Counselling before going NC with Mother -an I get help with this via the NHS?

[missismac]

I'll try to be brief:

I've lurked on the 'stately homes' thread for some months now & have typed this post in my head many times, so - deep breath . . . I'm considering going NC with my mother after years & years of a very unsatisfactory relationship. She's not a bad woman or anything. She didn't beat me, she wasn't an alcoholic - nothing like that, but she never wanted me and has made that clear by her actions all my life, whilst denying anything of the sort to my face (aaargh, headf*$!k). Now she's begun doing it to my children too & they are big enough to start to notice it.

I'm in my mid 40's and I live 100 miles away from her. Contact between us is limited, but even so every conversation ends up with me feeling like I've been stabbed 1000 times and falling into a mild depression for a week or so. I just want something to change, I don't want to keep doing this.

Money is tight for us and shortly to become tighter as I hope to go back to college to retrain soon. I feel bad about using our scarce family resources on counselling or psychotherapy for me, to help solve what is essentially my problem. In fact I'm not really sure that we have the resources available to do it with. Does anyone know whether it would be possible to get help on the NHS? I have had a couple of depressive episodes that have involved the GP (many more managed alone of course) so I do have a history if that would help. I guess I just don't know where to start looking for help. Has anyone any experience to point me in the right direction?

Do talk to your GP, he or she is the only one who knows what is on offer in your area.

For what it is worth my mother has just started receiving counselling for a similar thing regarding her parents, there was a bit of a waiting list but there was never an issue with agreeing to it.

That said, every trust is different and my mum has been on more tablets than I could count for anxiety over the years.

I had therapy on the NHS for an identical thing. I had two lots, the second being inner child therapy, which has transformed me and my life. Also transformed the way I parent, and saved my marriage.

Quick before the cuts come in. My GP and mental health services were amazing. I hope you are as lucky as I was. :)

Please do not feel bad for using money on this. The many problems caused by toxic parents more often than not becomes generational and your mother now seems to be starting on the second generation i.e your children.

Certainly talk to your GP to see what is on offer re counselling services. An alternative to NHS counselling would be to use BACP.

You can get about 6 free sessions with a therapist on the NHS but there is usually a long waiting list and the sessions are often not enough.

However. Go to your GP and tell him/her that you wish to be put on the list for help. As you have had involvement with your GP over this, then that's good and may help you be prioritised up the list.

The GP may well refer you to your local mental health unit first for an assessment to see what sort of counselling will help you. Take all the help they can offer.

Privately, well, you can probably find a counsellor locally (go to the BACP list and find one in your area) to help. They charge anywhere between 30 to 70 pounds an hour but you can choose how often you go (say 30 pounds once a fortnight). Some do telephone coun selling or even counselling by email.

Whereabouts in the country are you?

Those are just practical tips.

On other fronts: Do you have any siblings and if so, what is their relationship like with your mother? Could you confide in them? Possibly not - for many very good reasons. It is just a thought. Crap mothers tend to divide and rule. Is there another underdog among your siblings you could talk to?

Or...Are you an only child? In which case, there are resources for only children that will be worth googling and investigating.

It is great that you have finally started to think that you are not going to take a mother's issues/crap anymore - and yes it is often when you have dcs of your own and start re-evaluating your own childhood.

It's good that she is 100 miles away. What does your dh/dp think or feel about your situation re your mother? I really hope he is supportive.

It is not an overnight thing - going NC I mean - and it can take a couple of years to process. And there will be contact and guilt trips all the time.

But it is eminently do-able and after all, you are doing it for your children.

My mother set eyes for all of 3 hours on my step-girls (marriage over now) and said of one "she is docile" and of the other "she is trouble".

This is not parenting, or grandparenting. This is worth moving to a small island off Japan for.

Do it girl. Power to your elbow.

xxx

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Counselling/Pages/Policyguidelines.aspx

UA is SOOOOO right.....my "mother" was well on the way to casting my dc's into their "roles", difficult, unaffectionate, even autistic! It's so very wrong. They are children for heaven's sake, and she is qualified as NOTHING!

The therapy has radically changed the way I see all children. The idea of the mega creative "wonderchild" is an extraordinarilly liberating thing when negative labelling was once the norm.

I now live, metaphorically on that small island off Japan, and have the support of mental health services, social services and childrens services, who advised me to keep my precious babies away from that woman, and sadly my sisters.

And after a lifetime of being the "evil one" I am slowly starting to be brave enough to come into the light and have a life of my own.

It's a very hard and often lonely and miserable journey isn't it thisishowifeel .

But you are coming through it. The last time I spoke to my mother she sounded like the girl in The Exorcist only worse - maybe about fourteen Red Bulls worse.

And she is 84. No mean feat!

missismac Your wellbeing is worth spending money on. Your "problem" and depression will affect your family.

NC with 2 members of my family after I had my DD. Couldn't bear the thought of her being in the same room as them. Cue massive PND, which I tried to hide for a year. Then went to GP, got counselling at PND project for 2 years, and now I'm so much happier and lighter.

Counselling was hard work, painful and utterly draining at times. Not a quick fix and make sure you have a therapist who you feel you could trust.

Thankyou so much for all your fab advice & support. It really helps so much to hear that a) I'm not mad & b) I'm not evil/wrong for considering NC at all. It's very easy to feel that, I've always had a huge, huge need for 'family' - to cut off my Mum seems to be the very opposite of what I stand for.

UAm I am in an odd position re siblings. I was an only for 9 years, then Mum had my half-brother & remarried to my step-dad. This is viewed as the source of a lot of my 'problems' by my parents. i.e. "Missismac is jealous" but I feel provides a useful cloud so they can ignore the real issues. My half-brother is nice enough, but wouldn't get it & isn't interested. She seems to be a good Mum to him as far as I can tell, but she is married to his Dad so they are very much a family unit.

I'm in London & my DH is very supportive. He's seen what happens, for which I'm grateful as Mum has a tendency to 'misremember' events which makes me doubt myself & sometimes wonder whether I've imagined conversations & situations - even though I know I haven't.