is it me or is it them?

[feedme]

I'm coming on for a sanity check...
I find it difficult to get on with my mum, but I'm trying hard to make things better. Anyway, I went over to lunch at my mum and dad's recently and was actually quite pleased with how it went. My dad mentioned that my (younger) brother was named as executor of their will, but they felt it was best as he lives nearer to them. I can't honestly see what difference that makes (we're only an hour's drive away) but am really not bothered.
Anyway, came home, really happy with how it had gone, and a day or so later get a call from my dad to let me know that my (younger) sister had been made trustee of the trust funds that they've set up because 'well, you know (pause) [my sister gets on better with my mum] we see more of them'. Again, part of me feels 'yes, it's totally up to them etc etc' but I do feel hurt as I do feel that, as the eldest, it's a bit of a slap in the face, and also, after having what I thought was a very nice afternoon, I've been rejected.
I know this is really minor compared to other people's problems, and haven't even discussed this with my partner in RL, but am I over reacting? I just would like to know what other people think

no, I can understand how you feel. I think wills are the biggest cause of family upset.
I would mention it to your DH, he knows your family better than us (!) and can guage how sensitive you then are being.

Then I would have a frank and calm conversation with your parents about how this has made you feel. it sounds to me like all you really need is an aknowledgment of love from them.

Reading between the lines here, there's a lot more going on than wills and trustees, isn't there? Most people don't have to analyse their visits to their parents or mark themselves up or down with how contacts with family go. They just, you know, visit and chat and stuff. Sounds like you're almost on probation with them. And somehow I doubt it's your fault.

Think about how you'd behave with a child of yours. Suppose she had proved herself untrustworthy with money somehow, eg got into a lot of debt, former substance abuse, married someone you don't trust or is just the ditzy type! You might well, in those circumstances, appoint someone else in the family to do the important financial duties. But would you go out of your way to tell her you had done so? I suppose if the subject came up (though how often does the subject of wills come up in everyday conversation?) you might feel you needed to tell her who the executor was, just so she knew what to expect and what she didn't have to worry about. You would of course not put it to her that you didn't trust her, you'd say it was for some other practical (and at least partly true) reason which you'd try to make convincing so as not to hurt her.

However, having performed this duty which we can make theoretical excuses for, your parents then rang you up a few days later to tell you about something else financial you had been excluded from. And I can't help wondering why they thought you needed to know. Could it possibly have been because you didn't look upset enough the first time?

Have you had a look over at the Stately Homes thread? It may not apply to you at all, of course, but then again, it might.

Does it actually matter? Unless they are trying to write you out what difference will it make?

Thank-you all for your replies. It helps to get feedback on this. On one level I can think 'well, yes, that's OK, it's good that they let me know' but it was just having them so close together that, inside, I found hurtful, though I did the usual 'yes, that's OK, I quite understand' stuff. Anyway, IS it relevent that my brother lives nearer than me?
I lurk on the stately homes thread, but have never posted as my problems are so small compared to other's. What I find odd is that my brother also thinks that my parents are odd and my sister thinks everything is OK and I'm overreacting (I get on very well with both my brother and sister). Does anyone else find that siblings have different perspectives on things?

Hi Feedme,

Re your comment:-
"I lurk on the stately homes thread, but have never posted as my problems are so small compared to other's. What I find odd is that my brother also thinks that my parents are odd and my sister thinks everything is OK and I'm overreacting (I get on very well with both my brother and sister). Does anyone else find that siblings have different perspectives on things?"

Actually a lot of people before you have thought that but it really is not the case at all. No problem re parents there is too small. I would certainly post there in your particular circumstances; the fact that you feel your problems with your parents is so small compared to others (you are wrong by the way to think that) would indicate to me that you certainly do need to post on that particular thread.

Siblings certainly have a different perspective on things; interesting to see that your brother regards them as odd whilst your sister (their favoured golden child) thinks unsurprisingly that they are okay. I am wondering whether your parents did the usual "divide and conquer" strategy on you all with your mother being the driving force behind that tactic.

FWIW I think your parents have and continue to treat you appallingly and rub your face in it as well. You seem to me to be their scapegoat for all their inherent ills (it is NOT your fault they are like this, likely their own parents made them this way) and this incident is just the latest in a long line of rejection that you have seen since childhood days.

This sentence of yours is also telling:-
"I find it difficult to get on with my mum, but I'm trying hard to make things better"

I do not think you will succeed if she is inherently a difficult and or a toxic parent.
What is she doing exactly to mend fences, infact what is your father doing as well?. My guess re that is nothing because they at heart think they have done nothing wrong. Also such inherently damaged people take no responsibility for their actions, let alone apologise. You have received no apology from either of them. Is your dad doing what some men usually do in such circumstances, i.e act as bystander out of self preservation and want of a quiet life?. I would not let him off the hook either in that case. People from dysfunctional family units end up playing roles.

Do write on the Stately Homes thread asap and read the book "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Thank-you so much Attila, that means a lot to me

In my experince a toxic parent with anything to leave and more than one child, plays the "will game".....
It's another way to divide and conquer and retain their power over you, (even after death) should you choose to play. Obviously, refusing to play can result in being disinherited .
Have they used money to control you previously?

As the eldest you get to do the elugy, you could say all sorts :o Maybe that thought will make up a bit for their shorcomings.

Now that's a thought!

They haven't got lots of money, and my dad is usually very fair-minded, that's why I can't understand what this is all about