Can I ask some advice from those who have been through Domestic Violence

[AnonForThisOne]

Here is the situation:

There is a mum at school whom I think is suffering from domestic violence at home. I have heard something from a source I can't discuss (please don't ask but they are reliable) and last week her dh concerned turned up drunk during the afternoon to collect her child from another friend's house. He drove the child home (friend had thought he had walked to collect her and didn't realise until too late that he had driven). I don't know this mum, our dc are in the same class but aren't good friends (they get on but no particular friendship).

Is there anything I can do to help? Is there anything anyone did that helped you? At the moment I haven't said anything to anyone and if just staying out of it is the right course of action then I will do that. This mum doesn't seem to have any friends, in fact I rarely see her at school. Any insights anyone can offer would be helpful. Thanks.

If you think the children are at risk, which if he picks them up pissed and drives them, they are, you should speak to the school in the first instance.

Do you know anyone who is a close friend of hers? Do you see the mum at school, could you somehow chat to her and develop a friendship with her?

She is very unlikely to talk to anyone she doesnt know, and quite unlikely to talk to anyone she does know if there is a chance it will get back to her husband.

There really isnt a lot else that you can do as an outsider apart from keep a keen eye on the kids, listen out for anything your own child might say, that could be relevant, and again report that to the school.

Oh bugger, just realised he didnt pick them up from the school. I misread that bit.

Does he collect from school too?

If you aren't a friend then no. Not really.
if you go up to her she will be deeply embarrassed and probably deny it.

The most you can do is speak with the school about the incident and maybe ask them to keep an eye on the DC.

If the person that gave you the information is closer to her they could maybe ask her if she is ok and express their concern about the drunken pick up.
But tell them not to press. if she says she is ok then tehy need to accept it.

Nothing worse than being made to feel even worse than you do. Most women suffering DV try very very hard to hide the fact. They are being told they are failures at home for everything, they dont' need to fail at that too.

Support not suspicion.

I only see him occasionally (and try my best not to glare at him). Honestly I don't know how the child gets to and from school, I will pay more attention. TBH he could easily be drunk at school too but unless he was falling about no-one would notice. Would you still tell the school about the incident so that they can keep an eye on the child?

If i am honest i would suggest that the person who actually witnessed the incident told school.

otherwise it smacks of tell tales and chinese whispers, which will not be taken seriously tbh.

but yes, school need to be aware if the children are being placd at risk.

YY mamazon. The LAST thing I want to do is make anything worse for her. I just don't want to be the last of a long line of people who sit by, watch and do nothing but of course as I have said I do not want to make her life any harder.

Thing is, Dv causes so much shame and embarrassment.

the very last thing you want is for someone to notice. it would be mortifying for her.
And if he got wind that she wasn't covering up properly it may make things at home worse.

It is the most isolating and debilitating of situations.

I understand your frustration and bless you for trying to help but, until she seeks help there is little anyone can do for her.

Social services and school are your best bets at the minute as you don't know the father or the mother.

I have to agree with MamazOn

If she is to be helped, it has to come from her. Otherwise it's just hearsay and accusations.

And, if you ro your friend did tell anyone and they approached her, she may well deny it out of pure shame.