Is my marriage over?

[warzone]

I have been unhappy for so long, I just don't know what happy is any more.

I feel embarrassed when we're out with him with family and friends.

I prefer to share the bed with my DD than with DH.

I fantasise about living on my own (with DD of course).

I constantly have to stop myself from telling him what I really think.

I am constantly irritated by what he says and does.

He is an alcoholic. I feel like I'm losing any respect for him I might have had left.

But I'm really scared. I don't know how to leave. What if it's a mistake? How do I deal with the practical stuff? Who moves out of our home? What will happen to DD?

What if I'm wrong and just ungrateful for what I've got?

Have you given him the news ? The no holds barred "love you honey but this is it, no games no excuses this is it" ?

No advice, just wanted to say I feel for you. It is a horrible horrible situation, and you sound very strong. It must seem impossible at the moment, but things will get better.

Thanks CaptainBarnacles.

I don't feel strong.

warzone, you're already strong. Living with an alcoholic is very hard, like being sucked down a plughole...

awubble, out of curiousity, do you have any experience of living with someone who puts drink first over everything else? IMO, staying and "helping" an alcoholic is counterproductive. It's just propping them up in their drinking at the expense of everyone else because they won't stop until they want to.

If it were me, I'd sit down and tell your DH that you are reaching your limit in what you can cope with - give him one last chance to stop. You have nothing to lose really do you? Don't say it to him unless you mean it though.

ps. the pracitcal issues must feel like a huge worry. Can you seek some legal advice to see where you might stand on the work/house/childcare issues? If you know the facts you might feel more able to decide how to move forward. CAB or solicitor perhaps?

oops practical

I don't know about the practicalities, my situation was very different, I'm sorry I can't help with that. I hope someone else will be along who can.

You are strong. Pretending things are fine when they aren't is incredibly draining. It must have taken a lot of strength to post here too. You are strong because you have to be - but that means you can make it out, too, and things will be okay. You're right that if he hasn't made any effort to change by now, you're fighting a losing battle.

I don't know whether to say tell him or not. I'd probably look at the practicalities first. If you find out it's going to take 6 months to sort everything you might want to use those 6 months as a sort of last chance thing.

If it were me, I'd sit down and tell your DH that you have reached your limit in what you are willing to deal with - Explain you love him (assuming you do),Tell him things, life is moving on and he needs to as well. For his own, his kids and your benefit.
Tell him you will help him as much as you can but if he doesn't take this very last opportunity then it's time to move on.

Best of luck, hope he's smart enough.

Where do I seek legal advice from? Do I have to pay?

Many solicitors do a free 30 minute consultation. You can also go to Citizens Advice; they are free to users.

To add

Make no bones about the fact this is it, last chance saloon. No slips, no excuses, nothing. Fix up or move on.

MSB, yes i do.

I have been the child in the situation, please leave. My mum didn't and both me and my sister suffered mental illness due to it.

I now work with drug and alcohol dependant people and can tell you that you will be doing the best thing for you and your children if you leave.

There is never a good time, right point to leave but you must

The practical issues seem impossible but in a number of small baby steps you will get there. I recall feeling overwhelmed by the challenge. I wanted to know the answers from the outset but you have to trust that you can't know all the solutions yet but there will be solutions. It's unlikely he would get residency - if he is alcohol dependant the he may not even want it. He may find a place to stay and he could get a job. You don't need all the solutions, he has to take responsibility for himself.

First steps, get some legal advice, work out how you would manage financially - remember as a sole parent you would be entitled to childcare help.

I do agree however that if he is alcohol dependant it's best to remove yourself and your child. It might be the best thing for him but you can't control him and you are not responsible.

I think your caring approach is good - you are not bitter or vengeful just sad. That approach will help find the right path.

"MSB, yes i do."

awubble, sorry to hear that.

I'm going to make a massive effort to be positive this week.

I'm not going to allow the little things to irritate me.

I'm going to concentrate on what's good. I'm so sick of feeling negative.

I'm going to be happy and loving and caring and a nice person for DH to be around.

I'm going to do this for this week and see how things are at the weekend.

Warzone, I know what you mean, but you can't cure someone of alcoholism by being nice.

Are you absolutely convinced that he has never had a drink during the day, when he's looking after your child?

I know I can't cure him. Maybe all I can do is leave. It makes me so to think this will destroy us. We've come through a lot together. I don't know if I'm ready to let go.

God if only he would just stop.

Hi Warzone

I feel for you. Maybe it's time for a break, a separation for a few weeks and see what happens? You could ask him to stay on someone's couch for a few weeks. GOK how you cope with the work/childcare thing while he does so.

If he stops drinking then you have grounds to negotiate, at least. if not, or more likely if he drinks more...oh dear. But at least you'll know it was the right decision.

Don't know if it might help but I've been skirting similar issues (quite a long way from where you are, I think, but it might go that way). I came across "bottled up", a different organisation and theory than Al-anon. Not antagonistic, just different. Their approach might make it possible for your home life and your personal life to be slightly more comfortable.

Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.