Is this "normal" its really annoying me!

[handsoffmycake]

There is so much back story it would fill a hundred pages so I will keep it short and just ask about this particular thing if I can.

DH seems to feel the need to comment on things I do or say in a questioning/negative manner. He has always done it, been together 8 years. Its just starting to get really annoying.

Here are some examples:

Picking a takeaway to eat and he says "Are you sure you want that" I say "Yes thats why Ive picked it." He then goes on for 5 minutes asking "Are you sure you want that, will you eat more of the other type of takeway" He insists he has no favourite choice so why wont he just accept my choice?

Shopping yesterday and he says "Look underwear on offer there, you said you needed some" I then pick some underwear and he looks frowny and says "So youre not wearing thongs anymore" Evidently not.

Choosing to drink coffee more in the day instead of tea, he says "I think its a sad day when youve decided to be a coffee drinker" He was deadly serious and disapproving.

These sound daft I realise that but when it seems almost everything you do is questioned it gets a bit tiresome. My friend says this is controlling behaviour but I dont know. Any opinions please?

This isnt nice behaviour and you shouldnt have to put up with it . As others say it is controlling behaviour , i would do the following.

Explain calmly that you do not like having your choices and decisions questioned . Insists he stops.

Next time he does it , simply say " what?" Say this 2 or 3 times . Do not justify yourself to him or explain , state simply that hes questioning you again and your not engaging. You might find he,ll get cross.

Sometimes people can get into a habit of doing this without realising , but once you tell them how its making you feel they should apologise and stop. If he continues , or worse , swaps it for another behaviour , you might have to rethink things.

Verbal strategies: and non-verbal responses.
Also, what SGoldBrass and LittleMiss said.

There is a slight chance that he may respond favorably if you call him out on it. I say that because my dh occasionally treats me this way and will stop and appologize especially when I point it out in front of the teenagers. "Are you second guessing me?!" I'll never forget the look of shock on his face and he backed right down. Filtering through my own baggage took awhile for me to get to the point of responding in the moment-different ball of wax there.

But, Handsoffmycake, it sounds like you are more on the ball. You just need some vocabulary to help clarify and validate your annoying, niggling, something isn't quite right feelings. Just remember that because you don't have a word for it doesn't mean the feeling isn't valid, very valid.

Aaarrgggh, my dh often does this sort of thing. He always has to comment if I do something a bit "different" from usual. For example, I rarely drink tea late in the evening. One evening I really fancied a cup of tea, so made one for myself. Dh came into the kitchen.

Dh - "What are you doing?"
Me - "Making a cup of tea."
Dh - "Why?"
Me - "Um, because I feel like drinking one."
Dh - "But why, you don't normally have one at this time of night?"
Me - "Well, I just felt like one this evening."
Dh - "Are you sure you want one, you don't usually."

And another time when I was short of time, dh was going to take ds to cubs, and I asked himif he could buy a pizza for us at the supermarket next door to the scout hall.

Dh - "Yes that's fine, but are you sure you want pizza? Wouldn't you prefer pasta instead?"
Me - "I'm sure thanks, pizza will be fine."
Dh - "Oh, I thought you might like pasta for a change, are you sure?"
Me - "yes, thanks we're having pasta with a sauce tomorrow night."
Dh - "Well, if you're sure, but I could get pasta instead if you like."

Aaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!!

If I ever ask him why he questions stuff so much he just says he's concerned about me and trying to be helpful. He just doesn't seem to see that it's not helpful, it's annoying!

"Are you sure you want to do X?"

"Yes."

"But you dn't normally want to do X, are you really sure?"

"I've already answered that question, why are you asking me again?"

I know, it's like the Spanish Inquisition sometimes. The strange thing is, he didn't actually mind that I was having a cup of tea, he just had to question me to death first!

Same here. Drives me bonkers.
Completely bonkers.
And the bloody parenting, in a caring way.

Handsoffmycake I can see why lots of us are saying that it's controlling behaviour. I think only you can decide whether that control is malicious or habit. My mum (for example) does it with everyone and stops as soon as she realises.

I must do it a bit too as my son questions me from time to time and he hasn't developed this habit all by himself I'm sure!

In your position I'd say ONCE that you don't feel you should have to explain or justify your every decision. And thereafter blank it. Good luck !

DP does this as well, in fact he done it at teatime about where I put the veg on ds's plate.
I either ignore, am very cheeky or do it back to him, that usually stops him for a week or so.

With regards to making a cup of tea late at night, a normal response from me to that would be 'why do YOU think im making a cup of tea'.
I'd get told not to be so cheeky, I'd tell him to stop asking stupid questions, then he'd go in a huff, simple!

Here's an easy test as to whether it's an irritating habit or abusive behaviour: does he do it to other people?

If he does, then it's an annoying habit probably picked up from a parent who can't stop wittering at people either.
If you are the only person he treats like this then it shows that he sees you as someone he's entitled to control and extract obedience from.

Good point, SGB. I'll remember that one :)

I put up with shit behaviour like that in your OP for years. I wish I'd left when he started doing that; it certainly never got better, only worse.
Run like the wind. And yes it is controlling, your friend is right.

My best mates fiance is like this. never a nice thing to say and always questioned her decisions.

If I was with him I'd have wrapped a baseball bat round his head before now. God knows why she's marrying him. I think he's a grade A knobhead and have told her. He used to be like it with me until I told him my decisions are my decisions - if I wanted a controlling bloke I would find one TYVM.

TeachMySelfBalance very helpful thanks!

I do not think he does these things to be conciously controlling. I think a lot of it with him is learnt behaviour maybe from parents and also he is a difficult person in his thought patterns.

When I first got with him it was much worse and I was so confused about what was happening. As I have got older he has changed a lot because I have not allowed much of the behaviour that was upsetting.

He isnt a bad man but he is hard work sometimes.

If it was to get to a point where it was harmful to me or my DC (rather than just annoying generally) then I would rethink the relationship for sure.

My H did this, along with other not nice behaviours.
Of course he learnt how to behave like this from his parents. It dosen't make the behaviour less unpleasant to live with, knowing where it originated from.
A year and a half of therapy (and counting) for him has helped enormously.

doesn't

My DH can be a bit negative sometimes, and it really annoys me. I've told him this and he's trying to engage his brain before speaking :o it's not his fault really, he's been very ill and stressed.

The key thing is though, he'd never use these comments to try to control me - that is unacceptable IMO. He's also a lot older than me and if he ever tried to parent me my god he'd be on the business end of a hissy fit!

Sounds like he treats you like a child.

If the question shouldn´t have been asked then it doesn´t deserve an answer imo.

And he used to be worse!

Bloody hell!