binge drinking has made me want to divorce dh

[northernline]

i've been with dh for 12 years. before we met he binge drank with friends. we married five years ago and now have two ds. he goes out with work gets wrecked comes home at between 12 and 4 absolutely f*ed. in the past has lost countless phones bags and jackets but annoyingly remembers where he lives and never loses his key.so in the middle of the night i have put up with him pissing in the bed, singing, watching porn on telly/ internet burning food in kitchen and generally being a selfish twat.
when i was pregnant with ds d2 he had been going to strip clubs which i only found out when i found out he was looking for escorts on the computer (i was clearing the history). when i questioned him he admitted going to prostitutes. i wanted to get rid of him but was pregnant and had toddler. so we did relate counselling for about a year, he did aa but reluctantly and did some sex addiction counselling.

he stopped the porn and the prostitute thing but still drinks when he is under stress at work and then loses the plot. when he recovers he thinks i am being unreasonable! am so fed up have asked for divorce. he has begged me not to and says he will do anything though keeps sidestepping the fact that i want him not to drink AT ALL. what do i do ? when he is sober he is fantastic but i am bored of the same arguments.

Al-anon. You need to go.

As for your husband - until he wants to stop there is nothing you can do about it. You will keep going round in circles.

Get some help and support for yourself.

I think there is a saying (I hope I get this right - I dragged it up from depths of my memory)

You can't change it
You didn't cause it
You can't control it

Something like that. But really get some help for yourself. The sooner he starts loosing things, the sooner he will ask for help. Until he does, there is nothing you can do for him....he needs to want to get sober above everything else.

I'm really so sorry for what you're going through. I too would second the suggestion of al-anon, you can find meetings on their Website. At the very least hearing the stories of so many other people who have had not dissimilar experiences can really help. They also provide a useful free leaflet called "So You Love an Alcoholic" that gives some great advice. It is also completely anonymous, so nobody outside the meetings need know unless you choose to tell them. In some parts of the country there are women-only meetings if you'd prefer that.

Do though consider confiding in a close friend or relative if you haven't already. I didn't and I really regret this now. It might have helped me to deal with things sooner.

The important thing is that someone will only stop drinking if they really want to, it's actually a hard thing to do. He will have to realise for himself how bad things are, and possibly have to get himself out of trouble a few times, to get this motivation. No one can do it for him.

I spent a long time feeling like I was living with two completely different people, the one who drank and the one who didn't (though she could be scary when sober also). I had to leave in the end, though as much for my safety as anything else, but I've heard plenty of stories in al-anon of people who were able to see it through and now have happy marriages with sober partners.

I do wish you luck.

Forgot to add, it is also worth googling for alcohol support resources in your local area, specifically for people living with someone with an alcohol problem. I've been referred to one that provides regular one-to-one sessions with a support worker, who can also point you towards other resources. And it's free.

I think he needs to go.

It is not healthy for your dc to see this.

He sounds awful. If DH regularly got so drunk that he actually pissed the bed, I would throw him out so fast his head would spin.

You are doing your children no favours by staying with this man. You say you want a divorce. I say get one.

thank you for your responses. i've checked out al-anon following the suggestions and there is a session pretty close to where i live which i may pose to dh. the problem i have is that after so many threats to leave i'm sure he thinks i am not serious and suggesting al-anon will only see short term benefits before he starts the pattern again. is there really a chance of him stopping? he comes from a very 'alcohol friendly' family that conflits with my upbringing and what i want for my dc.
annielobeseder - if he did not drink it would not be an issue. i feel like a real idiot for not kicking him out for that reason alone but there are financial and housing issues that up until now have meant i had to stay put. i hate him at the moment.

Sadly, he will only stop drinking if he really wants to, there's really nothing you can do about it one way or another. Anyone who has ever lived with an addict will tell you this. If you don't think he'll get any better then you may only have one choice left: to split with him. This is the choice I had to make last year.

You'll hear the stories of people who've made both choices at al-anon and what their experiences are. If you're able to access a one-to-one support service where you live the workers there will support you in whatever choice you make. If you decide that divorce is the only option, they may be able to provide practical advice and assistance as well. Whatever happens, you do need to look after yourself.

i used to binge drink when i first met my DH. he put his foot down about it but i continued during the first years of our relationship.

it wasn't something i'd done all my life but started really after a bad relationship break up.

i don't think i was ever as bad as your H but i did once crack my head open falling off a stage i'd decided to get on to dance on.

it took a few serious moods from my DH to get me to see sense - maybe happened about 4 times before i stopped. once i called him from overseas in the early hours of the morning as i was drunk (was away for work), had been thrown out of a club and couldn't find my way home. he was rightly worried, and very upset and angry. he called my parents and they called me. i was absolutely FUMING (and mortified). but it did work as a shock tactic i think as this was the last serious incident.

luckily for me he stuck with me. i never got therapy but i did realise the complete error of my ways and now i go for weeks without drinking and when i do it's really moderate. i could quite easily not drink at all.

i think you have to be tough over this. it's not something you should put up with. either he will see sense or you will learn he is just not willing to give your relationship the priority it deserves.

northernline - you know that al-anon is for you, and not your husband? It isn't clear from your last post.

i don't think binge drinkers are necessarily addicts. i wasn't addicted to alcohol i used it to escape from difficult feelings sometimes and was in denial about how irresponsible it was sometimes. once i faced both these things i had not trouble giving it up.

i can easily be around alcohol and not drink or equally just have one drink.

i am quite small and get drunk (or feel drunk) very quickly. even 1 drink makes me a little tipsy.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors, you're certainly right in that. Some people are just very heavy drinkers, who get out of control with it and then turn things around. Sometimes one bad shock is all it takes, and I do think that moderation will work much better for some than the AA total abstinence model. It really depends on the individual.

I very much appreciate that my view be coloured by the fact that I did live with an addict who despite the regular promises just couldn't stop. I'm sure she meant it when she made those promises, but then the attraction of alcohol just got too much. This would normally happen within a few hours and recurred over a dozen or so years. I can't know the situation exactly and everyone is different, but it does make me wonder about the OP's case. I infer that this has been happening for some time and her DH has made promises to quit that he hasn't kept. It also sounds like he's doing things that are very abusive towards her when he is drunk, and so him being sober is her only respite.

Didn't know it was for so thanks for clarification.couldn't take it could feel things slipping back and dh blaming me for everything so packed bags and took dc to parents house. Probably not a good idea legally but he refused to leave and I can't do it anymore. Feel like I've wasted the last 10 years putting up with things I would tell anyone else not to. Is this alcoholism Smashing? I don't know what else to call it when someone can't say no can't stop and wants to destroy everything.

If he can't say no to drink despite the damage that it is causing to all of you then it does look like alcoholism. He can only sort this out for himself, and then only of he chooses to.

The moment I walked out on exP, and since, I also felt like I'd wasted a dozen years on someone who loved drink more than me. When she wasn't being abusive, I just felt like I was a parent rather than a partner, always taking responsibility for everything domestic and bailing her out of trouble.

Do seek out support. If you can find one look for a support organisation that can provided on-to-one support, it's worth so much. I didn't realise how much until I started going. I don't know where you're located, but this is the one I use, however there are lots of such services around the country. Al-anon may also help.

I can see how hard it must have been for you and I really do feel for you. I hope everything works out. It will be very tough for a while but it will get better. The first thing I noticed was just the loss of the day-to-day uncertainty.