I can't stand it!!!!!

[WADA]

Posted my dramas on the legal thread recently but OMG I just can't stand this living together - apart thing. We broke up in Oct. He is refusing to move out so I'm having to go down the legal route to get some sort of resolution on the house. In the meantime we alternate who looks after the kids each weekend. This weekend is my weekend but because he has no-where to go he just potters around the house. I'm in the middle of making the kids dinner and I'm wondering why I feel and have felt all weekend - sick to the stomach. It's because it's like nothing has happened. It's like we haven't split up. I can't stand this feeling of being trapped and powerless. He said to me at one point that I could talk to him. Yeah I know that - I just don't f want to!

I'm just on a rant to let out my feelings and am not looking for advice as such I just need to get the words I want this abusive mother f*** to leave. I just want to be able to get on with my life. I just him out of my life. I want control of my weekends again aaaaarrrrggggghhhh!!

OK rant over!

could you leave?

how long til its sorted? guess you will have lost your sanity by then

is money/house really worth this? do you think your kids enjoy the atmosphere?

Sourdoughface - Yes technically I can leave but I'm not prepared to as I don't think it's in the best interests of the kids and I in the long term. Short term it's painful and I need to vent every now and again but I feel the need to stand my ground for both me and the kids.

ILoveTIFFANY - I find it so difficult to reply to your posts because they seem so unhelpful. Like any responsible and loving parent I agonise over whether it is worth it and how the kids must be feeling. Do I think my kids enjoy to atmosphere - what kind of question is that?

its a valid one.....coming from someone who was once in your position,who now has teens who question why the hell i stayed so long!! they remember walking on eggshells,being uncertain....

you dont get a medal at the end of it and you dont get this time back again to re-do properly

Wada, it sounds like hell! I feel so very sorry for your situation.

When you call him abusive, what does that mean? I am assuming that you are not at any risk here.

I tell you what op, I am in a very similar position except that we are not living together but he comes round every single day . I have a HA flat but I am going to leave it and move to another part of the country so he can no longer be so involved with us. He is on the tenancy and I cannot get him off and even if I did I know I will never be free of him.

In old age will you look back and think "well I wish I had stayed longer in that crappy, stressful situation". Or will you think "thank f*ck I got out if it as soon as I could and didn't waste anymore time being miserable"?

ILoveTIFFANY - you may have been in a SIMILAR situation to mine but you're not in my situation. It seems to me that you are projecting your experience onto me whilst knowing only the barest of facts. Your final comment about not getting a medal and not being able to re-do it properly is just b* and again is based on your own experience.

MigratingCoconuts - yes it is definitely frustrating and some days it's more frustrating than others! I'm not at any physical risk don't worry. In terms of his abusiveness if I refuse to talk to him about 'contentious' stuff then we don't argue out loud. I try and deal with him by email (kids can't hear an email eh!!!). He calls me names and tells me about myself and where I fail etc etc. He works from the position that he's OK it's just everybody else who isn't! He can flip from being reasonable to unreasonable in a heart beat and it's a bit of a head f* most of the time.

shimmerysilverglitter - it's early days for me and I'm not giving up without a fight. Ex works away during the week so it's only of a weekend that it's really tricky. On the weekends he 'looks' after the kids I try and stay away. It's just this weekend which has gotten to me. I get incredibly frustrated when I feel trapped. It's Monday morning again and I'm off to see my Solicitor so I don't feel as bad - just needed to vent yesterday so I didn't explode at home!!! Sorry about your situation. Glad you have a resolution which works for you.

It's not bollocks, you really don't get this time back again!!!

And what are your kids making of this situation I wonder!?

i dont get why he has to come to your house if it is your weekend with the kids? what is he doing there? cant he stay where he stays during the week?

why cant he stay with a friend?
i dont get it.

ILoveTIFFANY - with all due respect you're not living my life and therefore don't know what is happening or what my kids might be making of the situation. You think you know because of what your kids made of your situation but projecting that onto my kids isn't helping me one bit. Your smug comments which suggest that you know better are at best irritating, at worst arrogant.

cestlavielife - His stock answer to all your questions is 'I own 50% so I'm entitled to do whatever I want' and he is right unless I sell, buy him out or he moves. I don't want to sell, can't buy him out and cannot make him move until he wants to or until I get a Court Order (will post on legal about meeting with Solicitor).

