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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help-Baby 1 week old and feel marriage is in trouble

24 replies

LizzieBusy · 04/03/2011 21:39

Im a regular poster but not on this forum but have namechanged here.

I have a 3 year old and 1 week old DD. To say my DH copes badly with the new baby stage is an understatement and I am beginning to question whether or not he actually loves me at all. I wont go into all the details but after 3 days at home, he is already 'sick of your hormones' and has 'had enough of you ordering me around'.

4 days after DD 1 was born, he called me a bitch because I got annoyed at him not being able to work the buggy (his only job!!)

This time he has moaned and whined about setting a moustrap - apparently I should have helped him as he might have 'hurt my finger'. This is 5 days after I gave birth with no pain relief.

He clearly resents me asking him to do things, takes it as nagging and really seems to strongly dislike me at the moment.
I have been hormonal and snappy but its 1 week after the delivery. I also havent had as much as a card from him to acknowledge the baby.

My DH is quick to temper (not violent or apart from once or twice, verbally abusive) and difficult to bring anything up with so my question is how do I approach this?
Ultimately I just want him to show me some kindness??
Am weeping even typing this, it just seems so sad and pathetic

OP posts:

ongakgak · 04/03/2011 21:44

Oh god, I really feel you for, and it sounds like he is giving a really rough time.

Can you sit down with him and without tell him all this calmly and without tears when your 3 year old is not around? Maybe get in a take away and make an evening of it. I would make a list with examples of what he is doing and how it makes you feel. Be really clear and about it. would he respond to that?

Your hormones are all over the shop and he should be supporting you through this emotional time.

How was he after your first pregnancy?

Original poster

LizzieBusy · 04/03/2011 21:49

Pretty poor. It was quite similar really. He seems to find my constant asking for things really annoying so after a couple of days I find myself doing ironing, washing etc because its excrutiating to ask him as he clearly just hates me right now.

Maybe thats his gameplan but to be honest it seems quite sinister and just so cold. Cold is really the best word to describe his demeanour right now.
Its just so bloody sad and I never thought that this would be my life.

However on the bright side I have 2 beautiful DD's who he does love, even if I am merely an annoyance

OP posts:

ongakgak · 04/03/2011 21:51

Maybe you should talk to him about it, and be like- look I can't keep house and be a new mum too, somethings got to give. So you pitch in without being asked or we get someone in a couple of hours a week, what do you think?

It is shit though, he should be nurturing all of you. Does he do nappy changes etc?

Magicjamas · 04/03/2011 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

LizzieBusy · 04/03/2011 21:57

Yes he's good with the children, its just me he seems to resent supporting. Part of me feels that its a case of put up or shut up. He's not changing, and I simply cannot get through to him. Counselling seems so drastic but part of me thinks its that or separation, I just cant put up with the coldness any longer. I just wish he was warmer. Thanks for the advise.

OP posts:

Magicjamas · 04/03/2011 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

LizzieBusy · 04/03/2011 22:06

He's not great all the time but i suppose looking at it from a distance you could say that he is somewhat supportive but not romantic. Hes' a good Dad though.
The baby stage is definitely worse, maybe because I need him to be full of love of affection and he doesnt deliver

OP posts:

baabaapinksheep · 04/03/2011 22:13

I know how you feel, my exp left me 1 week after DD2 was born, and for similar things your DP is complaining of. He said he was doing too much for me, when I couldn't even walk to the loo withought getting out of breath as I lost so much blood during labour.

You need to sit down and have a chat with him, exolain how you are feeling, both emotionally and physically. You are at your most vulnerable now, and he needs to be supportive and help you as much as you need.

BertieBotts · 04/03/2011 22:17

"Not violent apart from once or twice"?

I don't want to scare you, or rush in, but this is serious. Just to give you a measure of this, you say counselling seems drastic, but Relate won't see any couples where there is violence or any kind of abuse (including verbal abuse). Counselling does not help in these situations, in fact it usually makes things worse.

Seriously? I'd be considering the separation option. Now if you have someone to stay with - wait until your baby is a bit older if not. This does not have to be your life.

textualhealing · 04/03/2011 23:57

bertiebotts i read OP's post differently, "not violent, or verbally abusive, except once or twice."

OP is in a fragile state so soon after giving birth and I don't think it is helpful to wheel out the "you should leave" line. This is all assuming that my reading of the post is correct. If not, I would also be advising her to consider her options.

