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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Depressed Partner

13 replies

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 05/03/2011 10:38

How do you cope? How?

When he's sought treatment and it hasn't made any difference? When it just seems to be getting worse? When your entire life is on hold?

How?

OP posts:
Kallista · 05/03/2011 18:56

Go with him to GP to 1) ask for a psychiatric referral, 2) explore the various anti-d meds (take at least a month to work + have side effects but the right one will pull him back 'from the brink'), and 3) ask for a therapy or counselling referral.
Also look up private clinical psychologists (expensive though).
With your DP write a plan for him of how to get help if he feels suicidal (eg. list of phone numbers like Samaritans).
Have support for yourself (friends etc.).
Both of you have regular healthy meals and snacks, and get fresh air once a day.
Don't expect a lot - if he is badly depressed then even washing is a huge effort.
Don't take his depression personally, just be there for him - he will recover. Best wishes.

EllenNeve · 07/03/2011 20:50

The above is great advice. I think also to look after yourself. You are responsble for your own feeligns so make sure you take the time you need to enjoy life. Maybe you can find things that dp can enjoy too...even simple things like chocolate mouse. What did you guys used to laugh about when you met? I think going to the beach is very healing, just sitting on the beach and trailing your hands through the sand... little things help.

RandyRussian · 07/03/2011 21:04

Chocolate mice always cheer me up. Yum Smile

givemesomespace · 07/03/2011 21:21

Does he do much exercise? From personal experience it's a huge factor in affecting moods. The Mrs gets concerned if I haven't got 2-3 sessions scheduled every week.

Doesn't have to be anything Herculian, just something regular to get the endorphins flowing.

HTH

cestlavielife · 07/03/2011 22:29

read depression fallout
www.depressionfallout.com/ you can buy the book on amazon etc

squeakytoy · 07/03/2011 22:31

It can take a long time, and you have to do your best to be supportive and patient. My husband didnt really start to recover for about a year after his recent breakdown.

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 10/03/2011 17:36

I've tried to encourage him to get more excercise - but he'd rather play computer games for hours. I feel more like the mother of a teenage boy!

The link above looks interesting.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/03/2011 17:49

Exercise is definately a must. Fresh air, daylight, and circulation are a proven factor in helping to relieve depression. You are right, computer games wont help.

Perhaps you can compromise, and agree not to nag him about the computer, if he at least gets out for an hour in the fresh air. Is he working or at home all the time?

I know it seems like you are being his mum, I felt that way, but I didnt see any other way to be honest, I knew he was genuinely depressed (his dad took his own life), and I knew that I had to take control for a while.

Is there a root cause for the depression?

GypsyMoth · 10/03/2011 17:51

i have been there with an ex and the computer has to go!!!

they spend more time late at night on it into early hours so getting up later and later in the day

go back to gp....he needs to take some responsibility for this.

garlicbutter · 10/03/2011 17:52

A quick note about exercise - yes, it helps to alleviate depression but this advice is utterly sickening when you're in the depths and "all your lights have gone off". For the first two years of my depression, my daily exercise consisted of dragging myself 10 yards to the corner of my street - often in my pyjamas - and back. Many times, I had to hang onto fences to make it back home. Well-meaning people kept telling me to go swimming, smarten myself up, have a nice day out, etc Angry But my therapist said I was doing well.

Kallista's post was great :)

OP, please remember your own health is important. Depression can be "catching" and you must prioritise your well-being.

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 11/03/2011 21:12

Garlic, I can relate to that on his behalf. I'm happy when he goes to the shop for a pint of milk.

Though seriously considering removing the fuses from the plugs of all laptops and computers in the house.

If you don't mind me asking, what was it like when (if?) your "lights came back on"?

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 11/03/2011 23:28

God, it was a horrendous effort. Thank you for asking! For YEARS I patiently encouraged myself to find something good (or vaguely pleasing) about life every day; I can't explain what hard work it was! When I got to the corner on my little walk, I had to stand and look at the sky, or a tree, or a bird or something and think about how such things normally give people a bit of pleasure, trying to remember what that feels like. Eventually I did start noticing small things with pleasure, hurrah! The lights started to flicker ... it's a very uneven process, though, with a lot of backsliding. All these years later, I still get days and weeks when it's an effort all over again.

I have a lot of sympathy for your husband, obviously, and am glad he's got such a caring wife :) One vitally important thing, though, is that he has to take responsibility for his condition. Even though he can't see the point (I understand that perfectly), he's got to just accept that his depression will either go into spontaeous remission or he can get advice on helping his own recovery. What he can't do is rely on you to 'get him better'. It doesn't work like that, and is unfair on you. As long as he's adequately fed & watered, leave him to his own devices - and explain this to him.

The internet is a lifeline for those who're too tired, miserable and scared to connect with real people. It's worth recognising that, though, and putting yourself through a few small daily exercises so you don't totally forget the real world. Looking people in the eye is a really important thing - deperession makes you scared to do it, but you can get it back by remembering to practice!

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 20/03/2011 10:05

Congratulations on coming this far Garlic.

It's nice to hear somebody say that I can't make him better, I can't help wondering what I could be doing different. I try all sorts of approaches to get through to him - it's like shouting at the wind.

I woke up crying this morning, no idea why. Wierd.

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