don't know what to do next

[ChiefGuacamole]

I'm not sure specifically what I'm looking for here, maybe just to tell someone how I'm feeling.

I think I need to leave dp, the feeling is getting stronger and stronger. It used to be odd moments, then longer periods, now it seems like the happy times are the odd moments.

I have lost my faith in him, and respect for him. And I'm beginning to resent him, for not working harder, for not wanting more, for not wanting to take better care of us, for leaving it to me to think and plan and hope for the future.

We have 2 young dcs, one of them has some sn. He will be starting school in September, but for now I have all but given up work so that I can be there to take him to appointments, take him and collect from playschool. I don't really want to get into my son on here, but basically I need to be at home for him right now. He has thrived since I gave up work, and nothing could convince me to put him back into someone else's care right now so I could go to work. He IS my work!

Dp is very resentful of this. Before I gave up work I repeatedly tried to discuss it with him, consider every option, find ways I could still work just at different times....but he refused to engage, so I had to go ahead without his agreement. I still work one day at the weekend. It's eating up our time together as a family, for very little money, but I don't want to/can't give it up. We are so stretched financially that even this little money makes a little difference.

I was about to start talking about dp, how he hates his job, says he's looking for a new one, does nothing. He finally admitted to me he's scared, which I have always known. But his fear comes out as anger, and I'm so sick of him being angry at me.

Last weekend I though I might explode. So tired (I don't drive and now have had to stop learning as I can't afford it) so I walk about 30 miles a week just doing playschool runs. I was exhausted from a heavy period, which dp knew about because he'd asked me what was wrong, I looked so pale. Had to beg him to get up (at midday) so I could leave the house to go to work. This happens every week. He makes feel like I'm being stupid and whingy, but I can't just leave the kids downstairs with no one awake in the house, never mind the fact he should be making them lunch at that point...

MY dd is 3 and having lots of tantrums at the moment. It all became so clear to me. I spend every moment caring for other people, my whole life is based around it. I'm not a martyr, I believe that by doing my best by my family now, I will benefit later. I hope to raise settled happy secure children.

But last weekend I realised I spend all my time time caring for everyone else, and every single one of them is ungrateful and rude to me. (DS is 4 and sn, dd is 3, so I can make allowances for them!)

I just don't know what to do now . I have asked to be referred for counselling at the local children's centre, as it is free. But otherwise I'm pretty well fucked. I'm trying to feed us (and 2 teenagers for weekends) on £30 per week, trying to pay off debts I have no money at all.

I need to find out what I want, make sense of it all. I can't think straight anymore, not sure if dp really is just a selfish arsehole, or if he's depressed/also struggling with the pressures.

And if I decide I want to leave, what then, I have no money, nowhere to go. I'll be stuck in this house with him and things will be worse than ever.

If anyone is still reading, thankyou. I'm not sure how coherent I am being, if any of this makes sense.

A nice guy doesn't make fun of you and doesn't lie in bed when the children need looking after.

Does he resent you for quitting your job despite him not wanting you to?

I assume your husband is working full time? Possibly long hours? (Only guessing that, as it seems to me that these days more and more people are having to work longer in order to try to make themselves 'redundancy proof') In a job he not only hates, but which you acknowledge does not earn enough to pay the bills. You had a job, but chose to stop work/severely cut back on your hours, even though you acknowledge there isn't enough money to pay th bills, let alone clear debts. It is beginning to sound to me that your DH is possibly depressed, certainly stressed, knowing that he is now responsible for paying the majority of the bills and also knowing there is not enough money coming in to the house to cover all the outgoings. I do understand that you felt you needed to be with your DCs,but wouldn't it have made sense to at least clear those debts first? I think it is very unfair that posters are accusing your DH of being lazy etc, when it sounds as though he is working hard to keep a roof over your heads. You commented that 'why would he not want to change' the situation. I am sure he does. But as you must realise, it is not so easy to find jobs these days and for those that do, there is still the risk of redundancies.

You need proper financial advice and I suspect, some sort of counselling to help you work through the problems without blaming one another, because, IMO, you have each played a part in bringing your family to the situation you now find yourselves in.

The thing is, I haven't actually quit my job. I've reduced my hours massively. The idea is that if circumstances change it will be easier to put my hours up than find a new job from scratch. Also, trying to avoid gaps in my employment history. I do consider myself to be hardworking and sensible. I have also started volunteering at a school 2 mornings per week whilst the children are at playschool. I'm trying to use this time at home the best I can to make things secure for the future. But yes, he does seem to resent me.

The calling me boring sticks. I can't excuse that. The longer I'm with him the more I will start to believe him.