Please can we not turn this thread into something it's not meant to be. I wanted to rant yesterday because I was having a shitty day. Today is a another day and I don't want to spend it defending my choices - sometimes people just need to rant.

question is how long can you and DC keep this up -

legal processes take a long long time (unless he does something major meaning youcan get an urgent injunction)

i do get it - in the end i was forced to move out and rent and three years later still going thru court cases to force him to sell so i can get my share of equity and move on... but am so glad i did move rather than wait.

i can see what ILT is saying: how many more weekends like this? you (and presumably DC) are suffering... (DC if only because you end up stressed)

WADA I totally understand how you feel. It's difficult when you are posting in an advice forum, but posters need to remember that sometimes an OP just needs to let off steam and aren't looking for solutions as such, but more a place to vent.

I felt very similarly to you when I had split with my ex but was still living in the same house. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. Part of what made it so hellish was the unresolved nature of the situation, feeling like I was in a kind of limbo-hell-groundhog-day, or one of those dreams when everyone thinks everything is fine but you can see the tsunami/serial killer etc etc and they won't listen to you. It's crazy making. So you have my utmost sympathy, and feel free to rant all you like. :) I hope you get some things sorted soon, so you can move on with your life.

I hear you cestlavielife I really do. The kids are too young for me to really be able to get to the bottom of what they think but from watching their behaviour, from talking to them and listening to what they have to say I'd suggest they're OK. They love exp being around and he is good with them. For the most part he and I just don't really communicate. We have the odd argument in front of them but probably less than the average couple to be honest. Most of what I feel goes on inside my head and on the whole I accept that and just vent to friends, family and on this board.

I guess we all have to make decisions on what we think is best. For me as much as I hate it, I feel that I am doing the right thing. If we were at each other's throats every weekend and I saw the kids suffering, I would take a different view but I have to look at both the long and the short term. As it stands I hate it, but they and he seem to be OK with it - for the time being. I just needed to vent yesterday because I felt stuck and really frustrated. He will move out, it's the uncertainty of when which grates. These are issues which bother me as an individual and on the whole don't impact the children. Yes, if I get stressed it impacts on them but on the whole I keep this stuff to myself. If we had to live together every day of the week it would probably be a completely different kettle of fish but as it's restricted to weekends I feel compelled to put up with it until a solution is found.

I accept that perhaps I may find it difficult to be objective so far as to how the children are suffering but who gets to make that call? The kids may be suffering now but they may also suffer if I sold up, moved to rented and was unhappy with the decision I'd made. These decisions are not easy and there is no 100% correct answer as I'm sure you'll agree - we are all just doing the best we think we can. I love my kids to death and their welfare is the most important thing to me but I have to make the call on what I think is in everyone's best interest now and for the future. I hope that makes sense?!

if that is the case then i can understand "grin and bear it".

(it wasnt the case for me as exP's behaviour was a nitemare for all of us to be around; he was not "good" with the DC)

I spent over two years between deciding to divorce XH and finally moving apart when the house sold. It seemed like the only way at the time in our particular circumstances. Part-way through I was signed off work with depression, but that didn't help much as it meant I spent three months closeted at home with the arse who'd depressed me in the first place. It was ghastly.

But what can I say? I survived, the DCs survived, I may even eventually reclaim my sanity (such as it ever was) and life is ok. You just get through these things because you have to, knowing there is going to be a resolution eventually. The advantage of things being such a pain is it keeps you motivated to push the paperwork through at times when you wonder whether it's worth the bother. It so is worth it.

you can always daydream about the future....plan holidays in your head,plan how you will change the house etc
...kept me going towards the end of living with ex DH....planned new hairstyle etc...made me smile and spurred me on!!

i also had a little fund......for the first night of freedom takeaway,new clothes,day out with dc.....just made me feel like i was 'doing' something positive.

and keeping cupboards,drawers clear.....really,sorting out his 'stuff',putting it all together to make him going quicker!!! and giving him less reasons to keep coming back for forgotten stuff

Anniegetyourgun - glad to hear you got through although not to hear you had to spend 3 months with the 'arse'!

ILoveTIFFANY - you're spot on. Daydreaming is a god send - it keeps me going on some days. I keep thinking about how I want to add some soul to the place and I'd like my room a proper girlie pink! I'm trying to put together a little rainy day money for household emergencies but I like the idea of spoiling us all a little bit - nice one!