that from you both.