I had an ex who used to call me boring too, so maybe I am? But I have good friends, who I enjoy spending time with, they like me. So instead I wonder if it's something to do with the kind of men I'm choosing? What I see as sensible and hardworking they do not have the patience to understand and think is boring?

He as been pretty awful this afternoon. I made me and dd a sandwich at 12.20/1ish. At 3 he said 'you not bothering with lunch then?' I calmly said that dd and I had had a sandwich, the 2 youngest children had been grazing all morning, also I do not cook a meal at lunchtime. We normally have sandwiches and fruit, I can't afford to cook twice a day.

He stomps around the kitchen, cooks every bit of convenience food in the freezer rather than make something properly (and thus save money). Then serves up the teenagers and himself. I asked about the younger 2 and he said theirs wasn't ready. When the fishfingers came out they were too hot, and the dcs were wound up because they'd been sat at the table watching everyone else eat.

I realised there were only some chips and fishfingers, so I asked had he made anything fro me. He got really pissed off, saying I'd sorted myself out already.

So basically, it took him until 3 to actually make some food instead of getting annoyed that another adult hadn't done it for him? Sorry, you might be shouting at your screens saying what an idiot I am to be with him. But I've kept it all inside for so long, kept it altogether.

It's difficult to know who's right and who's wrong. I get confused. I have to make myself very calm and still, and I totally detach. This winds him up, but it's not why I do it. He then pushes harder and harder to get a reaction out of me, but it doesn't work because it's not what I want. I don't want to shout and argue for no reason.

I'm finding I'm keeping mental records of things, is complaints and accusations are so predictable. e conmplains he has to drive me round everywhere because I can't drive. So know I can point out to him that actually he doesn't drive me anywhere, except to things we are both invited to, which are generally for him anyway eg. visit his family, visit friends of his with their partners and dcs.

Yes, you are right, and those are the excuses I have been making for him.

He does work long hours. But he has had years to do something about changing his job. Things are bad economically now, but when he was first complaining there were lots of jobs around. In five years he has applied for 2 jobs.

He is depressed, he is stressed. But I can't live with him taking it out on me anymore. More than anything I just want to take to bed, I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to sleep and cry and stare into space. I can't though because I have responsibilities.

But I am feeling angry right now because he's just gone out, and he was having a go at me just before he left.

you have each played a part in bringing your family to the situation you now find yourselves in.

Yes I know, I did what I had to do at the time I think. I don't regret. Even if I end up penniless living in a B&B I know that I did the best thing for my children, that matters to me more than anything else.

I was really gutted not to be working, I love my job, I'm constantly trying to think of ways I can go back to more hours

I think you are both under a lot of pressure and are taking it out on each other.
I don't agree with others who are urging you to leave and I'm not sure what this would achieve.
You seem to think walking out on him would change your life for the better.
From what I have read I doubt it.
You would be better off putting all this energy into putting things right between you rather than splitting up your family because of stress over finances/jobs etc

You need to see things from his point of view as well.
You drastically reduced your hours at week (albeit for a very valid reason) and seem spend a lot of time moaning and depressed because you have no money.
This in turn puts more pressure on him and probably makes him feel depressed and inadequate that despite working long hours, his family is struggling.

Sorry I just don't get it.

You said yourself you had already eaten and then got annoyed when he cooked for himself and the older kids.
If this is him being 'pretty awful' then I think you need to count your lucky stars.

I think perhaps you have fallen out of love with him and are just looking for excuses here

I guess I didn't describe very well what happened. He got very aggressive verbally because I had not prepared a cooked meal for everyone. This was in front of the kids.

On here is the first time I have complained about money. I haven't felt I had the right to complain about anything.

I wasn't annoyed he cooked for everyone, but that he expecting me to do everything for everyone, no one else lift a finger, and when that didn't happen his behaviour was out of order.

'I think you are both under a lot of pressure and are taking it out on each other.
I don't agree with others who are urging you to leave and I'm not sure what this would achieve.
You seem to think walking out on him would change your life for the better.
From what I have read I doubt it.
You would be better off putting all this energy into putting things right between you rather than splitting up your family because of stress over finances/jobs etc'
This is how I feel. I don't want to leave him, I do believe he is a good man. I've have been putting all my energy into trying to stay strong, positive, come up with solutions, and he seems to be going the opposite way and shutting down and getting angry.

I think I just reached a point this morning where it got too much.

I have been thinking about applying for a job, it would be 8pm to 8am 2nights per week and would keep our heads above water with a little bit to spare. I'm torn between thinking go for it, it would solve our money worries, and wondering when on earth would I sleep?

Have tried to talk to dp still not really clear what he thinks though.

Thanks all for responding though, I'm aware I'm not perfect good to have a reminder that I might be out of order too