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 00:09

Bertie, I agree with Text, she meant he had been verbally abusive once or twice, rather than physically. Even so, its not good, and the Op shouldnt have to be treated like this when she has just had a baby.

Does he have mates with children? or does he think all mothers are superwoman and are back on their feet a day after giving birth? He does sound immature and selfish.

Do you have a sister, mum or MIL, who can come round and help out, and show him up by doing so, as well as being a help to you?

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 00:14

Oh okay, in that case I read it wrong and I apologise. I assumed from the placement of the comma that she meant he had been physically violent.

Of course I'm not saying she should make any snap decisions, but she did mention separation in her post and I just wanted to say that it is a viable option if she wanted to go down that path now or in the future. I honestly wouldn't have mentioned it if she hadn't. IME people don't make these decisions lightly on the say so of a stranger on the internet. The OP will find support on mumsnet whichever way she chooses to take this though.

dignified · 05/03/2011 08:46

This is meant to be a loveley time for you , and hes spoiling it by behaving like a twat . Does he assume the apropriate role when visiters , the midwife comes ?

moocowme · 05/03/2011 10:38

another self centred twat. so he assumed that he would not have to do more after you gave birth? that you would take up the slack?

ledkr · 05/03/2011 11:13

Absolutely moo how fucking dare he?What is wrong with some blokes?
My dh is still helping me out and my dd is 5 wks old,i had a section and am also getting up at night etc so he can see i am a bit tired and so when he is home he helps.This is normal i think as he cares about me and is presumably gratefull for what ive put my body thru to have our baby. Is it just me?

mamas12 · 05/03/2011 12:08

You poor thing this is not normal he sounds like a self absorbed all about me poor little spoilt twunt tbh.
Can you get your mum or someone to come and stay and just show him how to behave. You need looking after stop 'coping' and let someone look after you YOU HAVE JUST HAD A BABY!

Sorry but you have a crap husband and he is NOT a good father if he treatment the mother of his children with such cold contempt.

lubeybooby · 05/03/2011 12:13

How dare he, this is really pretty awful lizziebusy. I feel terrible for you.

I would go absolutely ballistic if treated like this, but I appreciate that may not be the wisest thing to do as it seems he has been abusive in the past (and this is emotional abuse now)

I don't know what to suggest but I will say it shouldn't be like this and you do have options. You don't have to put up with it.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 05/03/2011 12:17

He called you a bitch

Have you any family or friends who could come and help for a few days because frankly I would be booting him out the fucking door.
How dare he treat you with such utter disrespect when you are so vulnerable!

KaraStarbuckThrace · 05/03/2011 12:24

He called you a bitch

ScarlettWalking · 05/03/2011 12:52

What a fucking dick.

You said he was violent a few times? Can you clarify?

I would be telling him to sling his hook

MigratingCoconuts · 05/03/2011 19:56

can you go and stay with your parents at all for an extended visit? I'm not talking separation here...just a short visit for a few weeks whilst you get new baby into a routine?

Sounds like you could do with some proper family help.

Original poster

LizzieBusy · 06/03/2011 20:49

Hi Sorry for the delay and thanks for all the replies. Its hard to get a minute with a toddler and newborn!!!

He has been verbally abusive on a few occassions, in the heat of an argument, but never violent.

He has improved slightly over the last few days (hoovered, washed floors etc today) but to be honest, I now realise that for him its just all about him.

My Mum has been over and really helpful and I would be lost without her. I have thought about how great it would be to move in with her for a while but she lives close by so I have some support.

Tomorrow my husband goes back to work (thank god) and my toddler will go up to my mothers to spend the day. This will give me the breathing space and time I need.

I think for the moment I should sit tight, build myself up physically and emotionally and then think about our relationship.

I am also at the bitch comment, he was actually like a tantruming toddler when he did this. I actually lost a lot of respect for him then!

OP posts:

baabaapinksheep · 07/03/2011 19:05

Good that your mum is helping out, and giving you a break by having your toddler for the day.

I agree you should stay put until you feel stronger, a week after you give birth is not the time to leav your partner. BUT you need to have a good think about what you want, and should probably talk to your partner about it as well. Does he not understand that you need as much help as possible at the moment? Now that he's back at work will he expect you to do everything around the house?

Hope it works out for you.

ScarlettWalking · 07/03/2011 20:57

Good luck darling x

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