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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship dying - don't want to split up family.

4 replies

sleepy222 · 06/03/2011 22:51

I have been with my partner for 6 years and we have 2 little ones under 4. We are constantly fighting and I just can't cope anymore.

He no longer treats me with any respect and finds it easier to shout at me and be constantly uncivil. I feel I have been in a dark warzone during what should be a really happy time for us.

I can't bring our kids up in this, but I am too scared to leave and can't bring myself to break up the family.

I have suggested therapy, he is not interested.
I try to break our pattern of behavior, but it always goes the same way, after the kids are asleep, there'll be a stupid disagreement, but then he just loses it, he shouts, I ask him not to, he makes a bigger scene - the neighbours hear, I am humiliated. We then don't talk for days until I can't bear having the atmosphere in the house and try to make up. We can go up to 2 weeks until it implodes all over again.

I live away from my family, have gradually drifted away from friends, the only people I have here I can't talk to. I feel so alone and so unloved and so guilty for the kids not having a healthy family unit.

I have tried but I can't pretend things will change. he says we will do this and go here etc, but it never happens. It all falls to me to keep things happening.

I can't afford to rent a separate house at the moment, and feel I have to stay here, but this feels like a slow death and I worry so much about how it will affect the kids. We try to keep it together in front of them.

I see happy families all around us with plans and activities and going here and there. I feel like we are in a lead coffin, just sinking. This is not the life I wanted for my children or for me.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 06/03/2011 22:57

Dont look on it as breaking up a family. Look on it as giving your kids the opportunity to enjoy quality time with happy parents.

Dont be fooled into thinking that kids dont pick up the atmosphere or cant hear through closed doors. They can.

Do you want their memories of childhood bedtimes of being pretending to sleep while their parents yell at each other?

Will he leave if you ask him to go?

greasychip · 06/03/2011 22:58

This sounds extremely difficult, you have my sympathies.
What are your options at the moment? Have you discussed separating? Is there any mileage in having some counselling on your own?
I do admire your desire to do the best by your children, and I agree that livIng like this is untenable. Does your partner know you are feeling like this?

malinkey · 06/03/2011 22:59

Poor you, it sounds horrendous. That's no way for you or your DCs to live.

How far away are your family? Could you and the DCs go and stay with them for a while to have a break and get some time to think about things? Maybe have a trial separation?

The gradually drifting away from friends sounds worrying - is that anything to do with your DH or your own choice?

If your DH isn't interested in therapy has he suggested anything else to make things better?

wileycoyote · 06/03/2011 23:08

I agree with squeakytoy.

I left my ex-h when my kids were 1 and 3. I'm ok, and so are the kids. I have help from my mum and work full time to support us, but I am soooo much happier 2 years on.

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