Worried about dh behaviour - please advise

[lisalisa]

I have had baby no 6, 3 months ago. It was a very hard pregnancy and birth and a slow recovery.

Prior to baby dh and I were regularly "together" and it was a part of our relatiohnship that dh was very hot on and demanding of ( in the sense that I could easily let it slip - running a house working etc ) but he always took great pains to keep it alive.

Since started bleeding at 7 months pregnant we stopped being intimate. Post section we also weren't as I had problmes too then.

Now its 3 months past and dh doesn't seem interested at all.

We've tried once but with my leaky boobs ( sorry if tmi) and slightly tender stomach and baby next to us in moses basket and older kids still half awake ( door was locked!) it wasnt that sucesful!

Since then dh doesn't seem to want at all and has switched that side of him off.

I have spoke to him about it as althogh I am tired from new baby and not desparately keen either I do think we should make the efort and want him at least to want me and miss us being intimate. His answer is always reassuring - that he loves me and fancies me but is a bit worreid about hurting me and that I've been through a lot and that he doesn't feel so relaxed . He says after not being together so long he has almost switched that side off.

He is very sweet and kind to me outside of this which is also a bit out of character as he was always less understanding and amenable than I'd like.

I am just worried that he may start to see me more in a sister like way that he has to take care of me as I've been so poorly and be kind to me bnut not in a fanciable wife way if you see what I mean.

Has anyone been through this?>

Was he like this after your other children were born? Sweet and kind I mean?

If he's acting out of character in and out of the bedroom, i would have to wonder if he's having an affair.

Apologies if I'm way off the mark.

Can you forget the actual sex right now but keep the intimacy going. Talk to your dh again and agree that you'll both keep up the kisses and cuddles but take off any pressure, either of you may feel, about actual sex right now. That way you can keep your relationship as a couple but not worry too much about rushing into sex before the time is right for you both.

You have 6 dc, one of whom is only 3 months old, so things like sex will naturally not be top of the agenda right now, especially after what you've been through. You won't be the only couple whose sex life is like this after the birth of a baby. My dc are 16 & 18 so it's been a long time but I remember not feeling up to it and I only had 2

Don't worry, keep communicating with your dh and keep some intimacy in your relationship and the 'drought' (for want of a better word)will pass.

your husband sounds great

I don't understand the problem

3 months after a c-section for your 6th child ?

unless he has form for being a prick and going off shagging other women if he doesn't "get it at home", just work together with this like the lovely family unit you are

and congratulations x

Unless there are other things you're not mentioning, lisa, he sounds GREAT! Makes a nice change to say that around here :)

Basically you are injured and only a twat would want to risk hurting a sore woman by having sex with her. Apparently, your H isn't a twat!

You seem reasonably able to talk about such stuff - another good sign - so maybe make sure he knows you still need cuddles, feel somewhat unfeminine, etc. Your baby's still really young & demanding: get on with being a nursing mother & appreciated wife for now. There's plenty of time ahead for your sex life.

Three months is hardly any time, and it surely wouldn't be much of a turn-on for your DH to be thinking that he might hurt you?

I agree that you should just keep the intimacy, cuddles etc and talking going, concentrate on your lovely kids for a wee while, then when you're fully better things will resume naturally.

Yes you are all of course mostly correct. 3 months is very soon yes and I have been through a lot and dh has been quite traumatised - had 2 wound infections and a womb infection and several heamorrhages.

It is just a bit strange as prior to this our relationship was always quite challenging. We both struggled with being able to accomodate the other person's point of view ( we are both quite strong willed) and at time we came dangerously close to falling out permenanatly. He has always been quite a sexual person and would have liked sex 3 or more times per week. I naturally hnave a lower sex drive - or may have been busy life with 5 kids before baby and work- and would have been happy with once per week.

Now though its as if he doesn't want it. That's what is bothering me. This and the sweetness and kindness which is out of character. Friends have commented how attentive dh is. I do think that for the first time ever he was scared by how ill I was as I caught him shouting at the doctor once on the phone and for a while it wasn't certain that I would recover and that was scary. So I am reasonably confident that this is all it is - an appreciation for who I am and what we have together and a desire not to hurt me coupled with all the difficulty of being intimate so soon but a small part of me is a bit uneasy.

About what I don't know although deep down inside I suppose warzone's point had occurred to me in some horrible place. That was why I think I asked the question about whether this is common place and other MNers had experienced it as I have not after having had 5 babies previously.

I don't have any other signs that dh is straying . He is out at night an awful lot on his own but is at work so he says and I do believe him ( he owns a business which is busiest at night and each time I have called or texsted he always calls/texts striaght back ). No unusual spending or anything like that or new clothes or any real reason other than the fact that he is content to let the intimate side ofour relationship just lie fallow.

We are keeping up the kisses and cuddles and tbh I am also very scared of making love as the first and only time we have tried in the last 5 ish months it literally didn't work as I was too dry and it was too painful.